Shoot your shot

James

It's been two weeks since I last properly spoke to Emma. Two weeks since that stupid picture was taken and ruined everything.

It was not how it looked in the slightest. I barely even remember the girl . I know I spent my evening gushing to anyone that would listen how in love I was with Emma.

I know this is unchartered territory for both of us and she is just protecting herself but fuck that. I am not letting her slip away from me over something like this.

I gave Emma some space but this weekend I am coming back home and I am going to make her hear me out and prove to her just how much we can make it work. The thought of not being able to kiss those perfect lips ever again kills me. Not hearing her infectious laughter and listening to her talk about nothing but make it sound so interesting. I refuse to walk away.

***

I've just pulled up to my home- or - my parents house and I feel excited to be back. I guess I took the small things for granted like always having somebody to talk to, always having food in the fridge and always having freshly washed clothes.

My mum has gone all out for my return. She has cooked all my favourite foods- even if they aren't from the same cuisine. We have some vegetable spring rolls and fajitas wraps. Some pizza and mac and cheese. It makes me love her even more.

Even my dad has managed to crack a smile with me since I signed pro. He slapped me on the back and told me how proud he is. I choose to let it go because right now the last thing I need is a petty argument with him.

My stomach is full and I stand up to leave making my excuses to my mum. I know she knows exactly where I am going and why and I think a small part of her is proud. I can see a knowing look in her eyes , accompanied by a smug smirk.  " Stay safe" my mum says as I exit and I feel like there is a double meaning in there somewhere.

I jump in my Mercedes and head straight to Emma's. I hope so badly that she is home and that she will let me in the house. I decided a surprise visit was my best approach. I pull up and look at her house from across the road. It looks so ordinary and yet the most extraordinary girl lives inside it and I couldn't sit a second longer.

As I approach the front door and knock I can feel the nerves erupting in my stomach. I start to question whether I should just walk away and let her have an uncomplicated life away from me. Then the door opens and all those thoughts vanish in an instant as she stands before me. More beautiful than I remembered.

'What are you doing here J?" She looks a mixture between angry, sad and happy to see me.

" Coming to get my girl . You going to let me in? " I ask- anxious that the opportunity for her to close the door on my face is too easily accessible.

Emma sighs then opens the door wider. I slip in past her but can't help but deeply inhale her pomegranate scent as I pass. I literally want to grab her and hold her and never let go. Instead I stride towards the kitchen as confident as I can muster.

I hear Emma trail behind me and I can feel her gaze burning on me.

" Emma-I'm sorry but you know it isn't what it looks like?"
Emma's lips pull together which she does when she is thinking what to say. I wait patiently for her to speak.
" I know it's not. I know you didn't cheat"
I exhale and relax slightly
" but ... it made me realise that this will be my life now. Seeing you pictured with women throwing themselves at you. This won't be the last time. It won't just be pictures. There will be rumours too. I can't protect my heart from that pain James. I know it'll eat at me. I wished so badly that I could be that confident girl who knows that you would never stray but look at you. You're so handsome it's not even normal. You're funny. Talented. Kind.  Then there's me....we're not meant for each other. You and I have different paths. I've enjoyed what we had so much but it's better this way".

My heart sinks at her words. It's shit she feels like that but this isn't fair. " so my feelings don't matter? Just because you think girls may throw themselves at me makes me not worth it? How about how I feel knowing my stunning girlfriend is having men comment how fit she is on her modelling posts. How about knowing that my clever girlfriend is going places and will I one day be too boring for her? Too dumb? Emma I have these thoughts too but do you know what? I don't care."
I don't know where my outburst has come from but I don't care. I am not going to let her fear or something possibly happening stand in the way.

Emma's big brown eyes are glistening with tears and I can't help myself as I approach her and use the pad of my thumb to wipe a tear that's fallen down her cheek.

" Emma - I will never hurt you intentionally. You are it for me and I really can't imagine my future without you. Please- give me a chance. I will never make you feel insecure baby. I will always make you feel so special".

We stare at each other for a beat and then her soft lips crash into mine. Her scent, feel, soft skin under my fingertips made me feel so electrified. I never want to let her go.

***

We spend the next night catching up on lost time. I only have one day before I have to head back to Brighton but I vow to make every single second count.

Exam season is approaching for Emma and I can see all of her books scattered across her desk. I also notice a university brochure for an English literature course for a university in London.

" You know where you want to go yet?" I ask as I run my hands up and down her arms, her smooth silky skin relaxing me.
" Not sure. Originally I wanted to go up north, now your in my life I will probably stay more local. The university's in London have good connections with publishing houses so that works for me".

I kiss her head and continue stroking her skin. She makes me so proud.
" you know you shouldn't not go to the university you want just because of me. I followed my dreams and you need to follow yours Em." She squeezes my leg in a grateful gesture and even though the words I've said are true I absolutely pray that she stays more local. The thought of seeing her even less then I do now doesn't bare thinking about but it's not my choice to make.

"I appreciate the sentiment James but I don't want the same things I used to now that I have you. Yes- I still want a great career in publishing but I don't want to go to the most fun party town. I want to support you along the way".

The grin plastered on my face may well stay forever.