Status: Open
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Looking for a place to get a personal review for your story? Well, step in.
A workshop initiative by @TheSavantGirls since 2020
cover credits: @devianmisfit
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Warning labels: The book was deleted once by someone who has beef again...
After narrowly escaping death from the Dravonic Army with her best friend and her captain, a hopeful soldier ventures into a world she's never seen to defeat the God of War. *** Astania is a world brimming with magic and mysticism--and Aelisia has never experienced it. Raised as a stoic soldier, she's always known there was more to the world than the Dravonic Army offered. When her good heart nearly gets her killed, she escapes the army with both her friend and captain, throwing her into a world of war and wonder. As Xomaldir, God of War and head of the Dravonic Army, nears closer to destroying Astania, Aelisia knows she needs to act. But she can't do it alone... A 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘳 with a heart far too big. A 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘱𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘳 who has words of honey-if his anxiety doesn't stop him first. A hotheaded 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘸𝘭𝘦𝘳 who can't walk away from a fight. A 𝘣𝘢𝘳𝘥 with a knack for all things magic. An apathetic 𝘥𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘨𝘰𝘥 with an obligation. Together, they set off to do the impossible: start a rebellion, and succeed where history has failed. But they know just how to triumph: finding a relic infused with the energy of the lamented goddess, Atix--the Daybreaker. It's the only weapon capable of killing Xomaldir, and if Aelisia and her friends want to save their home, they know they need to act fast. Can five outcasts turn the tides of an ancient war written in blood? Or will evil truly prevail no matter what?
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Disclaimer: While I was reading your book with my best effort to stay unbiased, I might not catch your intended style for your characters, storyline, or purposes. By the end of the day, you control its narrative. I was just passing through, exploring around, and giving a deduction.
Overall review: The title is simple but hooking, and the blurb gives enough clarity yet doesn't give away spoilers of what might come. The cover is good, but it could be better.
I liked Aelisia from the moment the army rushed to the gate—even though her way of saving a baby was not smart at all. Good characterisation from the get-go, especially how different her scene was compared to the cinematic beginning of Xomaldir's. I adored Zenthi, although I was and still am confused about him. From this 'I wanted to give the elf an amiable smile' and another elf mention, I was dumbfounded. Because from the way Zenthi was described, he's a tiefling...?
Correct me in the comments if I'm missing something here. More so when the race mentioned so far were only elves. All in all, great work on characters, I could even see the depth in Erespen despite she had lesser screen time compared to the other two.
The story had little to no lull and no infodump about worldbuilding. Very dynamic and kept me on my toes. The descriptions were vivid and left me with no confusion about what was going on. Down to the details enabled me to imagine the scenes more clearly and I'm grateful for that. I understand high fantasy has to be rich in descriptions and I don't mind if it's done right, and you did. But, some were really driving it home when it was unnecessary, and it caused redundancy.
Examples: 'The eternal darkness in the sky felt as though the somber shadows plaguing the land were even more suffocating this night, shrouding Uprium in a gloomy trepidation.' No need for gloomy since trepidation was already strong.
'Gray, glowing electricity crackled around his entire figure. The lightning illuminated his silhouette, creating a bright circle of white light that pooled around him.' It could just be '...crackled around his entire figure, creating a bright circle of white light that pooled around him.' There was no need for 'illuminated his silhouette' since the words after already described him enough.
'...lining the streets of Uprium, the concrete already coated with a spotty, thin, sheer layer of crimson blood.' Later, this one, '...eyes trained on the cracked concrete ground.' It could just be cracked ground since the readers already know it's concrete from three paragraphs earlier. I'm not saying it's a crime, but it hindered the pace. Mind you, this was from the first chapter only. Check other chapters as well.
'A burning sensation as hot as fire scorched at her left arm,' in the second chapter, no need for as hot as fire. The rest of the sentence was enough.
'Glow' or 'glowing' was used 23 times in the first three chapters. Not sure if it's unintentional or not, but if it isn't, maybe it's best to find synonyms to replace the word. Again, not a crime, but it was glaring to me. Overall, I enjoyed the story so far! Just be mindful of what I mentioned above.
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