The Boy I Could Never Love

Letting Go

I remember a time my friend asked if I didn't believe he was broken. Not like me, I told him. I'm sure my friend witnessed his share of hardship, but the truth is, I don't know. I hope it wasn't anywhere near the same, and his family saw him sheltered from the atrocities that befell me. Based on the experience with him alone I could never have seen myself reject him, but my life created the need to take caution.

Beyond needing the outlet he provided, my already highly stressed mental state saw my mind and body shut down without emotional loss to aid it. This made so I feared it happening again. That seemed unfair to ask anyone to deal with. The need to protect myself, and those I cared about, kept me from going that far with anyone.

There existed one who made me feel as though his leaving would cause my heart to stop. <Mentioning it in homeroom to my girlfriend, the sight of my friend gained my focus. I knew then that my feelings, however strong, came nowhere near as intense as those for my friend.> Still, the idea of forcing someone to make that choice brought me to reflect and ultimately tore me apart.

Fearful of holding the person I loved captive, I shut my emotions out and in a few months broke it off with the guy in my refusal to keep someone unhappy to save me. From that moment on, apprehension of my friend learning the strength of my conviction kept me from expressing them, seeing I buried those feelings as well until the medication resurfaced them.

We might have lasted had I given in and admitted to returning his feelings before he began pulling away. Yet, letting him in sought to destroy me if ever my friend no longer wanted me. Remaining trapped by his sense of loyalty long after the relationship reached its close would not make either of us happy.

Eventually, I succeeded in driving him off, safe from the chaos that lived within me, but I always hoped I would get to see the day when someone brought the smile back to his face. I loved him and wanted him to move on so he could live happily. Watching him miserable ate at me. For, a wolf in a cage could never live comfortably.

That intense, but beautiful, and gentle boy I knew, possessed no knowledge of how to help the scared little girl being crushed under the weight of her world. He supported me in his own way, yet the type of tenderness and empathy I needed, he lacked. My friend said he loved me, but his love did not know how to be there for me.

My struggles left me in need of a person who could see beauty in the broken, take comfort in my tears, and help control my urges; someone to comfort and console me and tell me how great I am without anything in return. I looked for escape and for protection when what I needed was a caretaker. His live-and-let-live manner saw he could offer neither. Nor did he realize he held the power to break me.

I know my friend could not understand. We were kids, and I lived with a difficult condition. I could blame him for his treatment near the end, but chose to believe it came from the actions of a young man whose heart got broken time and again. His beautiful soul deserved the world, but as long as I remained unhealthy, I could not give it to him. Love makes us do crazy things. Mine saw I pushed him away deliberately.

Looking for him years later, I failed to find him. Beyond the town he lived in, I contained nothing to go on, and his presence on social media remained nonexistent. A possible abandoned account revealed that my friend met the woman he later married around the same time we built a house and got out of my in-laws. I messaged him but received no reply.

Yet, reconnecting may prove difficult for both of us. I loved him, and he loved me, but the boy I knew in school earned my loyalty. The man who exists today means nothing to me since I do not know him. If ever I did, I don't know what I would feel. I may never know the answer to that question, but I choose to believe he's living his best life.

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