The Boy I Could Never Love

First Time (Yes, it is what you are thinking)

The fact that penial penetration never occurred in the assault aided in the belief that what I experienced was not rape. That's when I decided if I had to take what life gave me, I wouldn't allow that stolen from me too, and I lost my virginity shortly after. I tried to get my friend to comfort me again before making that decision official, yet he refused each request, solidifying my resolve that this remained my only option.

We did it wrong and the guy hurt me badly, leaving me in need of advice. At the time, I knew nothing of sexual health as far as actual sex. We just thought he was too big for me, leading us to try harder. I learned many years later that my extremely stressed and overactive mind created a condition called vaginosis where the idea of penetration caused me to clench my pelvic muscles like a vise. Penetration remains possible but very painful if you don't proceed with caution.

I didn't think it should hurt so much for so long, and where all he did was push the head in, the amount of discomfort made little sense. I couldn't go to a teacher or my mom. That served me badly in the past, and I no longer trusted adults. Some of the relationship between my girlfriend and I had mended, and I still contained little else by way of friends. So, confiding in her about how much it ached, she simply said, I lost my virginity and that can sometimes hurt.

A few days later, we tried again. The act wasn't supposed to go anywhere just remain as mutually agreed upon teasing. After the troubles we experienced, we resolved not to do it two months before. I stopped taking birth control as a result, and in light of this, neither of us kept condoms since using one felt like a waste.

I don't know if I needed more time to heal or if my body remained tense, but he moved just right and gained entry. Not caring for the feeling of him inside me, I tried to get him to stop. In response, he said it wouldn't be long. I stopped resisting and allowed it in a desire to satisfy him as I continued to repeat that we wanted this too long to back out now.

He was right, it didn't take long. In the excitement, he failed to pull out. We agonized for over a month until I got my second period after going back on the pill. My boyfriend asked me why it happened after I went off the medication and not before. I just shrugged.

Unsure whose idea it was but we started skipping school to have sex after that. My pleasing self continued to do what I believed would make him feel appreciated. Soon, I came to enjoy and even crave him inside of me. Sex felt like the ultimate thing I could do to prove my love for him.

My friend might have overheard me talking to my girlfriend as we weren't far away. However, more likely he heard it from my boyfriend. The guy loved to brag about how often he could get me. I thought that stood as confirmation of how much he enjoyed being with me, even if it made me uncomfortable. Regardless, the fact made my friend and I retreat further from each other. By that time, I was too far gone to notice.