Always Almost Alone

Devyn, Thomas, Ms. Taoug, Blood

~The title will make sense in a little my loves.

Jess

Monday was the worst day of my miserable little life. I mean, why the fuck do I need to go to school? Ms. Taoug almost literally kicked me out of the house this morning. I was an hour late to school, and had to go straight to second period.

I sat away from Devyn and Cam, until surprisingly, Cam came over to sit next to me.

"Jess, tell me this," she starts. "Why did my best friend just give up on you and get with Thomas."

My heart stops. I never thought she'd go this far. Shit.

Devyn

I hated him. Jess didn't deserve me. I needed love. Anyone who loved me. I deserved it, I deserved to be loved. He could be a fucking faggot with Connor if he wanted to. As soon as I got to school, I started looking for him.

I stop by his locker and grasp his face in my hands. I kiss him harshly, pushing my body into his until he eventually started to take control. His hands were hot and stuck to my neck, and his body was too big for mine.

Thomas kissed me deeply until I had to go to class. We didn't talk. He just loved me, like he should. I ruined myself for Jess. I was so damaged, just like him. He didn't take me. He didn't choose me. After everything we've been through.

At lunch me and Thomas made out in the bathroom. We talked a little.

"Devyn, wear shorter skirts and more revealing shirts." His breath is hot and smelled like his  breakfast. It tickled my neck in the wrong way. "I like it when you show more skin."

The next day I wore a skirt that didn't cover my butt and a shirt that my tits were spilling out of. He slapped my ass, and shoved his hands down my skirt when we made out during lunch. My phone was buzzing so much because of the texts I was receiving from Cam. I decided to turn my phone off.

On the third day he brought a condom to lunch. He touched me and hurt me. My skirt ripped even further and I needed to use tape for it to even work as a skirt anymore. A bruise was forming on my eye, and I had bites all up and down my body.

On the fourth day he brought a knife. Told me if I wasn't perfect, he'd hurt me. I was okay with that. As long as he thought I was good enough. I messed up, hurting him when I choked. He took off my skirt and drew red lines with the knife over my hips. Marking me as his. 

Am I not good enough to be loved by anyone? Anyone who'll treat me without pain? Am I just so terrible that I must be hurt? Am I just so terrible that I must be put down? Damaged, broken, hurt to the point of where I couldn't save myself?

On the fifth day he brought his friends. On the fifth day they tore me apart, they hurt and broke me. His friends touched me hard, and tore at me. My clothes were unwearable by that point. Red lines and bites and love marks and bruises cover me. I stole my PE clothes from the locker rooms and spent the rest of the day crying in my own blood in the bathroom.

On the sixth day I knew I wasn't going to be okay. I knew I was too broken by them now. On the sixth day I didn't go to school. On the sixth day I found a pretty bridge that I liked. I wrote pretty cards on pretty blue paper with cursive purple letters. I threw my phone out my window when I got the death threats from Thomas. I snuck back into school after hours and stuck all three letters in their lockers. I found a bus and rode over to the pretty bridge. I watched the sun set and slept on the hard concrete of the sidewalk.

On the seventh day I jumped.

Jess

Ms. Taoug locked me in my room again. She made sure to take away my phone this time. She had found out I hadn't been eating, and had been buying pills for it with her money. I was getting better. After months of trying, I didn't throw up. And she decided to hate me for that.

But it was okay. She was keeping me home from school anyway. I think I was going to be okay. I had brought Pretty boy my mace, and he's been keeping his brother away. Devyn seemed to be over me, and got with Thomas. Bree was still completely oblivious of Cam's crush on her, but happy. Cam was lovesick, and a bit worried for Devyn.

I could care less about Devyn right now. She had kicked me out of her house for rejecting her. She was being overdramatic. I had dealt with so much worse. She'd get over it. She'd dump Thomas, and live her life.

Ms. Taoug unlocked my door in the middle of the day, and allowed me to get food. She drew another big X over my chest with a knife, and reopened the old wound. I promised I wouldn't do it again, and told her I was getting better. Life was getting better. As soon as I graduated, I'd be out of her hair.

Everything was okay. I was safe. It was okay.

The next day I arrive at school feeling good for the first time. I drove to school. Connor didn't have any new bruises, and everything was okay. It was perfectly okay. I bump into Cam and her eyes were big and she stared at me with an open mouth.

"Cam, what's wrong?" I tilt my head in confusion. What had happened?

"Devyn wasn't at school yesterday." Cam blinks harshly. "I don't know where she is. I went to her house and she wasn't there."

My breath stops. I hold it until my lungs burn. Why hadn't she been there. Why hadn't she came to school. She had to be fine. She was okay. She had gone camping and forgotten a charger, or maybe she was still upset and not responding to us. She'd be right at her locker when we passed it, glaring at us with her short skirt showing her ass to everyone behind her.

I opened my locker and a blue paper fell out. I bent over to pick it up, confused. The card had swirling purple letters that spelled out my name on the front. I knew that handwriting from anywhere. She'd always sign my permission forms when me and my mom were in a fight.

I slammed my locker closed, running to find hers. She'd be there glaring. It wasn't from her. It was an apology letter. She'd be there. She HAD to be there. I turn the last corner and stare at her bare locker. Her locker, which lacked her in front of it.

She wasn't there.

I ripped open the letter, falling to my knees.

Dear J,

I know you don't want to hear this, but I've always loved you. Even if you're gay. Even if you hate me. From Texas when you were always at my house. We would always plan to run away together. To go to a better place, where the food didn't taste like shit and we could learn freely.

We wouldn't be scared. We wouldn't be broken. You wouldn't have to fear every time your dad was brought up. The place of clouds and doors painted bright green, and home. The place you've always told me about.

Well, I'm going there. I want to see it. I want to run away from the abusive people and the pain and the knifes and the bruises and the broken and the damaged and the hurt. I want to run away. I want to leave.

By the time you're reading this I'm going to have jumped. Don't miss me. 

Think of the clouds.

I'll miss you my love. Just know that I always loved you.

Sincerely, Dev

A tear slipped down my cheek. Everything was okay. Why do the good things never last? We were okay. She had a boyfriend, and Bree was flirting back with Cam. Connor was getting better. I was getting better.

Why can nothing ever just stay okay?

~Okay yeah, that took forever. I hope it's not to uncoordinated. Love you, stay safe.

~Ciao!

~Elle <33