The Boy I Could Never Love

Prom

Two weeks before the dance, I started getting really excited about going. Whenever I thought about it, I smiled, knowing that would finally be our night. We had entered the home stretch, and I remained certain things would happen like they were supposed to. That's when he told me he would be out of town for his little sister's birthday party, scheduled the same day as our prom, and had no way of getting back.

I knew about her party a few weeks before, but he remained confident he would go to prom despite the fact. Now he stood there, behaving as if I should just accept his change of heart. Regardless of my, or should I say, my mother's, willingness to travel the forty-five minutes to get him from the party, a hike but not terrible in our rural area, he declined. Once I'm there, I'm there, he told me. I thought maybe his parents guilted him into going or couldn't afford him something to wear in lieu of the expense. They didn't have a lot as was common in our area. Anyhow, he never confirmed the reason.

I knew his sister from brief encounters and volunteered to forego prom myself if he still wished to spend time with me. All things considered, I assumed it a reasonable request. Another fantastical rendition of events included me fulfilling her plea to become his girlfriend as a present.

Granted, it came two years after the fact, but it felt fitting. However, he informed me under no uncertain terms would his parents allow me to join them. All my plans went up in ash, but where I couldn't be with him and already bought everything, including the ticket, I went to the dance with my girlfriend from church.

The night's festivities made me miserable. No one there carried any sympathy for my situation, and not one person asked me to dance as they all came with dates. That's when I learned that not many people knew he and I meant to go together.

I didn't keep who I was to go with from anyone, just never stated the reason. If they asked, I told them. The problem came when few asked before I got there. Here, I wish I did things differently by conveying my excitement and telling anyone willing to listen he was my date.

It didn't help that the first person who asked brought me to think about the way he accepted. I sat there wondering if the prom or the unasked question gave birth to his eagerness. My thought process needed longer to figure out my debate before her decree to march up to him and tell him how uncomfortable I acted about going with him left me begging her not to. Getting back into that headspace proved difficult without somebody asking, and I concentrated on my response from then on.

I never told him not to mention it, but he didn't. I thought that meant he wanted to keep it low-key. We talked about it openly in homeroom and the hall, and I bitched him out even more openly when he canceled. Theater, choir, voice lessons, and my hearing-impaired grandparents saw my voice carried, so I'm pretty sure people heard me.

I wondered that night if, instead of the attention pushing him away, it might convey my desire to go with HIM, and what I stood willing to do to make that a reality. He always seemed a private person. In not declaring it with gusto, I sought to respect that.

I spent those hours lost in what-ifs and maybes, trying to make sense of what went wrong. In the end, I became inconsolable and walked home an hour early, not bothering to tell anyone. I lived less than a mile away from the hall but nearly twisted my ankle twice where I hardly ever wore heels. I made it home safely, nursing my pride which received the wound more than anything.

He defended his reasoning for his choice even after, which made me feel worse. I understood the dedication to family, but prom with the girl you've liked for years versus a twelve-year-old's birthday party? I couldn't fathom the reasoning.

Saying he reserved the right to change his mind and believed that girls should be grateful to a guy who put family members first, told me his family would always come before any relationship. And although I respected that wholeheartedly, I asked for one night, two months in advance, and a month before he knew anything about the party. Birthdays come every year, he concluded.

What made this worse is that I knew how he felt about his family going into this, and I too loved his sister. If he wanted to go, I gave him that option when he first told me about the celebration. Then, I still needed to get a few things and hadn't yet bought the tickets as they only just went on sale. It would upset me, but my dress wasn't expensive so I didn't mind if I didn't use it. We could always figure out some other way to get together on a different day.

He chose prom with me at that time. He still thought we were going as friends, but I banked on his word and the chance to spend an evening with me. In the end, he decided not to take it and made me feel expendable.

All this proved my excitement was wasted. Just when I felt happy, the nightmares found me again. I retreated, and stopped trying to make him see how I felt. He never told me what changed his mind, but I always got the feeling something didn't add up. Like, I didn't know the whole story.

It could be as simple as he didn't take the event and my interest seriously. Maybe he got scared and the thought of one awkward night with a friend couldn't compare to the sister who loved him or could be the girl who I first told said something anyway.

The thought did occur to me that he led me on to do this, but talking with him about it, not in any way did I get the sense his actions were done on purpose. When it came to malicious people, he was not one of them. Multiple attempts to bring the reason from him failed until he firmly demanded I drop it.

Who should I feel upset with here?
Please comment and vote.