The Boy I Could Never Love

Crazy Eights

Somewhere in this time, I met a group of guys through a girl a grade below us. This happened when she asked to come over one day. <I found it odd, but thinking the changes I made to gain friends were finally paying off, I said yes. Once at my house, I realized what I did by bringing her home and got nervous. So when she begged me to walk into town, I agreed.

We ended up at her boyfriend's. It was nerve wreaking where he and I didn't really get along. He never treated me as badly as some, but he didn't care for me either. I distanced myself, not saying much, and allowed her to spend time with him. It came as a surprise when his friends showed up and the visit continued to go smoothly.

When we left, she chastised me for acting like I did. Explaining how uncomfortable I felt brought her to say they weren't as bad as all that. I shrugged saying that weren't bad to her. Yet, nearly every time she came over that was the only place she wanted to go.>

She might have been using me, but the fact that we didn't stick around made it so I really didn't mind as it gave me a way to get out of the house. Plus, once I warmed up to them, the guys did seem fun to hang around, so I allowed it to continue.

The boys were in my class, and I wanted to know if my presence came as a means to an end or if they actually came to enjoy my company. I decided to sit with them at lunch to determine this. When offering both my friend and my girlfriend to join me, they told me they didn't want to. After a week of begging to leave our sad end of the table, I just did.

Learning my being with the guys remained accepted, I began developing friendly relationships with each of them. However, going back and forth between them and my friends began to wear on me. I wished to include everyone, but even though I asked the guys if they could, it remained impossible to convince my friends to sit with us.

Where I went off and on with the guy from the club, one took an interest. The fact that he wasn't bad to look at and wrestled with me on his friend's lawn like my neighbors, which his friends told me meant I liked him, made me consider him. I turned him down at first and returned to my friends, saying it happened again, another guy likes me who I wished to be friends with. If I wanted that, I might as well stay where I was. Yet, after experiencing the lively atmosphere of the other table, my friends seemed boring, and I went back.

*Requests to join me still met with resistance, and brought them accusing me of wanting to be there because he was. I really didn't, but convincing them of that drained me. The desire arrived from wanting to be around his energetic friends, and I wanted my friends to protect me from him in the process.* Angry at them for holding me back, I told them so and walked away, eventually leaving them behind permanently.

Sitting with each group separately, brought me straining to think of interactions with the other. My disconnected thought process merely allowed me to comprehend that both made me feel accepted, though my friends didn't support me in my want of more friends. How or why, lived behind a locked screen that, try as I might, I could not open. Explaining this at my new table saw them conclude that this all pointed to my feelings for my friends not being as strong.

<Without my friends, no one stood in my corner. That made it easy for the guy to entice me into going out with him. Unlike my friend, his approach came suave, and he contained friends to encourage it. Believing them my friends too, I thought it pointed toward a good thing. It was not, and we broke up rather quickly. Yet, abandoning my real friends left me nowhere to turn to, so I remained at their table where he and his friends talked me into giving him another chance.>

My going back and forth happened only because of my incapacity to remember why I left. The good feelings overpowered the bad actions, and without a common factor to remind me of those reasons, they fell into the back of my mind. It saw me trade one horrible relationship for another only to go back to the first. Wash, rinse, and repeat...

Ever done something that you thought was going to be good and found out it wasn't?
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