The Boy I Could Never Love

Treatment

Depression comes with an uphill battle, toting anxiety as its companion. Had I gotten the help I needed when my symptoms first occurred, I question how my life would play out. My feelings might make sense to me, and the need to please might not feel so strong. Alternatively, the fear of being hurt by everyone around me held me captive, resulting in the events of this story. The outcome may not change, but I believe, it would provided aid in telling my friend the truth.

My depression went unchecked for too long, leaving whatever we might have had to play out in dreams of the past. In a time when nightmares reigned, I never got to love my friend as he deserved. Our time together remains printed on my heart, and he will always hold a special place in my life. We stood out as two quirky kids in a non-quirky world. Out of all the things I can not remember, I never forgot him, and I never stopped loving his kind and gentle nature. I did see him. He was not unloved, and I never thought myself too good. I always believed him too good for the brokenness that lived in me for the simple wisdom that you don't give someone you love something you hate.

PTSD, depression, anxiety, a dissociative disorder presenting with amnesia from trauma, fibromyalgia, and narcolepsy occupy the list of things I'm required to deal with. There stands some debate on whether some came in result of or presented on their own. Nevertheless, my stressed brain could not help avoiding them. My array of conditions need medications and supplements as well as ongoing therapy to get me through.

Pain and fatigue live as my constant companions, seeing me overweight and absent from many physical activities I once enjoyed. Coupled with my anxiety, it can cause a hug to feel like too much at times. Triggers constantly present these twenty-five years later, like the creeky board outside my bedroom door, and my mind questions if asking my pre-teen son to change his two-year-old sister or make her a bottle expects too much from him.

Do not feel sorry for me. Many hardships over the years allowed me to evolve into a stronger version of myself. I now rain hellfire against adversary. However, reminding myself I am not to blame for non-acceptance remains a persistent battle I must fight against with determination. I may continue to struggle, but I no longer need it as strongly as I once did. The good days outweigh the bad, and I love the life I built for myself. My family gives me lots of joy, and even if things aren't perfect, my children's smiling faces make it worthwhile. Life is what we make it, how do you wish to make yours?

I chose to start a new life, leaving the nightmares behind me. My son reminds me of back then. He delivers a knack for being the socially awkward, eager-to-please, sweetheart with few friends. His recent bout with depression spurred the writing of this. Unlike me, his life includes people who know enough about mental health to catch it early. Preventing him from the numbness I lived with exists as my new goal in life.

As for my friend, my wish lives on in his health, happiness, and the chance to howl at the moon. If he has that, I remain content. I strive for nothing more than to say what I couldn't back then, in hopes it gives me peace. He was amazing, ever kind, sweet, and caring. He wouldn't hurt a soul and his love of family stilled my heart. I went through the darkest part of my life with him by my side as he sat in silence and listened to my demons. Just knowing he heard me gave me comfort, and slowly but surely, made me whole, for which I am eternally grateful. The times I sat on that table in homeroom live on as some of my most precious memories. He was my first love. The one that got away, because I let him go. But more importantly, he was my friend.

Who do you remember fondly?

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