Always Almost Alone

For The Damage

~I'm listening to Conan Grey. This is what you do to me, when I don't have any inspiration. I- yeah enjoy. Please stay safe my loves. Don't cry!

Jess

I woke up and stared up at the pretty face. I was excited at first, picturing pretty boy. Then the dark hair sunk into my brain, and the scars along his torso. I bit my lip, sucking air in between my teeth.

I did not just do that. I didn't. I can not have just done that. He blinks his pretty eyes open, smirking with that god damn smirk. My stomach flipped on itself, and I couldn't tell wether or not it was a good think.

"You're going to be sore, James." He grumbles in a husky voice. "That was even rough for me. I didn't know you liked me that much."

"What-"

The doorknob rattles. Both of us freeze, and shut our mouthes.

"Hey, Jess? Are you changing?" My entire face falls as I realize it's Connor. Shit.

"Y-yeah, just don't come in." I stutter. Nico flipped me over on my back, kissing my neck harshly.

He placed his lips on my ear. "You ready for round two?" He whispers softly, making me shiver. He goes back to kissing my neck, making small gasps come from my mouth.

"Jess...? Are you okay?" I freeze and cover my mouth when I realize Connor was still outside.

Nico just trails his teeth against my throat, coming back to my ear to speak again. "You better tell him you're going to skip school, then come with me to finish this. If not, I'm going to moan as loud as I can and yell at him that we're in the middle of fucking."

I glare. "I was going to do that anyway, ass."

"What? I didn't quite hear that." Connor says quietly from behind the door. "Are you okay? Honestly?

"I'm alright!" I laugh. "I just feel a little shitty. Can I stay home today too?"

"Whatever you need." He sighs. "I have to go to school now, bye Jess."

"Bye."

After a few moments, Nico turns to me. "Does my little Connie have a crush on you?"

"No," I scoff. "No fucking way."

"Well, let's not tell him about this little outing. It would probably not be the best for his health." He snickers. "But, I'm still horny as fuck. Let's go?"

"Whatever." I throw on a pair of sweat pants and the closest hoodie to me.

I am panicking. I can't stop it. I can't stop myself. I had broken every promise I had made to myself. It felt so good. It felt so good to not care. There was only two more months in school, and I probably wouldn't be able to graduate. I didn't care. I was so broken.

We snuck out of the window in the room. His black sports car is parked in the driveway, and he slides into the drivers side. I get into the passenger's seat. He starts to drive away. Apparently, he knew a club we could go to in the middle of the day.

"Hey, how are you doing?" He asks lazily, placing a hand on my leg. He lightly brushes my thigh until he reaches my crotch.

"You can't even wait for the club?"

He shrugs. "I haven't fucked anyone besides you for a week."

I roll my eyes. So I was a sex toy now? At least he wanted me. That was more than I could say for Ms. Taoug. She gave up on the first few days. "Okay, horny."

"Just let me hear you moan." He wrinkles his nose. "Or we can go park and I can deal with it then?"

He starts to press his fingers into the wheel. 

"James? You okay over there?"

He turns to look at me quickly. I wished he didn't. I took his hand off my leg, quickly saddened. He didn't want to hold my hand. He didn't want to let me hold his hand on my knee. I just wanted to be told I was enough.

"James?"

He pulls over the car. Shit. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

I nod, blinking away any tears. Why was I like this. "I'm fine, really."

"I know what will make you feel better." He unbuckles himself, and then me. 

He picks me up by my thighs, moving me to the back seat of the car. The windows were tinted back here. He lays me down, and I sit up on my knees. He places his knee between my legs, and leans in to kiss my neck.

"What's wrong?" He whispers lowly.

"I don't know." I say shakily. "I just don't know."

"Maybe I can help you with that?"

He places his hand on the inside of my leg, running it up and down the length of my thigh. He moves his lips to mine. His kisses were slow and full of passion. He licked my lip, making me open my mouth.

"I must say," he rakes his teeth across my neck. I shiver. "I am quite kinky. Good luck, James."

Whenever he said my name it reminded me of my dad. Good luck, James. Words he has very much said to me. Words he wants to press into my mind. Good luck.

I feel something tighten on my wrists, securing them over my head. I was now laying down. My hands were tied over my head, secured to the door of the car. He smiles down at my flustered face.

"I told you." He said, pressing his knee into my crotch. 

I bite my lip. Fuck. With him, I didn't have any time to overthink. I didn't have any time to hate myself. He lifts my hoodie up onto my arms, revealing my scared body. He runs his tongue from my collarbone to the v-line of my abs.

"You're so hot." He whispers, making me flush with praise. "So hot." 

I didn't have time to even think. No time for me. I was so full of him, him, him. My body was full of him, my mind was full of him. My thoughts were full of him. My hands, my mouth, everything. He was smothering me in himself.

"You match me." He unties my hands, laying down next to me. 

"W-what?" I was still panting.

He tiredly yawns. "We're both so damaged. Damaged to the point where we just need to stop ourselves from thinking."

Damaged. He liked me because I was also damaged. Why did that word come up so much? Damaged. Every time it would be damaged. Your mother was damaged. Your father was damaged. Your childhood was damaged. You were damaged. It's you. It's you.

I decided from that point on I would be damaged. Bree was trying to make me feel better about it. I hung out with her and Devyn yesterday, and she told me that I wasn't damaged. I just had a damaged life.

But I think that life has made me damaged. Being damaged and having a damaged life are different. You could not let the damage to your childhood bother you, or you could. I always let it get to me. I always let myself be damaged.

Maybe Bree wasn't right about everything. Maybe Nico was right. 

Or maybe Nico would get bored of me this afternoon and drop me in a random gas station, screwing me over.

I hated when I had time to think.

But I think.

And I think.

I think I want to go home.

~It's okay, I'm okay. I woke up at like two to write this. It's so hard to have any motivation except when it's three in the morning and you're drinking pure sugar and caffeine water with your dog. Anyway! I hope you guys enjoyed.

~Ciao!

~Elle <33