Forgotten (Book 1 of the Remembrance Series)

Love Letters Never Sent

   After our litte duel, when he had turned to run, I followed. Maybe he will remember, but... no! I can't let myself hope for that, I can't hurt him again! I growled to myself, ending my hunt and walking through the rain. When did it start raining...? Huh, guess it's how I feel right now... I pulled out a cigarette, not even bothering to light it and just chewing on it.
   "Shizu-Kun! Come on, I wanna show you something!" Izaya smiled, dragging me along this alley. He stopped next to one of the trash bags, kneeling and coeing at it. A soft mewl echoed him, a small cat purring as it nuzzled it's snout against his leg. I smiled as my love picked it up and held it to me. "Isn't she cute?" He asked expectantly, his eyes shining. I smiled and nodded, petting the small animal.
   Izaya rubbed his nose in its fur, making cat noises as if he expected it to understand. I smiled and made a noise to, causing him to laugh. I loved that laugh...
   But I won't hear it again. The cat, well, I assume Izaya had sold it or something after I had hit him, not wanting it anymore. His smile, the innocent, heart capturing smile had turned fowl. I never saw the man I had fallen in love with in him anymore. He's a lost cost, forget him! He doesn't love you, and you hurt him! Why the hell would he care about you?! I mentally cursed, the rain hiding my tears. Are you fukin' crying? Over that- that flea?! Get a damn grip! I quickened my pace, hurying through the door to the apartment complex, ignoring the freightened looks from any who saw.

                                ◇♡◇

   I shook myself from the nightmare, a cold sweat embracing my skin. I goaned and fell back again, wiping the damp hair from my face. I looked to my left, seeing a peice of paper and a cracked pen. Maybe it does work to drain all your feeling into a letter... I decided to write a letter to Izaya.

  Izaya,

  It was so long ago, I know you don't remember. That's how I need it. If you remember, I'll be forced to remember. We can't have that happen. I've been forced to relive it over and over again already. Shinra told me that if I had another nightmare, I would have to tell you. Of course I didn't listen, otherwise you'd have known long ago. I said I would 'talk' to you. Does this count? I guess it does, even if you never see this. But just so you know, Izaya, we've known each other for a long time, even before highschool.

  Let me say that I am so sorry! You were right when you said I need to learn to control my temper. Sometimes, I think you may have gained your memory back, and use that damned phrase just to spite me, make me feel guilty. Make me remember.

  I know you probably don't remember, so you're most likely confused. So let me explain, love. Ha, haven't called you that in a long time. That nickname disappeared with your beautiful, innocent smile.

  It was a year or two before highschool, sixth or seventh grade. That year, we decided to try that 'dating' thing all our friends were talking about. It was fun. Though we did go through some minor bullying issues at first, being in a gay relationship. But they all shut up because, well, as you say, I am a monster.

  That day. That goddamn day... that was my biggest regret. It changed our lives, our future! All because of my damn temper. We could have still been together. You could have still remembered me.

  We were having a fight. I'm not sure what it was about. I think I was jealous of Shinra.
 
  I'll never forget the moment your innocent smile turned into a frown.
I'll never forget the moment your crimson eyes filled with tears. And worst of all, I'll never forget that strange sound you made when I threwnyou off me. Why did you cling to me? You knew I was upset!

  When you woke up, you didn't remember me. And I made sure it stayed that way. Until we met again in highschool.

  You were still clingy. I see, even now, that you are more comfortable hanging onto someone. I get jealous of them sometimes. But I can't get any closer to you. The closest I can get is false hate.

  If you hate me, I can't hurt you anymore. I love you too much to hurt you, even after so long, after you made it clear I was just a monster to you.

  I never saw that innocent smile again. Time replaced it with a twisted smirk. That bright innocent laugh slowly becoming an amused chuckle or psychotic cackle.

  You don't love me, but you're in my life. You aren't my lover, but you're safe. Safe from the monster, your monster.

   Shizuo.

   I sighed, crumbling the letter and shoving it into the drawer of my nightstand. I needed a new way to get him off my mind. Maybe I could help Simon hand out flier, yeah, that might work... I slid my shoes on once more, walking out to see the sky had cleared up. My mood brightened just a little with it as I started to Russia Sushi.

A/N- eh heh, I hope your okay that I copied the letter, Liz-San! I changed a few things as I wrote it, like the telling Izaya if he has another nightmare, cause I didn't wanna cut the story short :p so he isnt gonna tell him, cause I am toooo lazzzyy to go back in change it. X3 sorry for any spelling errors, I was tying part of this on the bus, soooo, yeh sorry! *sits criss cross and presses forhead to floor* please forgive any of my faults! Hope ya enjoyed, meep :)