Status: Open
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Looking for a place to get a personal review for your story? Well, step in.
A workshop initiative by @TheSavantGirls since 2020
cover credits: @devianmisfit
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Warning labels: The book was deleted once by someone who has beef again...
All Ivy has ever known is hiding. Since the day she was born, she has stayed hidden behind her mother's wards in the mountains of Colorado and forbidden to explore the outside world. That's because she's different, her mother tells her, but Ivy doesn't see it. She's just a normal curious girl who happens to know a bit of magic, no big deal.
Except that it is a big deal, and the one time she ignores her mother's warnings and dares to leave the protection of the wards, she comes to regret it.
Xavier has spent the last 3 years stalking the mountains of Colorado with his father and hunting for those who broke the sacred law. He misses his home of Brithari and loathes the stench of humans, so when they catch the scent of their prey, he's eager to do his duty.
But what he finds is something that nobody has prepared him for. It's impossible. And yet it's happening.
And that is only the beginning, for a war is coming, a war in which the abomination he found - the abomination, and yet so much more - will play the key role.
I actually really like your title. I think it's quite unique and beautiful.
Cover:
I think your cover is very beautiful and fitting for your story. The text was also easy to read.
Blurb:
Your blurb is great. I think it gives sufficient detail about what the book is about, who its about, the conflict and such. I think a lot of readers would instantly be gripped into wanting to read your work. The only small thing I would mention is '3' to be written out as 'three' as generally numbers under 100 are better to be written out.
Plot/flow/pace:
I really liked the plot. I think the chapters flowed well and were easy to follow. The pacing as well was perfect.
Grammar and dialogue:
For a majority of what I read you had great grammar, there was just a few small issues I stumbled upon in regards to action vs dialogue tags. And then the use of ellipsis where a full stop would suffice too. Your dialogue was realistic so I don't have suggestions for that.
In regards to the ellipsis stuff i mentioned above, I'll show you a few examples:
The sentence where you say 'his lips turned upside down in a frown' can be ended with a full stop.
Another example which is also from your prologue is: "You don't understand!..." In this you can get rid of the ellipsis and keep the exclamation mark.
I also want to explain action vs dialogue tags and when to capital/not capital words. When a dialogue tag is present (said, warned, yelled, screamed, whispered, etc) the dialogue must have/end in a comma before the dialogue. When an action tag is present (the action of a character) the dialogue must end in a full stop.To help I will insert random examples of my own below!
Dialogue tags: "Hello," she greeted. "How are you?" she asked. "The keys are over there," he said.
Action tags: "Hello." She waved and smiled. "I hate this place!" He threw the glass cup and stormed out. "I love that dress!" She pointed to the navy piece hanging across the room.
Character Development:
I think you did well in this part. We could already see the main character feel 'left out' when her parents wouldnt tell her the big secret and how she went against her mothers wishes of leaving. I liked the hints of who she really is throughout as well. I think you did well as i said.
Descriptions, writing style and sentence structure:
Your descriptions were great and I felt immediately drawn into your world when reading. I could easily picture the scenes as I read. I quite enjoyed your writing style as well. Your sentence structure was great and I enjoyed the varying length of sentences. Nothing felt odd when I read either. There was a few small things I found while reading that aren't very major.
In your prologue there was a missing capital letter for one of the start of the paragraphs. This was the sentence 'the elves lived in the slums' the 't' for 'the' should be a capital letter since it is the start of a sentence!
In chapter one you have 18 as the number, it is better to write out the number as "eighteen" Numbers under 100 are generally better written out.
Overall:
Overall I really liked your work and felt it was great. I believe a lot of people would also enjoy your book. It was beautifully written and all the things I mentioned above can easily be edited and aren't that major!
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to review your book and good luck on your future writing endeavours!
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