• our fading futures • akitoya • REWRITE BEGINNING SOON

• finally, tears •

{Pov: Akito}

{Tws: swearing, suicidal thoughts}

He looked sad. I knew he did, because when he looked at me before starting to raise his voice slightly, clearly not willing to argue, he'd had these eyes with slight tears welling up in them. It affected me, and I didn't know why. It made me want to hug him and run my fingers through his hair and tell him it'd all be okay.
...I should stop thinking about him. It'd become an addiction recently, and I didn't know if I hated him for it or if the butterflies that were appearing in my stomach were a symbol of my feelings for him flying away. If there were butterflies, I'd squash them all.
School had flown by, and I walk down from the locker room me and him shared, the long way. Suddenly, a voice stops me in my tracks.
"Akito!" An says, with a worried but also grumpy tone. I try to walk faster, but she catches up to me. "What the hell did you say to Toya?" She says, her voice full of venom. "You made him cry!" It felt like we were two cats in a fight, hackles raised. She eyes me up and down, and sighs. "You really are on the wrong side of everything, huh?" I sigh. "Shut up, An." I grumble, my walking to my house increasing as I felt a spear of guilt enter my stomach. I made him cry. "Akito, what the hell is wrong with you, anyway? You and Toya were best buddies, like a month ago!" I spin around to defend myself. "An, he did things he shouldn't have done! It's not my fault." I say with a frown. "Like what?" An says, putting a hand snarkily on her hip. "Like ghosting me, hanging out with people I hate... He's wronged me so many times! I should've moved on by now." I hiss. "Akito, Toya has a longer friendship with Tsukasa than you. He told me they were childhood friends." An says. "So? Why don't I get hugs, or roses, or whatever the hell you were giving him when you came back? Cause he's your special boy! An, nobody's ever cared for me. So shut the fuck up with your perfect family and loving father. You just have the perfect life! You'd never understand what I'd been through." I say. I feel pure anger and frustration coursing through my veins.
"I know that I've cared about you! That's why I'm checking on you now. And I shouldn't have, cause you're acting like a little brat and crying because you only care about yourself!" An screamed, distracting a few first years from their conversations. "You don't actually care about me, you liar! If you cared, you wouldn't have abandoned me when Ena died!" I scream back at her.
An's jaw loosens a little and her eyes soften. "Ena died?" I sigh and nod. "She wasn't a good sibling to me, anyway. I don't care about her." I murmured. "Akito, I'm sorry... I didn't know..." I nodded. "You don't have to care about someone like me. I'm too cruel to be cared for anyway." I said, kinda venting to her. It was weird how she was like a second sister to me. A replacement Ena. "As I said, I care about you. So if you-" Her words were blocked out by me running away, like a coward. I didn't like being perceived as weak. I didn't know how people could be vulnerable and completely honest with others.
The wind on my hair felt kinda like a stress reliever, and I ran faster and faster, becoming oblivious to the fact there was a heavy bag on my back and a heavy weight on my chest. My house was just in running distance from my school, and as I rounded a corner, I worried that my father would get frustrated at me. He'd done that a lot more towards me, since Ena, his venting mechanism, had gone from this earth. As the wind rustles my loose hair, I didn't care about how I haven't eaten or slept for the last day. I hoped my energy slowly depleted to zero. Because that was what I deserved.
The spear of guilt from before was stuck in my stomach, and when I tried to ignore it, it made it worse. Weird thoughts filled my heads and I wanted to theoretically pull that spear out and stick it through my heart. I felt like I was making up excuses to be sad because I had to blame it on someone else. And now I was the one feeling guilty. I sighed, my running slowing down as I entered my street.
I walked at a relaxed pace towards my house although I was tired. I was likely to be, since I hadn't been able to sleep for the last 2 nights. I rounded the corner, and walked into my garden, then to my front door. I unlatched the doorknob and went to my bedroom. My father wasn't home, thankfully. He had a work trip, and I lied and said it would be sad to see him go, even though I was  happy I could get away from his torment.
I swung my bag onto the couch, and looked at my phone. Now he cared enough to message me. Strange. An must have told him that Ena was dead. I sighed. A stupid mistake on my behalf. To my head's disagreement, I open the messages. 'Akito, I'm really sorry about Ena. Are you okay?' I frown slightly and messaged back, 'now you care about me?' He was typing for a while, and I watched the dots stop for a little, about five seconds, before his text showed up. 'Akito, I've always cared about you. I don't know what's going through your head or if you need some help with that or what else you've been hiding from me, but I really, really care about you because you're my best friend. It makes me sad that you're saying I don't when I care about you lots and lots.' I breath out. Guess I have to tell this to someone.
'toya. have you ever wanted to just' I pause before I write the word, playing with it in my mind, trying to find one that fits. 'vanish?' I text. His text comes a few moments later. 'What do you mean?' His text asks. He seems polite, but then he texts me back a few seconds later, 'Akito, don't tell me you want to do that.' I sigh. I have an issue with saying too much. 'im not coming back to school, or weekend garage, or any lives, or hanging out with you any longer. i don't want any more friends.' I say. Then, I turn off the phone.
I didn't unpack my school bag. It just sat there menacingly as I planned out how I was going to decompose. Dad was away for a week. It was enough time to die. I deserved a slow death. Not anything quick like jumping off a building, but painful like starvation. I already felt like throwing up, and eating, but I denied it and suppressed the urge.
I flopped onto the couch. What was I going to do? I wasn't scared of death, but felt a small bit of fear in my stomach. I felt the urge to fall asleep, my body practically begging me to, but I stayed up. I decided to occupy myself by changing into some casual clothes. I went into my room and picked out a pair. The pair I would wear for the last time. I felt the urge to make myself look nice when I passed. I smiled to myself, and pulled out some loose pants, a light red T-shirt and pulled my yellow hoodie over it. I realised I smiled, and quickly replaced it with a frown.
Walking into the hallway, wearing socks on my feet so they didn't get cold, I looked at myself in the mirror. A body I couldn't get myself to love. That nobody else deserved to love. I looked disgusting. I checked my phone and there were messages from the rest of my squad. Or at least the squad I was in. I sigh, and read them. The first one was from Kohane. 'Akito, are you okay? Toya and An told me about the messages you sent them.' I frown before continuing to read the message. They weren't real friends if they shared personal information with other people. I sigh. Kohane was the one I was the least close to in the group, but she was okay, I guess. 'I'm just really worried, and want to say that if you need support, please message me or An, even though there isn't much we can do. We both don't want you to die. From your friend, Kohane.' Friend. She said that word so casually as if she didn't realise the importance of it. I sighed. The next one was from An. They all seemed staggered, and written very fast. 'AKITO???' The first one read. 'ARE YOU OKAYA' The next one asked. 'AKITO FOME BACK I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE' It seemed like she was screaming at me through your texts. 'IF THIS IS ABOUT TOYA ISTG' The next one read. I blushed slightly, but masked it with a frown. 'PLEASE TALK TO ME' She didn't attempt to make full sentences. I didn't mind though. Not like my grammar was any better. 'AKITO WERE ALL SO WORRIED WHERE ARE YOU' She says next. I flinch slightly. It's so odd that they're actually concerned. Or are they...
I sighed, taking a seat and leaning back. I don't want to read Toya's message to me. It would probably make me feel all guilty and mushy and I'd start fawning all over him. I decided to come up with a few things to do, since I was going to die. The first thing was notes. Mizuki left notes. Or a note, to people they cared about. I didn't do what she asked. I didn't take care of Ena. I wondered what I would write. Probably something sappy... No, I wanted to tell them how I actually felt about them.
I thought of my father first, then tore out a page of Ena's old art book that was just lying around. It was unused, so I helped myself. 'Dear Dad.' I started. 'A lot of father son relationships are kinda portrayed as a young honest boy and a supportive dad, who even if he did something wrong, would still stand by him. I'm gonna come right out at you and say we never had that. You weren't a good father, and I know I shouldn't be complaining because I've seen worse, but I feel like I need to tell you.' I sighed. 'Thanks for nothing, Akito.' I ended the letter.
The next person I thought of promptly afterwards was him. The thought of him was like a shadow over my mind, or some sort of ghost haunting me. I couldn't stop thinking about his hair, his eyes, his hands. I sighed. I tore out another page, slightly neater this time. 'Dear Toya.' The letter I was writing began. 'It's kinda hard to tell you this, but I kinda think I have a crush on you. Or had, when I was alive. I don't like to admit it, but still.' And then the words came flowing out. 'You're the best partner I could have wished for. You're the only reason I'm alive to write this letter, because without you my life would have no meaning, no beauty. I-'
Suddenly there was a knock at the door, which made me scrunch up the letter slightly, and then I proceeded to tear all of them up, throwing them in the bin. My eyes widened as I saw that familiar silhouette on the tinted glass of the door. I sighed. He wasn't supposed to be here. "Akito? Are you okay?" Toya said, his voice seemingly strained by worry.

‹Word count: 2024›