The Boy I Could Never Love

Will You...?

I broke it off at the beginning of my junior year with the guy from camp. We continued to talk, just not as often. *Still a great guy, but with his mother went back to work it created the need to put him in school. The reason I chose to stay with him was because he didn't know anything better than what I offered. The introduction of school welcomed competition. After a few months, my anxiety forced me to give him up.

The biggest change came in his proudly announcing he was my ex like alumni at Harvard, and I felt like some prestigious school he graduated from. With proof that friendship remained possible for a couple who dated, I stood ready to test it. My dilemma, how to go about it?

Most schools hold a winter carnival of sorts, mine was no different. That year, the halls received decorations with their class' chosen theme. I believe ours centered around the sixties and the other the solar system. We outdid ourselves and it truly looked remarkable. The atmosphere felt festive, and, in light of the event, I thought about inviting my friend to the semi-formal.

The positive thoughts had since replaced the negative ones, and I even found myself telling people we were friends when I saw him. My strong desire to go with him coupled with my rising feelings decided the affection existed as something more than the whims of a lonely teenage girl who didn't have a boyfriend. After everything, I remained resolved not to use him to pass the time, knowing he deserved better than that.

But, the closer it got to the dance, the more I questioned if it felt like a good idea, and ended up not doing it. My excuse came in the form of waiting too long to ask. The thought that he wouldn't be able to on such short notice held my tongue as this happened previously when asked if he planned to go to something else earlier that year.

February vacation came and went, and I found myself thinking of how to express my interest. Containing no idea whether he still liked me, the thought of a dance felt like a good place to test it, but the only event that remained was prom.

The majority of my friends came from church and either went to a different school or were homeschooled. My best friend and I were classmates, *but isolating myself after what happened made us drift apart*, plus she moved to another state the summer before. The peers who called themselves my friends did so as we didn't understand the meaning of friendly acquaintance.

My girlfriend in homeroom warmed up to him some over the years, but she felt too close to the situation. Besides, whenever I said something sweet to him, she gagged. Beyond telling my church friends I wanted to ask my friend to the dance because I liked him, they didn't know him. Their advice said to go for it if that's what I wanted, and I did. I formed a plan to ask and see what happened with no backup.

It took a month to work up the courage, but with eight weeks left to plan, it gave us enough time to get the required things. Still convinced my previous rejections would influence disbelief that my feelings could change, it never occurred to me how my asking him to prom may appear heartless.

My thoughts centered around the hope that my invite could bring us closer, or at the very least get him to talk more candidly. I couldn't comprehend how he might view things differently or even impossible. The world didn't work like that, or so I thought, resulting in what I imagined going very differently in practice.

When I saw him in the lobby between classes one morning, I walked up to him, and blurted out, Can I talk to you? I couldn't even look him in the eye, I felt so nervous. Stopping as he had no where to go with me in front of him, he agreed. Don't lose your nerve just do it, I told myself. Will you go to prom with me?

His reply came before my lips closed on the question, and I wondered if he understood what I asked. Following up to make sure brought me to inquire if he wanted to think about it first. He said he didn't. After an awkward pause, I added, then I guess we're going to prom, with an excited shrug he must have interpreted as, oh well, it's done now.

The return response sounded annoyed, so I believed it possible he needed to get going. As he asked if there was anything else, I said, I guess not, mentally slapping myself for acting like an idiot. He never held a desire in going to so much as a football game, so the idea that the prom would interest him left me thinking I would need to convince him. Yet, he just agreed like he'd waited his whole life for the question.

I expected him to ask why. When he didn't, it threw me off terribly. Providing no explanation to believe he misheard sent my thoughts into overdrive. Standing there, I supposed he really could want to go but didn't express the desire for lack of a date. Further, asking him out might not see us last the full two months, and by then I was set on the idea of going with him.

His quick response threw me so much that I overlooked the strength of his embarrassment. Normally, my friend called me on my shit, leading me to believe he would admit the mishap. Braced for the backlash I expected to take, the absence kept me on edge. Sadly, he stayed silent on the matter, however, accurate.

He held no way of knowing that will you go to prom with me, stood code for, will you go out with me, where those words never passed my lips. I just asked him on a date, but could not bring myself to tell him how badly I'd behaved, thinking he could well use it against me. Not to act cruel, that was not his way, but because my insistence on just being friends would see him unable to accept the offer.

*I wish my uncertainty contained a better source of explanation.* If I'd understood how poorly I interpreted things at the eagerness of his answer, it would have brought the truth out. Again, and I can't stress enough, they might of worked out an appropriate medication, but a good counselor I could trust to assist me in my figuring all of this out would have helped.

Asking where he was headed in an attempt to salvage the situation, he told me breakfast. Duh, I thought, you should have guessed that at this time of the day, and by the fact, we are standing in the lobby. Questioning if he wanted me to come with him met the reply of, I'm set.

I tried to keep him talking until I could bring up what I really wanted, but he got trite with me and I allowed him to leave, wondering if I should follow him anyway. However, he really sounded like he didn't want me to. Knowing I would see him later, and we could figure out how to take it from there, I went to my next class. My friend said yes, so all was good, right? Check and done.

We did talk later, but when I brought it up, he told me it would be okay if I didn't want to go with him. Assuring him I did, we discussed how we might get there, neither of us holding a license, and figured out a few minor details. He acted unconcerned about the whole process. It made me wonder if he felt like a placeholder, but I didn't know how to continue the conversation. My friend never did ask why I wanted to go with him.

Why do you think he didn't want to know?
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