• warmth •

302 9 16

by ppowapowa

by ppowapowa

{pov: toya}
'tw: suicidal thoughts'

I was worried about Akito, to say the least. First we got into another big fight and then I realised that I might have been in the wrong. I was so stupid for saying what I said. Did he feel like this the first time we fought? I feel a sickening feeling in my stomach. It was all my fault.
I was standing outside his door. I knew where his house was because he gave me his address 'in case of emergency', and I'm pretty sure now qualified as an emergency. Cold wind made it's way through my hair as I knocked the door again. I heard scuffling around in the house, and I was tempted to break the door down or something to get in. The skies were gray, and I noticed that a small drop of water landed on my head. I sighed.
"Akito, let me in. I care about you a lot. I-I don't know if that's enough though..." I sighed. I wanted to cry, but I had to stay strong. Suddenly, I noticed the doorknob moving slightly but shakily. I exhaled. He was letting me in.
As slowly as the doorknob turned, the door opened, and what I saw looked more like a shell than Akito.
His eyes were baggy and red, but there was no tears coming from his eyes or wet streaks where they would have been. His hair was all messed up and slightly dirty as it didn't seem the bright orange it was before. And his manner seemed very tired. He looked like he'd been through hell.
"What do you want?" He asked, coldly, making me realise I didn't say anything first. "Akito... Are you okay?" I said, trying to keep the topic light-ish. Or as light as I could keep it. "Of course I'm not, idiot. You left me alone when I needed you the most. I don't think I can ever trust anyone again." His words were like a knife to the heart. I'd never heard him speak this sadly, even when we were fighting. "I'm sorry, Akito." I sighed, looking down at my feet.
"Can I come in?" I murmured, looking into his tired, bloodshot eyes. He sighed, looking away from me and then shook his head. "No. I'm not letting you in after what you did to me." He said. This seemed relatively serious and I wondered how badly I'd hurt him. "Well, can we at least talk?" I said, with a slight smile. "I want to find out why you're so angry at me." Then, I remembered what An said to me at Weekend Garage. 'If he does have a crush on you, which I don't doubt, you need to butter him up. Flirt with him.' I denied the logic of that at first, but I decided there was no better option, and in my mind prayed to whatever divine spirits existed.
"Why would you waste your time on me?" He said, looking away from me again. Akito clearly felt guilt about something. But what did he feel it about... "Because I care about you more than anyone else on this planet, dummy. You're the only Akito, and my favourite Akito." Ew. That felt disgusting to say, but if it helped him feel better... I noticed his cheeks go a bit red, and stopped myself from smirking.
"Here. Let's sit in the garden." I said, and took his hand. He was kinda like one of those little carts that you pull along, wandering behind you and completely red. Thank goodness An's tactics were working.
We sat behind a bush out the front of his house, the shrub barely concealing the tops of our bodies. I didn't mind though. "So. Tell me. If you don't feel comfortable, that's okay." I said, a slight reassuring smile on my face. I hoped this was working. Akito kept looking away from me, and I remarked, "You look like an abandoned kitten. Surely something is wrong." He sighed. "An's probably told you this... But Ena's dead..." He said, still averting any sort of eye contact. "Is she? An only told me something happened to her..." I sighed. "Akito, I'm really sorry for your loss. Ena seemed like a great sister." I wondered if I should hug him, but we just held hands and he'd probably suspect something was off. "...I guess." Akito said. He rested his head on his hand, looking at the street. "And I just... I just don't feel like anyone cares about me anymore." I laughed slightly. "You keep saying like that, and I keep saying that I care about you." He looks at me for a bit, and says, "Well, if you're gonna say that, you're a liar." I crossed my arms. "I'm being serious." I nodded. "I will always care about you. You know I don't like making jokes like that, and I am really bad at lying." He paused, and I heard a faint chuckle come from his mouth. "And I feel selfish. Because I feel like I'm blaming all this on you." I nodded. "It's okay. That's your recovery mechanism. I understand." Then I remembered about his father. "Is your father coming around?" He looked at me again, straight in the eyes with his piercing sad gaze. "Not today. He's on a business trip for a week." I nod. "All the more excuse for me to stay around tonight. How's he doing?"
Akito sighed. "He didn't let me mourn Ena's death. I knew he didn't like her, but not that much..." I practically gasp. In my mind's eye, I saw my father saying that to me. It would hurt so badly. And being a stubborn person like Akito and not wanting to say anything... That must have been horrible. "I'm sorry... Does she have a grave?" My friend shook his head. "No... We cremated her." I sighed, placing my head in my hands. "Well... What's one of your favourite memories with her?"
Akito sighed and stared at me sadly. At least he was making eye contact? "When I was about 7, me and her want to a corn maze. I was so excited, and my father had explicitly told us to be careful not to get lost. And, well, I ended up getting lost, and I was so scared because I was in that tall corn by myself. Then, Ena heard my crying and ran all the way through the corn to get me." He said, placing a hand on his cheek and resting his elbow on his leg, so his back was curved. "That seems nice. She seems like a great sister." I was still practically shell shocked from the news of Ena's death. Her and Akito would fight a lot, and the few times I'd came around to Akito's house she was in her bedroom.
"I found art on her computer. Looked like she'd been tracing or something from this popular band, Nightcord. She wouldn't have been in it though." He said, sure of himself. I nodded. "She was a good artist, wasn't she? Do you have any of that art DNA in you, since your father and sister are artists?" I said, trying to change the subject. He seemed relatively comfortable to rely on talking to me as a venting mechanism. Well, I was his partner, so I decided that was normal.
He nodded. "I guess..." I looked at him inquisitively. "I've never seen you draw. Why's that?" Akito let out a large sigh and admitted, "I guess I wanted to be my own person. Plus, I saw how harshly my dad critiqued Ena's art. That's why I pursued soccer, then music. And... I guess I don't regret that." I nodded. "Why? You could have been an artist easily."
He looked at me, slightly red in the face, and said in a low murmur, "Because I met you." I smiled softly. "That's so sweet, Akito. I'm so glad I met you too." He was looking away. I never realised he had a blushing problem until now, because his cheeks were a nice shade of pink. I guess I'd never seen him blush.
"Should we go inside? Are you hungry? I can make you something." He shook his head. "We can go inside, but I don't want to eat." I nodded. He looked quite pale though. "No offense, but you look a bit pale... Maybe you should eat." He shrugged his shoulders. "Not hungry."
I nodded, standing up and brushing the loose pieces of grass off my pants. "You have any medicine? I can grab some." He shook his head. "I've tried a few types, but none worked out." I frowned.
"Maybe you should get some rest. It'll be good for you." Akito stayed silent, and I wondered if I had said anything wrong. I sighed, putting my hands on my hips. "Let's get going." I said, walking up to his porch. Akito numbly followed after me and I realized how sick he actually looked. It was concerning.
"By the way, why were you so angry at me before?" I asked. Akito sighed, taking his school shoes off. "I guess I was still emotional about Ena." He sighed. I nodded. "You can use me as a venting mechanism any time, by the way." I grabbed out my phone and noticed there was a text from An. 'IS AKITO OKAY' She'd texted me about 10 minutes ago. 'Yeah, thankfully he's fine :D He just looks a bit sick and tired, but I'll take care of him.' I put down the phone and accidentally looked straight into Akito's green eyes, looking straight at me back.
"What are you staring at me for?" Akito flushed slightly, and went to putting his shoes away. "Nothing." He murmured. I sighed. "You said you were going to quit street singing, and not come back to school, and everything. Why?" I asked. I decided now was the time to ask him that. He sighed. "I dunno. I just thought I wanted to fade away." I sighed, looking him point blank in the eyes. "What do you mean by, 'fade away'? I feel like asking you now since our conversation is already kinda... vulnerable." I said softly, searching for the right words.
He stayed silent for a bit. Then, he said, "I want to not be alive." He said. If this was normal Akito saying something like this I'd have taken it as a joke, but he seemed serious. Without saying anything, I shuffled over to him and slowly raised my arms up, over his shoulders, into a hug. I felt him bury his face in my shoulder. It was kind of a bittersweet moment, because I knew how he felt and knew none of us were keeping secrets from eachother, but he also... He also was suicidal. I couldn't come to terms with it in my head. I felt his arms clasp my back as well, and I smiled softly. He wasn't a bad hugger.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, Akito." I said, trying not to cry. He seemed like he was trying not to cry himself.
A murmur of "It's okay." came out of his mouth, but it seemed like it was choked by tears. I nodded, whispering, "You know you can cry if you want." I said, feeling my eyes well up with tears. And, I guess he did just that. Sobs wracked his body, and his tears soaked into my jumper, but I didn't care. I wondered if I should pat his head or something. Just hugging him didn't seem like enough, and I wasn't going to kiss him.
But, for now, I was glad as we stood in the corridor, that this was a moment the both of us shared by ourselves. Even though the moment was quite severe, it felt safe, like nothing was going to hurt us anymore. I felt comfortable in Akito's arms. I hoped he felt the same way about mine. Just the two of us, alone.

‹Word count: 2011›
(Author's note: eat up my children)