• our fading futures • akitoya • REWRITE BEGINNING SOON

• false reality •

'tw: suicidal thoughts'

{Pov: Akito}

{A few days later}

She was gone. Her room was empty, with no sign of life inside, except for me occasionally peeking in. My father had decided our period of mourning was over after 2 days. I wasn't ready to stop crying over her.
He'd started selling every thing in her room. Her desk, her bed, the plushies Toya had given me that I'd given her, though I'd kept one cat secretly under my bed so nobody could see it. He'd said he named them all. It was called Snowdrop.
Damn it. Now wasn't the time to be thinking about him. I was sure he didn't care about me anyway, since he hadn't texted me in the past few days. Too busy with Tsukasa. Which was fair enough. I guess I was kinda selfish.
I rummaged through my sisters room. I'd continued holding my emotions in for a while, like always. All bottled up in there, or whatever. The only things that my father hadn't cleared out were her PCs. He said they'd fetch a pretty high price.
The floor was empty, sparse like a desert. Except for one piece of paper on the floor of her room. A suicide note? Or just a spare piece. I flipped it over. It was a list of chores. 'Tell Akito to get you more lollies. Storage running low.' One note on the lined piece of paper read. It could have got stuck behind her desk.
The closet was the only place that my father hadn't cleared out completely, which was good, because I could forage through there for things. I tucked the piece of paper into my pocket, folding it gently in quarters. Opening the closet door, I realised how much clothes and cosmetic items she had. It was packed with skirts, pants, t-shirts, if it was a clothing item, she had it. A lotta money in that closet.
I nodded slightly and got to work. My father would yell at me and call me sentimental or something if I didn't dismantle it. I pulled out item after item, recalling her wearing this one day and this another. That to her birthday then never again, this to that really good cheesecake store where she paid for mine and Toya's slices... He really looked like he enjoyed that, huh? Kinda like a starved animal...
I threw it in the pile aggressively. I needed to stop thinking of him.
Jacket after pink jacket, pair of jeans after pair of jeans, I sorted through the closet, finding nothing but the clothes. Some I'd never seen her wear. She probably deemed them too ugly. There was a box at the back of her closet, labeled 'Old stuff'. What did she mean by old stuff...
Probably stuff she didn't want in her room for aesthetic reasons. I put that box to the side. I'd look in it later, and continue cleaning out the small white room of her closet. Some dust made my nose tickle. I guess nobody had been in here for a bit. There was a few discarded necklaces and figures around. I snatched up one of a cowboy. "That bitch stole it." I murmured. It was from 7 years ago. My favourite toy in the whole world. She probably got jealous because she wouldn't get a go of playing with it. I felt the urge to start crying, but suppressed it as always. I threw its hard plastic body in a pile I was going to fill with items I wanted. My dad wouldn't let me have the computers.
I sorted until the whole big white closet was basically empty and my hands and back were kinda sore from bending and holding stuff. It served as a pretty good distraction from stuff even though the thing I was distracting myself from was the fact that Ena had died.
Finally, I came upon the box from before. I sat down in front of it and opened it's bland, grey lid. Inside contained photos that I recognized from our childhood. A sibling photo at the theme park. We were having fun. We were smiling and enjoying ourselves. We looked so happy.
We got pancakes from a stall that was parked outside the park. I remembered loving them. Probably my favourite pancakes I'd ever had. I had a photo of me munching on mine, syrup around my mouth. I'd say I looked kinda cute, but that was something I wouldn't say about myself, ever.
I picked up the photo and put it gently in my pile. I wanted to cry more than ever. It wasn't fun. I wasn't that weak, though. I knew how to bottle up emotions pretty well. I had technically been for the past 5 years. The last time I cried was when I tripped and scraped my knee up pretty well. I wasn't a crying person. I didn't like being vulnerable. It was gross.
I went back to the box and grabbed the next item. Her old teddy bear... It didn't mean anything to me, but it was all old and banged up, probably from Ena snuggling it for ages.
I picked it up, and threw it in the garbage pile. I didn't think anyone would want something that old. The next item was a bracelet. It was bright pink, but it was big enough to fit me. I shrugged. I needed more accessories, so I decided to add that to the pile I was keeping. Plus, fashion was changing or whatever.
The rest in the box was a bunch of pieces of paper. It looked like her sketches, though I hadn't gone through her sketchbook yet. I picked one out of the pile. To my surprise, it looked exactly like me. She might have chosen to make me her muse for that one sketch. It was pretty well done, but some of the lines were wonky and wobbly where they weren't supposed to be. I could tell because I had a slight artistic eye. I could kinda draw because she taught me.
The next piece of paper, was to my surprise, the first sketch I drew of her. It was very crooked and the head was a wonky circle, but I guess I had some kinda hidden artistic potential. The label said that that drawing was from me at 12. After I'd left that soccer team I was in. I was so depressed back then. I didn't know what I wanted to do until I stumbled upon that concert. But I knew what I wanted to do with my life.
I looked at sketch after sketch. One page a sketch and a few doodles of Mizuki, the next a full blown portrait of Airi that the back said she'd done for Airi's social media in order to get more traction towards her account. But I was still surprised she'd drawn me, and kept that sketch.
Maybe sketching people was a normal thing, because there was plenty in there of people I'd seen around but never talked to, people I knew, heck, there was even one of Toya. She must have seen him from the time we banged into each other. The portrait looked very good, but it wasn't the Toya I knew so well. I knew I could honour him better than that.
I shrugged. Was knowing every detail of your best friends face normal? I guess it was for me. Maybe I actually did- no, I didn't have a crush on him... Did I? No. I don't want to ruin our friendship.
I thought we could sell some of the portraits, but I kept the one of me from so long ago. It was surprising how much of this stuff she didn't throw out. I smirked slightly and went to get the stuff to put in my room, cramming it all in my arms. The cowboy almost fell off on the short route to my room, but I kept it stable easily.
I made my wobbly way to my room and decided to put some stuff away. As soon as I got there, I went to my phone, and checked my messages from Toya. Nothing since about 8 days ago. The last comment he left me with was kind of critical as well. I didn't want to tell him something like 'why don't you talk to me?' because I didn't want to intrude on his personal life, but I was certain Tsukasa didn't need that much attention. I was fine, so he didn't need it.
Suddenly a thought popped into my head. 'He spends more time with him than me.' I didn't want to get jealous over that because that would make me a bad person, but I felt a prick of guilt in my stomach. Maybe he's replacing me? "Relax. He could never replace me." I mumbled to myself, putting the picture of me and Ena onto one of my shelves.
But... Before I hadn't been the best friend to him. I wasn't as nice to him as he was to me, I guess. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't get tired of my company. I was worse at singing then him and I knew it. Maybe he did secretly hate me? I know I'm very easy to hate, maybe his patience was running thin? A larger stab of guilt jolted in my stomach.
Poor Toya. I kinda feel bad for him, being stuck with a singing partner like me. I was grumpy and obnoxious, and I knew that. He hated me and I knew it.
No, why was I thinking that? Why is he friends with me? Of course he likes me! If he didn't he wouldn't have come back after that fight.
But An and Kohane haven't had any fights yet, and they're obviously closer than us. Maybe it's because they're a better duo, or we just aren't as close as them?
I sit down on my bed, scrolling through the texts I'd flung Toya. I remembered one night I couldn't sleep and he woke up to call me quietly and try to relax me. He joked, 'I'll crawl in through your window and help you. If your window is big enough, and not too high, of course.' He was so kind to me and I'd never been that kind to him once. Surely he'd get tired of my company and having to be nice to me all the time? Guilt started settling in my stomach.
I messaged An. She was the only one that was chronically checking her phone every five seconds, and she was like a sister to me. Sister... Oh. The message I sent her read, 'an i want to talk to you' and it had only been a few seconds before I received a speedy reply. 'about what? you dont talk to me much anymore. youre too busy' The message read. I felt a small pinprick of guilt. 'so? i want to talk to you now' I messaged back. 'tell me' Her next message read. I hesitated before I sent the next message. 'ive been feeling pretty guilty for the last week since toya left to take care of tsukasa. i miss him a lot but dont know how to tell him. also he isnt answering my texts so i think im just a shitty friend.' I sent it and exhale. It felt good to get that off my chest. 'damn i didnt realised you cared that much about him' An's response was.
'i literally care about him more than anything else an. id kill myself if it meant he could be my friend in another life. hes the sweetest, most kind person ever.' I sent that without thinking and then wrote 'SHIT I DIDNT MEAN TO SEND THAT' because I just poured out all my inner feelings to An Shiraishi. 'gay hahaha' she responded. I scowled. 'in all seriousness though, why don't you just tell him?????' She sent.
I sighed. 'thatd be weird. plus im not gay.' The feeling brought a weird sensation to my stomach. Considering that as an option felt odd.
'well message him and say hi???' She texted back, and I did so. Sending him a simple 'hey toya' kinda brought butterflies to my stomach. I guess I was a bit worried.
'ok i don't want to talk to you anymore youre annoying' I texted back. I had plenty of time I wanted to have a small crisis and maybe cry a little as well. An sent me back the emoji with it's eyes rolling. I frowned. That was why I stopped texting her.
Minutes passed, then hours. I guess I used to be a bit more clingy when he didn't text me back. I sighed and texted An back. 'yeah i feel like he hates me hes so replaced me with tsukasa' I text with a frown. I feel like crying, but I don't. 'dw i can be your best friend!!!' An texts me. 'you can try to replace him but you wont be the same' I text back. 'woah, someone's grumpy!! maybe you should stop being so worried' I read before I slammed my phone into the pillow. I was done with talking to An today.
I hate her. I hate An, I hate Kohane, I hate Ena, I hate Toya most of all. He abandoned me and left me here to feel sad all alone. He prioritizes Tsukasa, that weirdo over me?! Maybe he'd hated me all along? He hates me. I hate him. I hate everyone. I hate them all. Hate, hate, hate. Everyone hates me.
I decided to go to sleep early, but I could only think of Toya's face, his perfect hair, how his name in my phone had a smiley face emoticon because he told me to put it there. And he hated me. He didn't care about me one bit. All along.
I sighed. I wouldn't get that much sleep tonight.

‹ Word count: 2336 ›

(Authors note: I'm pretty busy next week so sadly no new chapters from me! Sorry ｡･ﾟﾟ*(>д<)*ﾟﾟ･｡)