Shoot your shot

Emma

Exam season is in full flow.

Typically James has ended his season- and ended it on a high. Brighton moved up the table and he had a steady stream of successful games, earning himself plenty of field time and air time.

James has opted to stay in Brighton, giving me time to focus on my exams and when they are over I'm going to spend the summer with him.

I only have two exams to go and knowing in 4 days time I will be reunited again makes the constant revision almost bearable.

"Knock knock" comes my mums voice from the hallway. I laugh at the fact she doesn't just actually knock but I tell her to come inside.

I hardly look up but I feel the bed sink slightly indicting she is sitting next to me. I look up and she smiles at me but I can sense she needs to tell me something.

"Everything Ok?" I ask putting my pen down and giving her my full attention.
" Not really darling girl. Unfortunately Harry didn't get into the school he needed. His EHCP was messed up meaning he won't get the support he needs. After endless calls with the council I've had no luck. Anyway that's not the worst part- your Auntie Alice, in Wales? Well, she is Head of a fantastic college for children with additional needs and she has offered us a space. I know it's not great timing with you going off to university but ... I may need to sell up and move. I have to think of your brother too".

The news has come as such a shock and a blow I sit there still for a few moments trying to process my feelings. My plan was to always move to London and rent a room but this has definitely cemented that decision. Knowing my mum and brother won't be a 20 minute train ride away also terrifies me but I can't be selfish right now. Harry needs this. I need to support my mum.

" It's Ok mum. I feel sad that you have to uproot but I think it's the right choice."

My mum lets out a breath- obviously glad she has my support. We talk some more about the finer details and I feel a sense of anxiety that everything is changing so quickly.

***

It is the night before my final exam. I have decided I have revised enough and opt for an early night. My bags are packed and ready to spend my Summer in Brighton. To say I am buzzing is an understatement.

I FaceTime James but he doesn't answer. He did tell me he was out tonight with some of the football boys so I understand. It doesn't stop the disappointment but I'm a big girl and its OK. I decide to send him a message instead
" just wanted to say good night as I am having an early night. I can't wait to see you tomorrow"

I set my alarm and then drift off to sleep.

**

I woke up late. I snoozed my alarm which is so unlike me and now I am frantically trying to get ready and leave on time. I haven't even had time to check my phone before I go into the exam. I am about to turn it off and put it into my bag when I glance the caption of a message from James .
" I am so sorry Em. I fucked it".
My heart sinks and I go to open the string of texts but I am stopped instantly by a teacher. " Emma- unless a family member has died- turn it off and get seated please". I nod and follow instructions but inside I am a wreck.

My mind goes from it being that he messed up his dates and now can't see me, to the fact he cheated. Or even just he forgot about me and is too hungover. I cling on to the least upsetting and will myself to make it through this final exam. I so wished I hadn't seen that message.

Time moves incredibly slowly. At one point I'm sure I saw the second hand move backwards. I can't focus and even though I can give enough to pass this exam- I won't get the grades I want or deserve. I think about making an excuse and going to check my phone but the thought of getting caught and failing puts the idea to bed.

It's announced that the exam has come to an end and I couldn't be more glad. Once we're excused I rush out of the hall and straight to my phone. I don't even walk outside- I stand in the middle of the corridor staring at the messages.

I scroll back a few messages until I see it..

" I slept with her. It was the biggest mistake of my life."

I don't even read anymore. My heart sinks and a little voice in the back of my head sings " I told you so".

I don't even know how I made it home. My body went in to autopilot and walked me back to the house while I am in a trance.

I haven't even shed a tear yet and part of me feels embarrassed to. What did I even expect?

The part I am angry about right now is they James decided to tell me over text just before my exam, I don't understand his reasons for that. Does he really not care about me?

I realise I have a string of missed calls from him and voicemails. I can't bring myself to listen to his excuses so I block his number.

My house is silent as mum is at work and Harry is still at school. I glance down at my bags that I piled neatly by the door. I laugh at how much effort I put into each outfit. All those FaceTimes with Lauren over which dress would be cute for dinner down the lanes at one of the fancier restaurants.

As if she sensed me thinking about her Lauren's name flashes on the screen. I know my best friend will be there to comfort me but I can't find it in me to answer her call. I ignore it and throw my phone on to my bed.

My life has been turned upside down in a matter of days. My mum and brother are planning to move during the summer, I won't have the comfort of my family close by. I don't have the comfort of James. I'll be alone- trying to navigate my life through uni, part time work and living alone. The thought makes me want to cry but I'm done with being pathetic. I've let myself down by letting James in so much. I knew it would end in tears. I ignored every single red flag.

I grab my laptop and start searching for rooms to rent in west London. I'm going to focus on my goals. I have no room for anything else. James will eventually be a distant memory.