stay (jenna ortega x female reader) AU (editing and revising)

chapter 11

Jenna's POV

The next morning, I woke up comfortably in Maddie's guest bedroom, where Y/n and I slept. I laid under a thin quilt blanket, and my head sank into a pillow. The sun was freshly risen, and the morning dew fogged the grass, and a soft breeze flowed through the windows, making the curtains float.

After we had made out, there was no exchange of words for the rest of the night. We had gone to bed shortly after, snuggling up against each other. I laid on her chest with my arms wrapped around her, while she gently played with my hair.

To say I couldn't articulate the overwhelming feeling of joy Y/n brought me wouldn't do it justice. I never directly confessed my fondness of her, before or after the kiss, with never having the tenacity to do so. I was still afraid, despite her obvious exchange of the same feelings. Perhaps it was because of my personal philosophy of actions being more discreet than words, as you could put words into someone's mouth easily, but to explain something physical would be much harder. This idea held me back, though it aroused a feeling of cowardness, since she was brave enough to confess.

When I opened my eyes, I was disappointed to see an otherwise empty bed. She must have gone downstairs already.

Though, when I passed around the whole first floor on the way to the kitchen, there was no sign of her.

"Have you seen Y/n?" I asked Maddie with scrunched eyebrows. She was putting a tea bag in her steaming cup, her back turned to me.

"Yeah, I caught her leaving when I just got up. She seemed to be in a rush and was acting strangely...did something happen?" She voiced her concern as she faced me, all the while blowing the steam out of the air that was rising from her mug.

I hesitated before answering, unsure of what I should say.

"No, not particularly." I said. She shrugged, not thinking it was a big deal. We were not reacting the same.

I felt my gut start to slowly sink into my stomach, drowning in anxiety and dread. The same pit of guilt- just like the morning after the dance- had returned, and my mind began to race, just as it always did. Had we taken things too far? Did she change her mind?

Guilt and shame began to consume me right as I was standing in that kitchen. I felt like I was going to be sick, with my chest tightening and the churning in my stomach. I shouldn't have left marks on her neck, shouldn't have ever had my tongue in her mouth, and I shouldn't have ever felt my lips on her.

A storm of self-degrading thoughts of disgust was all my thoughts had to say, reminding me every waking second of the stupid, stupid decisions I had made. I wanted - needed - one thing on this Earth, and it was Y/n. I needed her meaningful glances, her poetic words, her snarky remarks, her disguised compliments, her occasional brush of hand, the feel of her stomach as I had my arms wrapped around them on the bike.

These thoughts repeated over and over in my mind, ricocheting off the walls of my brain and coming back to remind me once more. I wanted to hit myself, but I also didn't want to look like a lunatic in front of Maddie.

"I'm going to go." I broke out of my trance and took quick strides toward the front door.

"Hey, is everything okay?" She yelled from the kitchen, sensing there was something going on.

"Yeah, I just forgot I needed to do something." I didn't bother trying to make a good excuse, I just knew I had to get out of there and find Y/n.

I got on my bike and rode through the streets with haste, all the while dread began to eat me alive. The world around me didn't seem to exist, and an emotional tunnel vision clouded any other thoughts. A sob was present at the back of my throat, making it hard to breathe, and making any word she might say trigger it into a sickening cry. I felt as though I would not be able to rest easily, or even live throughout the day, until I talked to her about what transpired.