March 1st 2009
My barren soul longs for affection, as if there is a void within me that only love and tenderness can fill. It's a constant ache that I can't seem to shake off, and sometimes it feels like it's consuming me from the inside out. I yearn for the warmth of a loving embrace, the soft touch of a hand on my skin, and the comfort of knowing that I am cherished and valued by someone. I crave the intimacy that comes with being close to another person, and the feeling of being truly seen and understood. It's a desire that I can't ignore, and I know that until I find the affection that I so desperately need, this ache will continue to linger within me.
It's been a while since I've hanged out with Jessica. I miss her silky long hair, her slanted eyes. I think I might have a crush on her. But I don't think I'm mentally stable enough for a relationship right now. Even if we ended up dating, which I highly doubt, I might jeopardize her life with my addictions and mental illnesses. I need to overcome my addictions and seek therapy if I wanna be with her. Nah, I don't think I have the motivation or discipline to overcome my addictions and therapy is mad expensive. But I wanna be with her so fucking bad. Maybe I'm mistaking platonic affection for romantical love but I think she likes me. Afterall why would anyone approach a neet addict loser and on a dark and snowy night in a park with no one nearby. shit. I'm totally in love.
Fuck. I wanna be with her so fucking bad. Ever since I met her, I can't stop thinking about her. Jessica is the most amazing person I have ever met, and I want to be with her more than anything in the world. She's smart, kind, and beautiful, and every time I'm around her, my heart skips a beat. I find myself daydreaming about holding her hand, kissing her softly, and just being with her. I know that I don't want to spend another day without her by my side. Being with Jessica would be a dream come true, and I can't wait for the day when I can tell her how I feel and hopefully make her mine.
Fuck it. I'm gonna become clean for her. But it's gonna be tough. It's not just a matter of willpower or determination, but a complex web of physical, emotional, and psychological factors that keep me trapped in this cycle. Even when I try to quit, the withdrawal symptoms are overwhelming, and the cravings never seem to go away. It's hard to resist the urge to give in and numb the pain with my drug of choice. It's like there's a voice in my head that keeps telling me to keep going back, even when I know it's not good for me. The guilt and shame of my addiction also weigh heavily on me, making it hard to see a way out. I know that recovery is possible, but it's going to be a long and difficult journey. I just hope that I can find the strength and support I need to overcome this addiction and live a life that's free from its hold.
