Addiction

Tsukishima

Fuck. Fuck my life. Fuck my addiction. Why must it feel so good? It's an abusive, manipulative, toxic relationship I can't leave. The pull of the nicotine to it at any moment of the day is so bad that I despise those that try to take it away; the lover that whispers lies that my friends and family are liars and that they are trying to harm me.

Lies I listen to everytime. Lies said by a seductive voice that calls my name constantly. Lies that make my blood boil as my mother takes the pack from my hand and goes to throw it away. Lies that make me yell. Lies that persuade me into slapping her. Slapping the woman that brought me into the world. The woman who has loved me unconditionally and is just trying to help. The woman my older brother defends. The woman that rightfully sends me to therapy.

My life becomes a cycle. Everyday it's the same thing.

Wake up, go to school, get judged, go to practice, judged more, go to therapy, go to sleep, repeat.

It's been this way for two weeks now. It's awful. Noya and Tanaka don't know how to keep their mouths shut and told the whole school. Everyone knows that I am a depressed, nicotine addicted douchebag.

The Addiction Squad had a meet up yesterday. I couldn't go. Not without ratting out the others. Yamaguchi went to brief me on the meeting since I had to delete the group messages before my brother went looking through my phone. It was to make sure I wasn't hiding any worse thoughts from them.

I wasn't. The nicotine wasn't to stop thoughts, just stress.

According to Yamaguchi, Kuroo knew about Kenma and helped him through the night recently. The group debated about letting Kuroo listen on meetings like Yamaguchi did. Yamaguchi voted yes even if he didn't have an official say. Kenma and Daishou voted 'no' saying they didn't want to see how knowing about 4 people with problems that slowly killed them would affect him. They had said that he looked tired enough as it was with knowledge of Daishou and Kenma.

Kageyama had gone undecided.  He believed it could probably help them but worried that, based on what the drug addict and the Insomniac had shared about him, it would only worsen whatever state his mental health was in.  I too am undecided. Both sides make convincing arguments.

It was also revealed by Kageyama that both Kiyoko and Oikawa knew about his drinking problems and were planning on telling his older sister. There was no debated about any of them sitting in on the meetings. It was an automatic, big, fat 'no'.

Yamaguchi informed them that I was going to rehab, though I prefer the term therapy. It wasn't just working on getting me to quit smoking, but it was looking into my mind to find the source of the problem. The therapist was very nice. He informed me that he too had a smoking problem once and it greatly stunted parts of his life for quite some time. Sometimes the sessions end up just us talking about my interests. I asked why he doesn't ask me about topics more related to the reason I'm there, but he said that listening to someone talk about their interests can show deep parts of the mind not even the beholder knows. When I asked if he found anything, he said he noticed I liked talking about things that were common misconceptions about dinosaurs or habits that some animals had even if that habit proved dangerous to them. He said he found it interesting that I too had a habit that I knew was bad for me. It made me feel seen. I liked it.

It was a part of the day I liked, but it wasn't doing much for my addiction.

My favorite part of the day was spending time with Tadashi and King, I even enjoyed seeing the girl King liked. They started becoming closer after she apologized for missing his birthday and she likes to tag along. She heard about my addiction from her guy friend who heard from his girlfriend who heard from her sister who heard from her best friend, who heard from her boyfriend who heard from Tanaka, and she was very sweet about it and gave a system to Yamaguchi to help me off it. Even then, she wasn't pushy or rude. I could see why Kageyama liked her. Too bad she doesn't know about his issue, she would be so much help to him.

Speaking of which he was beginning to look worse. I could see him taking headache medication and even had to use the excuse of needing to use the restroom so he could puke during practice. He was getting worse hangovers, which meant he was drinking more and wasn't giving himself time to recover.

Damn, all this worrying about other people was making me stressed again I want to smoke. No, I need to, but the door to my room stays locked after 10. She doesn't sleep till 12 but by 10 we've already eaten dinner and I don't typically leave my room till morning so she uses it to be cautious.

Tonight is Friday. She's downstairs watching some housewife bullshit. I'm laying on my bed, headphones on, some American singer by the name of Nico Collins playing, and attempting read a book. It's not going well, both in the plot line and trying to read the book. The main character, a spoiled prince, was being chased by moving explosive cracks from som spell and ran into a viking dude that clearly did not like him.

Honestly, he was a really shitty character, but you had to admire how relatable he could be and his resemblance of society. I bet you if he were real, a lot of hypocrites would be telling him how much of lustful, lying, greedy, self centered little shit of a coward he was. It's funny how society worked. No wonder he was a prince, those kinds of people always seemed to hold a lot of power.

I closed my book and set it down, I reached for my notebooks so I could study but I was met with a knock on the door.

"Come on in," I say.

My mother opened the door. It was weird. She doesn't normally bother me at this time.

"Hey, honey, you have a friend here to see you." I raised an eyebrow. Tadashi doesn't come by at this time. She looked toward whoever it was with a soft expression. "I'll get you some fresh clothes and a glass of water."

The person she was talking to walked in. It was a thin, black haired boy that was a mere 3 inches shorter than me. His bright blue eyes were surrounded by pink and eye bags. He was dripping wet which isn't a surprise as it was raining outside. His cheeks were a little rosy and I couldn't tell if he was tipsy, cold, or embarrassed. I assumed a mix of all three. He nodded as my mother closed the door.

A small stench of alcohol reached my nose as I approached him. Definitely tipsy.

"Kageyama? What are you doing here? Especially looking and smelling like you just came out of a bar?" I knew better than to call him king when he looked like this.

His voice was small when he responded, almost as if he had run it hoarse. "I uh needed a place to go. Your place was the closest to the bar."

"Needed a place for what? Too drunk to get all the way home?" He was looking at the floor.

He shook his head.

"What do you need?"

"Help." Help? With what? What could need help for?

For some reason, only then, did I notice the rest of his appearance. His pants looked as though they were put on hastily, his shirt and hair were messy and his neck is what really gave it away. There were bite marks and bruises that trailed under his shirt.

"You can stay the night, but you owe me an explanation in the morning.  It doesn't have to be infront of my mother, though I would advise it." He nodded.

My mother brought him clothes and a glass of water and I grabbed a futon for him. Mom even let him borrow the shower.  I think she just didn't want the stench of alcohol in her house. After he had cleaned up, got changed and drank the water, he thanked us and laid down on the futon in my room that I had set up for him.

I usually don't say things like this, especially about him, so don't hold me accountable for it, but I felt bad for him. Soon enough morning would be here and I would know exactly what happened to him.