Deep End

Part 7

Felix sat on the side of the bathtub, staring deeply at the blade in his hands. Flashes of reflected light hitting his eyes as he moved it left and right. He turned it over a few times, then lightly ran a fingertip over the blade, barely touching the sharp edge.

He didn't want to do this, it was wrong, he'd promised Binnie months ago, that he wouldn't do this anymore. He'd stopped for so long, the previous scars had faded to several white lines on his thigh. He'd been doing so well at resisting the urges. He didn't want to do this. He really didn't want to do this...

But he had to, the compulsion was so so strong. The voice inside was screaming at him to do it. He knew it would stop the pain he was feeling inside. Even if only for a short time. He wanted to stop the pain, he needed to stop it. The pain was staggering and he just needed it to go away, even for a moment. Just a moment would be enough, he was sure.

For the last two weeks, Felix had forced himself to eat, to talk to Binnie, to smile, to be cheerful. Binnie deserved it, he deserved a happy friend in Felix. Bin was a good and pure soul and Felix only wanted the best for him. But it was ridiculously hard to fake it and when he was back in his room, alone, the tears would roll down his face silently, but relentlessly. The pain was just so overwhelming.

He thought back to the lyrics of his current work.

'Please stop this pain
If you hadn't changed, then I'd still be by your side
If I gave you one last chance, can we go back again?'

Tears gathered on Felix's cheeks, decorating his freckles like a dusting of glitter. He wanted nothing more than to be that happy boy he showed to Changbin. He wanted nothing more than to be back by Chan's side. To love and be loved.

Felix snorted loudly. With an angry huff he punched his thigh with his other hand, balled up into a fist.

'Stop it Felix. You've been replaced. You're nothing to him now.'

'You're nothing...'

Tears fell again, dripping onto the floor.

Taking a firmer hold of the blade, Felix drew a line near the old scars, decorating the upper part of his thigh. Straight and just deep enough for the blood to start beading on his leg. Wincing, he'd forgotten how it felt, but the pain of his rejection was fading slowly.

Sinking to the floor, he let the blood seep out and trail down to the tiles. The blade dropped from his fingers and he cradled his head in his hands. Felix was glad he'd brought his bluetooth speaker into the bathroom with him to cover any noise, as he sobbed loudly.

The last note of Say My Name by Ateez faded and Felix heard the opening notes of his favourite song of Binnie's. He smiled through his tears and sang along.

'Garodeung bulbitcheoreom
Garodeung bulbitcheoreom
Sseulsseulhan haru kkeuteseo
Udukeoni seon chaero
Godokan bam hangaunde
Aesseo balge useobonda'

He adored Bin's song Streetlight - the rapper was incredibly talented. He was so proud of his friend and was completely convinced that one day SpearB was going to be a name that everyone knew. The whole world would know how extraordinary his friend was.

Binnie's song had kicked Felix out of the miserable headspace he'd dropped into. He looked down at the mess he'd made with his leg. Sighing, he reached for the bottle of antiseptic and cotton pads. Hissing at the sting, he cleaned up the cut and covered it with a bandage, then cleaned up the blood pooling on the tiles. Splashing some water on his face, he fixed his smile. It wasn't completely convincing if you looked too closely, and his red eyes would have betrayed him immediately, however Felix made it back to his bedroom without encountering Changbin and hid the cleaned blade into its box in his dresser.

Sitting down at his keyboard, Felix looked at his notebook with his lyrics. He felt pretty satisfied with the song so far but decided the outro needed to be changed. He tried a few variations but ended up with some lines that really spoke to him right now.

'Honestly, without you in my life
Deep inside, I've never felt alive'

Felix stared at the page. It felt complete. And it felt good. He felt the song was really good. Great even, maybe.

Propping up the page on the keyboard, he played through, singing the whole song from start to finish. As the last note faded, he sat back with his jaw dropped slightly. Raking his fingers through his hair, he was quietly amazed at what he'd written. Jumping up quickly he set up his mic and hooked the keyboard up to his laptop. He would ask Binnie later if he could help him record a cleaner version and use his talents as a producer on it, but for now, he had to record it. Even if it was just a rough take.

Singing through a few times, he finally managed to record a version he was happy with. He transferred it over to a USB drive so he could play it for Binnie later. Felix realised he actually felt kind of exhilarated by finishing the song. He recognised that he felt happy. It was an odd sensation to feel this way after so many weeks of abject misery. A smile broke out on the freckled boy's face, an actual real heartfelt smile this time, his eyes crinkling up at the edges. His heart leapt with joy.

Putting away his equipment, he sent the file to his phone and got ready for bed. Snuggled up in his soft sheets, he got his phone out again and listened to the song a few times and laughed.

'This is really good!' he whispered to himself.

He put the file on repeat and closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of contentment envelop him. Felix drifted off to sleep to the sound of his deep dark chocolate toned words.