"Dear Hiatus..." (Sequel to A Living Hell) // Fall Out Boy

In The Hopes (Varying POVs)

(Joe's POV)

I have to say, I'm more than thrilled Courtney is letting us play together, but I don't even know if I can. I'm in too much pain, physically and emotionally. I don't know if I'll even be able to pick my guitar up, let alone play it for however long we're allowed.

I'm such a fucking idiot for doing all the shit I've done to myself. I'm hurting everyone around me, not just myself. I can see it in Andy's eyes; he's pleading with me, day after day, to just fucking stop what I'm doing and have hope that we'll get out of here. I know we will - someday - but just being around the woman that took so much away from me, it just breaks me.

I can't handle it anymore.

Looking into those same eyes that ordered my wife to be killed, I can't fucking handle it. Those eyes willingly stared down a servant, telling him to shoot Marie, telling him to kill an innocent person. She's fucking insane. She's fucking capable of so much, and that's what fucking kills me. In an instant, she could kill any of us, if she really wanted to. We wouldn't be able to stop her. Not me, not Andy, not Pete or Patrick, and definitely not all four of us combined. She's got ways, she's got methods, she's got the knowledge - because she's done this all before.

"Joe! Come on," I heard Andy say as he ran back to me, taking my hand and walking me down to a larger room.

I can't even bring myself to look at him anymore. I can't handle seeing all the pain in his eyes, all the pain I've caused. It's not fair to him, but I don't seem to be stopping. I'm just making it worse, day after day. He tries to hide it, but he can't. I can see right through him. I know him more than anyone, more than his own parents, probably. Seeing him hurt hurts me even more. But, at the end of the day, it's just this big, continuous cycle I can't fucking escape from; I hurt myself, I hurt Andy, I feel bad, then I hurt myself again.

It's like this roller coaster I can't get off of, this roller coaster that's never ending. It'll never stop, just like the pain I've caused Andy will never stop. I just want to get off this ride, I want it to stop. I want to walk away from it all, escape it any possible way I can.

But I can't.

It follows me wherever I go, it's always there, shadowing right behind me. It hangs over me while I sleep, it watches me while I eat. I can't escape it, I can't. It's constantly there, reminding me of what I've done, what I will do. It's like this constant gray cloud that's over my head, just waiting to pour down rain on me, waiting to ruin my day even more.

The cloud, I just want it to go away, but it won't. It'll be there until the day I die, which might not be far away. Who knows? I might not wake up tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. I wouldn't mind. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to, let alone can I, face Courtney or Andy, or even Pete and Patrick. It brings me physical pain, just seeing them holding on as well as they are, while I'm here holding onto the last bit of life I have left.

"Hey, you're okay, come on," Andy said again, pulling me into the bigger room, where Pete and Patrick already were, tuning their instruments a little more.

I can do this, right?

(Andy's POV)

As I helped Joe into the room Courtney allowed us all in, I can't help but to notice he's weaker. He's getting weaker and weaker every day. It fucking kills me, especially knowing I can't do shit about it. Even if I were to tell Courtney, I know she wouldn't do anything about it, so that's why I haven't bothered.

I'm so worried about him.

He's not going to pull through this, I know it. He can't handle this anymore. He just can't. It's just way too much for him. It was all too much for him from the beginning. From day one, he shut down, he gave up. He didn't want to fight Courtney anymore. He couldn't go along with her and her plans anymore. From day one, Courtney had already broken him, she already had him wrapped around her little fucking finger.