Deep End

Part 9

Cleaning up after their breakfast, the two boys separated to different parts of the flat. Changbin went to his studio, to continue to work on Hyunjin's song and Felix was determined to rearrange his room to avoid that persistent ray of sunlight.

Sitting on his bed, Felix considered his bedroom. His mum was into Feng Shui, and though he wasn't, he knew a bit from what she had told him. Deciding to give it a go, he moved his bed to the other side of the room. This gave his bed, what his mum always told him was, the command position. Truthfully, all Felix cared about right now was being able to sleep without the sun waking him up at an ungodly hour of the morning. Moving his keyboard and desk to the empty spots, he grinned. 'That should do it.' he thought. Mind you, there was absolutely no way he'd tell his mum about this. She'd never let him live it down. Though possibly, she might also tell him to move his bed back again, so he'd be forced to wake up earlier more often. She wasn't a big fan of his sleeping habits as a teenager.

Looking over to his desk and the PC he'd built himself, Felix idly considered playing an online game. Considering the time of day he knew his usual partner, Innie, would be in classes, so he dismissed that thought. A guilty expression crossed his face at the thought of his friend. He'd neglected that friendship badly. He and Innie were a team online and Felix hadn't played in what felt like months. He hoped Innie would forgive him for abandoning him like that. Casting his thoughts back over the past few months, recalling that Chan had a way of filling his days from start to finish, leaving no time for any other friends.

'Chan...' the blonde mused.

In his new song, Felix had a couple of sections saying:

'If I gave you one last chance, can we go back again?'

But would he? Would he give him another chance? Would he go back? Felix wasn't quite so sure now. The longing for Chan was still there, that was undeniable, but he was starting to feel other emotions edging into his brain. Anger, definitely. How could Chan have treated him so callously? Ghosting him and then carelessly showing off a new boyfriend, so close to where Felix lived. Did he do that on purpose?

Guilt was definitely pushing higher in his mind too. Felix had let Chan take over his whole life for a time, and he had neglected his friendships completely. He'd barely seen any of his friends while with Chan, let alone actually spending any real time with them. Binnie was so good to him, but he'd almost completely dropped the friendship. Sure, his relationship with Chan fully distracted him from his feelings for Binnie, however Felix had come to realise, over the past few days, that they hadn't disappeared. At all. Felix was conflicted.

'Not like it's going to happen anyway,' he snorted to himself.

Sitting at his keyboard, he ran through his song a few times. Trying out a few variations on the song - playing a bit more upbeat (that was a no), trying a slightly jazzier version (also a no) and realised he liked it best as it was.

Throwing himself on his bed, slightly bored, he hoped Binnie might be finished soon, so he could play it for him.

'I'm so bored! Maybe I should see if I can get a job at that new cafe down the road,' he thought. Felix then realised just how bored he was, if he was considering another cafe job. He hated working those jobs, even though he was actually good at them. Apparently he was a great barista, while hating the taste of coffee. He had the perfect bubbly personality too that the owners liked - he was often told his smile was like a burst of sunshine in the customers' days.

Opening Instagram, Felix started scrolling down to see what was happening in his friends' lives. Hitting like on Innie's latest OOTD and then seeing just how many likes he had was startling. When had his follower count reached those levels? Scrolling further, he saw a picture of Jisung's hand entwined with another. His jaw dropped - Jisung was in a relationship?? With who? Flicking to the next picture, he saw Jisung kissing Minho's cheek, with Minho smiling bashfully but widely. 'FINALLY!' he exclaimed, but then guilt edged its way in further. Why hadn't he known this? Why had he let himself get so removed from his friends?

Dropping his phone at his side he stared at the ceiling. He really had to do better. Maybe he could suggest they all go to the arcade. That was always fun and no one (that he knew of) had beaten Minho on the dance game yet. It was time to try again!

Felix's phone pinged with a new notification. He lifted the phone and his breath hitched when he saw who was messaging him.

Felix jumped up staring at his phone, whispering a hoarse 'No'

'No... no no no no, NO...'

A horrified look crossed his face. His hands shaking, he threw his phone on the bed and crumpled to the floor. Tears flooded his eyes and spilled over onto his cheeks. Clutching his knees to his body, the boy rocked back and forth, the pain at the unexpected message blooming in his chest.

'Why? Why now Chan? Why?' he keened, over and over. Felix threw his head back, letting the tears flow freely.

Taking a shuddering breath, he felt a jagged flash of pain rip through him. Felix realised he'd been unconsciously punching his leg and had accidentally punched his healing cut. The pain dragged him out of the torment that the message had triggered.

Suddenly still, Felix glanced at his dresser, where the box of blades was hidden. His internal monologue relentlessly demanding he use them. His skin itching and burning, with the only release being having his flesh sliced open. Tears escaped his reddened eyes again. He laughed hollowly, thinking that his usual one cut wouldn't be nearly enough to hide this pain.

Felix dropped his forehead onto his palms, squeezing his skull to try to quell the voice in his head. Not only did this not work, but his gaze fell to his wrists. A numbness fell over him as the tears stopped. Inspecting his wrists carefully, he considered his veins. He made his decision.

Almost robotically, he stood and retrieved the box from his dresser. He grabbed the USB with his song and sat it on his keyboard, ripped a page from his notebook and wrote a single word - 'Sorry', then folded it in half and wrote Changbin's name on the top.

A blank look on his face, Felix went to the bathroom and started filling the tub. Once it was half way full, he then returned to his room to grab the box.