Chapter 14

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I had to do it, didn’t I? I needed the money. There was no other way. Right? My mouse hovered over the send button. The files were attached, and all I needed to do was click my mouse once and I would have a huge amount of money in my bank account. And yet I hesitated. Why? This was the answer of my problems. I could help support my family and even have some money to set aside for myself. Still, I couldn’t click the button. It felt like I was trespassing on Niall. I didn’t have his permission to take those pictures. Maybe he didn’t want our relationship in public yet, maybe he just wasn’t ready, and I was going to force him to be ready. I had done this a million times and never felt remotely sorry, but now with Niall I couldn’t click the send button. Yes I did like him a lot, probably more than I should, but how did that make him different? Maybe because this time it was encroaching on my privacy? 

I shook my head and clicked the send button once, shutting the lid to my laptop. Leaning back, I listened for the other lads. Zayn and Harry had gone out earlier as a sort of celebratory “We got Nialler and Emily together!” which isn’t true. We got ourselves together thank you very much. Last night had been amazing. After the massive secret session we had gone out for an ice cream, which turned into us splitting a massive banana split and trying not to get sick. We laughed, shared more secrets and tried to ignore the monstrous elephant in the room.

After our dinnerish desert we managed to roll back to the tour bus where Zayn and Harry snatched Niall up to go “celebrate”. Those boys.

Liam was somewhere in the bus, probably doing a twitcam as the last I heard of him was, and I quote, “No! I am not going to sing Taylor Swift for you!” Louis was talking to Eleanor, who I had yet to meet. She seemed very nice from the one sided conversations I had heard from Louis’s side. It was often a lot of laughing, joking, and ‘I love you’ s. What Louis and Eleanor had I have always wanted but never thought I would get since I was diagnosed three months ago, especially with my type.

You see, I have Renal Sarcoma. It is one of the rarest forms of kidney cancer, accounting for less than five percent of the known cases. The only way to get it out is a surgical procedure removing one kidney and the part of where the kidney is attached to the bladder. But sadly, the operation costs a lot of money, more than I can afford. No one knew, especially my family. I couldn’t stand if they knew and wouldn’t take my money so that I could afford the operation. It would cause so much more stress for me and them. Really only my doctor, Dr. Scotts knew. She had agreed to keep my problem a secret for my family and put my name in for loans towards the surgery. About a month ago she had called me in and told my I only had about one year and one month to live with the cancer growth. I remember the day exactly.

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The table was cold underneath me, the crinkled feel of the plastic under my bare legs. She had told me not to worry, Dr. Scotts, but how could I not? The rest of my life rested on this point. It was mostly quiet in the room, except for the occasional groan from the heater. I don’t know how long I waited for Doctor Scotts, but it just seemed to drag by. This was the moment where I would figure out how long I was going to live. It could be days, weeks, months, years, or maybe there was even a mistake. I could be completely disease free, and that would be amazing. I wouldn’t have to worry about my family, or putting money aside for a surgery, or chemotherapy, or for when I’m gone. When I’m gone. That’s a strange feeling. I could not be on this earth anymore. I could not go to the coffee shop on monday mornings and get my chai tea, I could not pop in on Marie and Dad every once and a while, I could not call Sam and check up on his schooling. I couldn’t do that it I wasn’t there. That would just disappear. I would just fade, like smoke in the wind. I would be unpermanent and like snow, only there for a bit and then just melt away. 

The door creaked open and Doctor Scotts walked in. Her face was glum and her normally sparkling amber eyes were darker and dull. She cleared her throat, “Emily, I’m sorry love, but you have Renal Sarcoma cancer,” she managed to stutter out. My body froze up. I was in shock, I knew it. There was a chance always that chance that there was a mistake, but not with this test. This test was for sure. There was no possible way that this test could be mistaken. 

My mouth opened and closed again, “How much time? How much time do I have?” I stuttered  out. 

She looked down at the clip board almost as if to assure herself she was correct, “You have about a year and a month. I’m so sorry,” she said, her eyes watering up a bit. I sat on the table, frozen. There was nothing I could do, “Ok. One year, ok. I’ve got one year,” I looked at Doctor Scotts, “Thank you, Doctor Scotts, thank you so much for everything,” I said, standing up and preparing to leave. 

“Wait, that’s it? You are just going to accept it? What about a plan for treatment?” she asked, stopping me. 

“I don’t have enough money,” I shrugged.

“You don’t even know how much it is!”

“It’s too much. I can guarantee I can’t afford it,” 

She looked at me with so much sympathy, knowing my family problem, “I will put you in for a loan alright?” She handed me a brochure and showed me out of the office, pulling me in for a hug. “Email me regularly and keep up a conversation. If you need to talk to me about anything just ring me up, alright? This can be hard to deal with alone,” I nodded and left the building, accepting my new life. 

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I never thought I would get the chance to have what Louis and Eleanor have, but not was my time. Now I could finally have the chance to fall in love and be THAT happy couple. The happy couple that walks down the street holding hands, the happy couple that watches movies together in the back row of the theater, the happy couple that know each other so well they can order for each other. Maybe I could finally have that. Maybe for once, I could be... in love? 

I pondered my thoughts until the door to the tour bus slammed closed and more voices filled the once quiet air. I stayed still in the bunk, closing my eyes and starting to drift of into the land of dreams. 

Footsteps stopped beside me, “Aye, Emily, you awake love?” I didn’t fully recognize what to say as Niall spoke beside me. 

There was another voice, this time higher in pitch and more feminine. Zayn’s voice this time, “Sorry love, I think you will have to meet her another time. She’s been coming down with something,” The high muffled voice spoke again and footsteps faded as a door shut again. 

Moist lips touched my cheek, “Night love, see you in the morning,” Niall said, his voice fading a little, footsteps coming back in my direction. A warm body slipped in next to mine and arms wrapped around my frame. Something wet hit the top of my head, and was quickly wiped away. “I’m so sorry Emily, I wish you didn’t have to deal with this,” 

In response I just snuggled into Niall’s chest, listening to the steady tattoo of his heart.

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Thanks for reading :)

xx

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