The Asshole App (Expanded Version) ✅ Wattys2023

𝖤𝗉𝗂𝗅𝗈𝗀𝗎𝖾

He who is filled with love is filled with God himself -St. Augustine

"Evie, Ray, I have something to show you." A middle-aged shelter resident led them to the kitchen's pantry where BIG DOG was reared up on his hind legs, reaching for a large can of peaches on the top shelf.

"That's amazing." Ray watched as BIG DOG carefully placed the peaches on his back. "Who reprogrammed him?"

"I did," the muscular, ebony man said, shyly. Charlie had not uttered more than ten words to people he did not know in the five years he'd been at the shelter. He had not trusted strangers. Now he was excited to tell anyone who would listen about BIG DOG's positive attributes. "He's just misunderstood." He patted the dog's metal head. "Joe's good with hardware. He fixed Mr. Bumble's tongue."

"You and Joe should come over to CENTIEN. We could use your talent." Ray smiled as Mr. Bumble trotted out of the room, perfectly balancing the canned peaches.

Charlie beamed. "That sounds great, Mr. Sinclair. I'll tell Joe."

"What'd I tell you about poaching my employees, Sinclair?" Deedee put her hands on her hips in mock anger, a wide grin on her face.

"Did you really need to fix his tongue?" Evie asked, worriedly.

Charlie laughed. "He needs his claw tongue."

"Why'd you call him Mr. Bumble?" Deedee drew her eyebrows together, perplexed.

"Once I show you his trick, you'll see." Evelyn, Deedee, and Raymond followed him and Mr. Bumble out of the kitchen and into the shelter's community dining room. In the corner, a large Christmas tree was being decorated by Prince and the residents."

"Watch this." Charlie picked up a box of glass ornaments. BIG DOG took a moment to peruse the round globes. With exquisite delicacy, he picked the gaudiest one in the box. Grasping the globe, the claw tongue whirred as it snaked out to fasten the ornament on the uppermost branches. Charlie smiled like a proud father. "He really likes the color red."

"It's official —he's putting the star on top." Deedee exclaimed.

Evelyn embraced her best friend. "Dee, I asked Ray if he could help with the shelter." She handed DeeDee a building title for the sleazy, next door topless bar. This property is now officially part of the third street men's shelter. "We're doing a full gut and rehab on the place. There'll be funding and training to help homeless people transition back into society."

Deedee was speechless for a moment and then broke into tears. Alister gave a loud woof of approval.

Raymond came over and stood by Evelyn. "I know you were upset when your Tesla was blown up." He handed her a tiny package wrapped in gold foil.

Ripping open the paper, she cried, "Oh my lucky stars." Holding the keys to her new lemonade-colored Tesla, she gave Raymond a bear hug that nearly killed him. His ringing phone saved him from Deedee's deadly embrace.

"Feliz Navidad." Vincent shouted. He sat next to Lear and his wife in a tropical setting, tan as a coconut. "I called to wish you all a Merry Christmas. Ray, thanks for the security consulting job." He took a large sip of his pina colada. Next to him Sonia rubbed suntan lotion onto his shoulders. One of Lear's many wild children ran by and knocked the phone out of his hand and broke the satellite connection.

Evelyn smiled radiantly. "Now that we've saved the shelter and you're paying the interns, I want to ask you something, Ray. Why'd you keep calling me an Oompa Loompa?" Prince, who had just enrolled in a vegan culinary school, hovered in the background and listened to their conversation.

Raymond looked sheepish and happy at the same time. "When I was a kid, I loved Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I mean, I really loved that movie. I wanted to be Willy Wonka and have hundreds of adoring Oompa Loompas around me. Workers who worshiped me." He grew serious. "You were never an Oompa Loompa, Evie. I was. Before I met you, I felt so hollow and empty inside. I was a Grinch, and the interns hated me. You're my Willy Wonka, my hero. You should be running CENTIEN."

Reaching up on her toes, she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. "I'll be your Oompa-Loompa, Mr. Grinch."

Prince held a branch of mistletoe over their heads as they kissed and happily sighed. "Soon there'll be a ton of little Oompa-Loompas running around underfoot."

Raymond turned to Evelyn. "Now I have something to show you, Mrs. Sinclair."

"What?" She rubbed his cheek with hers and inhaled his masculine scent.

"Come with me."

—————

They drove back to CENTIEN and used the repaired glass elevator to access the rooftop solarium.

"Level three," Raymond announced. A door materialized next to an ancient tree and he stepped through it. Evelyn, who hadn't known a level three existed, followed in Raymond's footsteps. Inside the secret workspace, she paused. The emerald rain forest was replaced by an endless corridor of spotless glass rooms and gleaming floors.

She touched the glass walls as they entered the mysterious room. They felt solid and warm to the touch. The frequency the transparent room emitted enveloped her with a strong sense of peace and tranquility. Several small hobbit-like creatures appeared and bowed. The virtual workers were dressed in fitted white jumpsuits and skullcaps with ear covering flaps. If she had to describe their features, she would have used the word, angelic. A few worked with lasers and wore space age dark goggles. Above their heads the schematic of what they were working on was displayed in a 3D multicolored holograph. A constant flow of two-way data flowed between each worker and the ceiling.

"What are they?"

Raymond look at the rain forest. They're self-replicating sentient AI. They're learning how to devise technology that's works in harmony with the planet.

Evelyn and Raymond left Level Three and returned to the jungle forest where Lori was upgrading THEMIS's operating system. She was now head of CENTIEN's Research and Development department. When they entered her section of the rooftop workspace, a familiar face met them.

"Buffy, what are you doing here?"

The buxom blond laughed. "I work here." A Howler monkey leapt onto her shoulders. The reddish simian grabbed her hair and searched her pockets for treats. "Lori hired me to work with the living creatures in the solarium."

Lori sauntered over and snaked her arm around Buffy's waist. She turned and kissed the taller woman. "She has quite a an exotic green thumb and the Howler males love to be dominated. I'm teaching her coding to care for the bio dome plant life."

Themis emerged from the leafy fronds and rushed over to Sinclair. She laid her head on his shoulder. He stroked her metallic head. "I'm glad to see you too, girl."

The man sized leaves shuddered and a huge scarlet snake with green eyes slithered next to THEMIS. "This is TITAN," Lori said.

"You built her a mate?" Raymond examined the titanium cyborg.

Lori smirked "Of course I did. TITAN is going to run your new facility in rain forest preservation. I'm looking at building something really powerful, something that will outlast all of us." Her smile widened. "Buffy and I will be moving to the Amazon jungle at the end of the month."

The blonde intern gave Evelyn a knowing smile as she left with Lori. "Nice work, Simmons."

She winked at Raymond. "Have fun you two."

Sinclair turned to Evelyn and embraced her. She hugged her former boss and released a contented sigh. "You destroyed the ICARUS software like you promised. Right?"

"Consider it done." Sinclair smiled as he uncrossed his fingers behind his back. He held her in a warm embrace.

"Close your eyes," he whispered. A 3D hologram enveloped them and Evelyn found herself  with powerful wings and claws instead of hands. The simulation began and they were soaring above the treetops, circling each other in their avian avatars.

"I love you, Evie." Raymond murmured.

"I love you, too Ray." Their rapturous cries echoed through the solarium as they made love.