maddie sturniolo: the triplets younger sister♡

39 - grateful

tw: anxiety attack

(nick's pov, a few moments before)
i looked over to maddie. she seemed really off.. we were rearranging the car video because she was tired, but i felt like it was a bit more than just being tired. she hadn't even touched her fries. normally she loved eating mcdonald's, but today she wasn't eating any of it.
"these fries go craaaazy dude" chris chuckled, scoffing the fries. matt looked at me, then gestured to maddie. i looked at her. she was staring off into the distance out of the window. i gently picked up the fries off her lap and lifted it up to her face.
"do you not want these?" i asked.
she shook her head, then to my surprise, she brought her knees to her chest and started bawling. i looked at matt, in shock.
what the fuck just happened?
"maddie what's wrong?" i asked her, shuffling closer to her, making chris turn around in confusion. she didn't answer. i brought her into my side and wrapped my arm around her shoulder, rubbing her back. the poor thing was shaking like crazy. matt got out the car and walked over to maddie's side and opened the door.

(maddie's pov)
not this again. this is so embarrassing. why did i ALWAYS end up crying infront of them. how were they not sick of me yet. i wouldn't even be surprised if my brothers ended up leaving me.
i was curled up in a ball leaning against nick as he rubbed my back, not letting go of me. i could feel matts presence on my right side, next to the door. he was standing outside and he rested his head on my back, attempting to join the hug.
"it's okay, it's okay" matt whispered, as i sniffled even more. chris leaned forward to turn off the camera and got a box of tissues. i couldn't see what he was doing but i could tell he was worried.
"chris, don't worry about it, it's fine" nick said to chris. i didn't have any fucking idea what they were talking about but i was too torn to worry about it right now.

(a few minutes later)
"do you wanna try and explain what happened? or what triggered this?" matt asked, standing by the door outside. i hiccuped, before finally being able to explain, in between tears.
"macy's fucking moving to nebraska and i'm never gonna ever see her again" i sobbed, breaking down even more. now that i was really saying it out loud, it was beginning to become true, and my reality. i couldn't control my emotions anymore. i was shaking. i was about to have an anxiety attack again. i could hear muffled voices from my brothers trying to comfort me, but my vision was going blurry. i could just make out matts figure coming closer to embrace me in a hug, but my breathing was getting faster and faster. i felt so hot. i could feel my heart pounding out of my chest. the car was making me claustrophobic, i felt trapped.
i noticed matt pull away from me, and then he took me outside, but i was so out of it, that i couldn't focus on anyone, or anything else, apart from macy.

matt wrapped his arm around me as we walked outside the car to a nearby curb. we sat down and he held me close, helping me to breathe. he must've realised i was having an anxiety attack, and he knows how much fresh air helps. as i felt the wind brushing past my skin, it did actually bring me more down to earth and helped me focus on my breathing.
"that's it. you're doing so well maddie" matt softly spoke, pressing a kiss to my head. i was just grateful that he was here to hold me, instead of just telling me to 'calm down' or avoid the fact that i'm having an anxiety attack. thanks to matt, i know it's important that if i'm having an anxiety attack, i need to recognise it so i can focus on my breathing and think of happy things that will calm me down, and figure out what is triggering it. obviously, i know that macy leaving has triggered this, and i explained this to matt.
"it just feels like all my friends leave me. every single one of them has left. i have no one now i'm just so stupid" i sobbed.
"oh, bubba, no don't say that, you're not stupid at all. you're not" he said, rocking me gently back and forth. "macy would have stayed here if she wanted to. she would've never left you deliberately, you know that right?
i didn't answer. i knew matt was right but my mind was racing.
"macy was an amazing girl, and you were a very lucky girl to even be friends with someone like that. you became best friends in such a short amount of time. that's something special, and you guys have a strong bond." matt explained. "and even if you're several states away from each other, your bond will not break. you'll always be able to contact her, and call her, and you know what? maybe we can go visit her in nebraska oneday."
i nodded. i hoped we could. i wished macy would just spawn here with me and matt and tell me it was a prank.. or something.. just something to tell me it's not true.
"what am i gonna do when i go to school? i'm gonna have no friends" i asked, sitting up.
"hey." he began, turning my face so i could look at him. "you're gonna find new friends, just like you found macy in a time where you thought that you would never have any friends again after sophie. do you remember?"
i do remember. that was one of my darkest times. i remember when matt picked me up from school when i sobbed in his arms in the car as he told me everything would be alright. and now the same thing was happening again. i didn't realise how much i was glad i had matt in my life. sure, i had my supportive parents and nick and chris, but matt had always been here for me through everything. from when i got rejected from my dream art school in seventh grade, when i fell off my bike in elementary school, when i got fucking poisoned, and now here. i don't know what i would do without my brother.
"and it may take some time, but it will happen. and don't force it, because you wanna find the right people. and you will. and remember, you've always got me, chris, nick, alahna, nate, elmer-"
suddenly, i dug myself into matt's embrace and clung onto him. grateful. grateful i had this pure soul as my brother. he rubbed my back. i didn't have to say anything, but he knew that i wanted to say thank you.
"i love you"

(20 mins later)
chris and nick had come to join us on the curb, because i had calmed down now. the fresh air certainly helped. nick and chris had also given me some really good advice.
"matt said we could maybe visit her in nebraska oneday. like during the holidays." i sniffled
"oh FUCK yeah, we're gonna visit macy oneday" nick responded, making all of us laugh. "nebraska here we come"
chris chuckled, looking at me.
"look, i know it's gonna be hard, but when it gets too much, please come and talk to one of us. we gotchu always. we got your back." chris smiled, intertwining our hands and rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb. i smiled, as matt wiped the remaining tears off my face.
we went home shortly after that, and then i went to bed.