The Asshole App (Expanded Version) ✅ Wattys2023

𝟦𝟦 𝖡𝗂𝗀 𝖣𝗈𝗀

"What the hell is that thing?" Evelyn scrambled backwards until her back was up against a bank of heavy filing cabinets. Never taking her eyes off the nightmarish hound, she scanned the room in vain for an escape route.

"Your tax dollars at work." Vincent yelled.

"It won't hurt you as long as you don't leave the room," Lear said shakily. "Or threaten it. Whatever you do, don't shoot it in the head."

An image formed in the back of Vincent's mind. Streamers of blood, torn and shredded bodies.

Evelyn's stomach tightened. "Are you sure that it—."

"Fuck that. I'm not ending up as anybody's sex slave." He raised his Glock and shot six rounds at the dog's mechanical skull.

The DARPA canine opened its jaws. Making hollow clunking noises, it effortlessly snapped bullets in midair. It calibrated, whirring like an ATM machine as its muzzle telescoped out in a camera lens fashion and shot Vince's bullets back at him.

"Sonofabitch!" He yelled, ducking. "Evie, don't waste your ammo —this thing eats bullets."

"It eats security guards too," Lear yelled.

The hellhound raised its hind leg and shot bullets from its crotch area, knocking a book titled The Art of Woo from a shelf above Lear's head. Falling to the ground, he crawled on all fours behind a credenza.

"That's a new self-defense feature." Raymond yelled into their headsets.

"Do something, before it eats us." Evelyn screamed. "It's Jaws armed with a howitzer."

"This fucker could take down the Pentagon all on its own." Vince shouted.

"That's DARPA's BIG DOG model. There should be an emergency kill switch underneath it." Satoshi buzzed into their headsets.

Evelyn threw a heavy duty stapler at the dog to draw it away from her partner, then scrambled on top of a filing cabinet. The DARPA assassin dog bounded over to her and started climbing the metal drawers. She removed her wool coat and threw it over the metal, snapping jaws. Disorientated, the creature threw its steel head side to side, trying to dislodge the heavy fabric. "Now what?" She yelled.

"Get away from her, Cujo!" Running up to them, Vincent round-house kicked the dog in its side, breaking his foot in the process. Evelyn jumped down as the hydraulic dog fell sideways and pulled the cabinet on top of itself. Vincent howled, cradling his injured foot as she crawled over to check the dog's underbelly.

A long serpentine tongue shot out of the dog's mouth and snatched the chef's gun away from his hand. There was a grinding screech as BIG DOG chewed the Glock to pieces, followed by a hydraulic whine as the animatronic dog tried to free itself from the cabinet, pumping its legs like a trash compactor. Frantically whipping its head like a pinned lizard, it snapped steel jaws at Evelyn to prevent her from reaching the emergency kill switch lever.

"Distract it, Vince. I can't reach the power handle."

Knowing it was either Evelyn's life or his, the former navy seal painfully rolled over and pulled down his drawers, mooning the electronic canine. "How'd you like to take a bite of that, pooch?" Vince taunted the crazed machine, wiggling his butt cheeks.

Enraged, BIG DOG gnashed razor-sharp teeth, preparing to eject his tongue through Vincent's anus. Across the room, Lear shut his eyes, unwilling to watch the fatal colonoscopy. "Jeezus Evie, hurry!"

Inside the control room, Satoshi and Raymond covered their mouths with their hands, horrified.