stay (jenna ortega x female reader) AU (editing and revising)

chapter 12

Your POV

I remember waking up that morning with a strange feeling weighing on me, mentally and physically. Both were Jenna.

As I looked down at her sleeping peacefully on my chest, an uneasy feeling was obnoxiously present, though I don't know why. I had done all that I had wanted- I confessed to the girl, I kissed the girl, so why did I feel a pit of anxiety? Why did I feel as though what I did was wrong, and a mistake?

Jenna sprawled out across my body, and it made me feel the way it shouldn't. I felt gross, like I had somehow forced her into this, and that she didn't actually want what we were doing. I began to tear up, feeling so terrible about what we had done, though I had no reason to.

Looking back at it now, internalized homophobia was taking over even my logical thoughts, and was painting the moment something that it wasn't. I had felt nothing but shame, for who I was and what I was doing, and was guilty that my lack of identity was now Jenna's problem as well. There was no other way of putting it than to say I was disgusted with myself. It had nothing to do with her, I just couldn't accept myself for who I was.

All I knew at that moment was that for me and Jenna's sake, I had to get away. I needed to avoid her as much as possible, so that she would eventually start to dislike me, and not want to be around me. If I were to keep what we had going, it would only hurt her, and that was what I wanted the least. I knew that it was not normal to feel these feelings right after doing an intimate act with someone, and if I pretended that the feelings were nonexistent and tried to shove them away, it would only lead to resentment. I recognized that it would hurt both of us in the beginning, and the thought of ever making Jenna upset was enough to make me sick of myself. But this whole plan was rooted in my deep love for her, as I thought it was for the better if we stopped our discreet love charade, even though it killed a piece of me.

After she had confronted me, I ran over to Maddie's house, a sobbing mess. When I opened the door, she didn't say anything, but pulled me into a hug.

"I really like her. And I...I don't want to hurt her." I barely got my words out in between sobs. Maddie held the back of my head and caressed it as I cried.

"I know, I know." She said softly. "You're only trying to do what's right, and that's the best thing anyone can do."

She broke away from the hug and led me into the living room. We sat on her couch and watched a movie as I silently cried into her shoulder. She didn't ask me about anything, but I felt she already knew.

The next few days consisted of crying, eating, and sleeping. All I did was sleep, as it was the only true escape from the depressing reality I was in. I stayed at Maddie's, not going back to my house once. I had no motivation to leave the bed, though it didn't stop Maddie from urging me to do things with her.

"You should go to this party Eddie and I are going to. Basically the whole neighborhood is going, so it would be weird if you didn't." She tried convincing me. I looked up at her from my coffee, deadpan.

"Does this look like the face of someone who wants to party?" I said, referencing my tired face.

"You gotta get out of your depressive episode sometime." She rolled her eyes and complained about my homebody. I sat back in the booth at Melina's and looked out the window in thought. Maddie had begged for me to visit her on her break, and I finally said yes after she told me Jenna wasn't working the same shift. It was my first time going out in days, and although I hated admitting I was wrong and Maddie was right, it felt nice to leave her house.