Deep End

Part 4

Felix rolled over and groaned. His normally low voice sounding raspy and even deeper than usual, as he tried to wake his sleep-clouded mind. He sat up and rubbed his face while blinking rapidly to clear his bleary vision. From the kitchen he could hear some clattering and clinking. Binnie was probably making breakfast.

Felix recalled the dinner that Binnie made the night before, and felt shame at how unappreciative he was. Today would be different though, he'd go out there and eat an actual meal. More than a bite or two, even though he never seemed to feel hungry lately. Then he'd insist on cleaning up afterwards. And he'd talk to Bin too, a real conversation. It wasn't fair to ignore his flatmate like he had been. Bin put so much effort into being a sensitive and thoughtful friend to Felix, while he was just self-centred and inconsiderate.

After cleaning himself up in the bathroom, Felix wandered out to the kitchen and smiled at Binnie.

'Want some help?'

Changbin started to turn at the sound of Felix's velvety morning tones. He had such a beautiful low voice, but his morning voice typically had Changbin feeling weak at the knees. As he looked towards Lix, he froze. Lix was smiling at him. Lix was actually smiling!

Hope soared within Changbin. It had been weeks since he'd seen a smile cross Lixie's face, and it was as ethereal as he remembered. There was just something precious about a smiling Felix, a warmth that started in his eyes and spilled out to his cheeks and then filled the entire room. Changbin could swear that one of Lixie's smiles could heat an entire building in the middle of an arctic winter. Changbin felt a bubble of happiness rise in his soul and a matching smile graced his cheeks.

'Nope, have a seat, I'm all done,' Changbin replied.

He served some toast on to a plate for Felix and pointed out the bacon and eggs, telling him to help himself, while he grabbed some toast and fruit for his own plate. They sat for a few minutes idly chatting about nothing, but it had Changbin giddy with joy. Felix was eating, and talking, and smiling. This was almost the Lixie of six months back.

'Lix, the guys are coming round today and we're going to go out and chill. Why don't you come with us? Would be good to hang out with you again. Interested?'

Felix stopped chewing on his toast and considered. He should catch up with everyone. He hadn't really hung out with his friends since before he met Chan. He frowned internally and realised he'd been a really poor friend. Chan had had a way of filling his days and nights, leaving little space for anything but him. All while making Felix feel that he wasn't quite giving enough of himself to Chan. He never quite realised that that's what had happened, until now. Felix felt guilty for being so obsessed with Chan, from almost the start. He was intrigued with him when they first met. Chan was certainly a gorgeous man, with a physique that had him near drooling, and Felix had definitely felt an instant attraction. But was it love at first sight? Or was it maybe that first night that triggered his feelings. Chan was his first love, but was it actually love he had felt? It was... wasn't it?

'Lix?'

Felix looked up and apologised for spacing out. 'What are you planning on doing?'

'We thought we'd head to the beach for the morning, then when it starts getting hot, we thought a mov...'

Changbin trailed off as he realised Lixie's whole mood had turned and he now looked like he was about to cry again.

'Sorry, did I say something wrong?'

Changbin rushed to Felix's side and hugged him. The hug broke down Felix's slight walls and tears came tumbling down.

'I-I saw him, Bin, I saw Chan at the b-beach yesterday. He was there with... with another guy. They were kissing. M-my Chan was kissing someone else. Why couldn't he at least tell me that he no longer loved me? Why would he just stop talking to me? W-why Bin, why?'

Felix fell apart in Changbin's arms, while Changbin rubbed circles on his back and crooned a soft 'I know Lix, it'll be ok, you'll be ok'. Over and over until Felix started to calm down and his crying started to settle a bit.

'I'll call the guys and stay here with you. We can watch a movie or something and chill out together.'

Felix took a few deep breaths and said 'No Bin, I can't ask you to do that. You deserve to have fun with the guys. I'll just hang here, I-I don't think I could handle the beach right now. Besides, I'm making good progress with that new song I was telling you about. I'll just work on that more today.'

Changbin threw a dubious look in Felix's direction but the blonde insisted.

'I'll clean up the breakfast things and you go have fun. I'll be fine, don't worry. Really.'

Changbin was about to comment that he'd rather stay with Felix, but then they heard the raucous laughter of Jisung and Hyunjin outside their front door. Changbin was torn. He'd promised his friends a fun day, but he didn't want to leave Felix alone after hearing that he'd actually seen Chan with another guy. No wonder Felix didn't eat more than a couple of bites of dinner last night. 'Seriously Chan, fuck you,' he thought to himself.

'Go Binnie, I'll be fine. Really.'

Changbin sighed. 'Promise Lix?'

Holding out his little finger, Felix smiled and said 'Pinky promise'. This brought a modicum of peace to Changbin's mind. This was the old Lix coming back. He smiled at his friend, happy to see small glimpses of the sunshine boy he loved.

'Go have fun, I'll see you tonight'. Felix handed him the beach bag by the door and shooed him away, then went to the table and started gathering the breakfast dishes to wash.

As he tidied the kitchen, he started humming the tune of the song he was writing. He was quite satisfied with how he'd started it. As he hummed he had a thought for the next verse.

'The way you used to touch my soul
Was always so sweet and lovely
No matter how far apart we were
You'd always pick up the phone'