Forgotten (Book 1 of the Remembrance Series)

Sickening Emotions

   I sighed as I slowly spun in my chair, head back so I could gaze at the ceiling. I kept thinking of the way Shizu-Chan had walked away. I felt horrible for tricking him for some reason. I needed to stop feeling sorry for the both of our monstrous souls. I flicked a speck off my desk and went back to my thoughtful spinning. Namie was suddenly standing before me, holding the chair so I could no longer spin it. I gave her my twisted smirk.
   "May I leave, or am I going to given work?" She snapped in annoyance, and I thought for a moment. I gazed at the files around me, then back to her.
   "Organize the files, then you may collect your pay and leave." She walked away with an annoyed noise. I thought about Shizu-Chan and my heart felt funny again. I still didn't believe I was in love, in fact I didn't believe in love itself. Not anymore, at least. I just gave up on it in middle school.
   I decided that searching through Shizu-Chan's house would make me feel better, maybe I would find something to prove he was a monster.
   I grabbed my coat, stepping out into the rain once I was out of my apartemt. I slid my hood up and gazed at the rain.

                                ◆♥◆

   I made it to Shizu-Chan's apartment complex, my body soaked to the bones. I shed my coat and slung it over my shoulder, making my way to his house. I stopped at the door and listened, then opened the door. I decided to start in the kitchen, finding a note pad. All it had were phone numbers and shopping lists. I took a photo of the numbers and put the pad back in it's place, turning around. I searched every every inch of the kitchen and found nothing else. I moved into the living room.
   For some reason, I found myself favoring the smell of his apartment; cigarettes and lavender. I shook the thought, searching the room. I found nothing odd or useful in here, other than he had a lot of chick flics and anime. I surveyed the room in frustration, hurrying into another room, a study possibly? It had filing cabinets, all filled with notebooks or little post-it notes. I looked through one, finding multiple drawings. As I got farther through, the drawings got better and better as his skill progressed. I chose one dated from around our middle school years and snuck it under my jacket.
   I checked through the room, amazed at the monster's artistic skills. After I was sure that there was nothing but drawings and sketches in the room, I made my way to his bedroom. It was just as it had been the last time I had been here, except the nightstand had a box of tissues and five new notepads. Some were filled with mindless doodles of... me? I gazed at the childish figure, wearing a long coat with very fuzzy trim. I turned to the next page, then the next, to see the figure change slightly. I flipped through it quickly, watching in amazement as the figure shaped after me slowly grew taller, walking a long the page. Soon the outline of buildings filled in behind it, becoming more and more detailed. The figure disappeared, yet the buildings were still there.
   I sat the notepad down and went to the drawer with all the wads of paper. They were all doodles of me and Shizuo, Me and Shinra, or just Shizuo. I sat on the bed and felt something crinkle beneath me. I stood up and grasped it in my shaking hands, seeing it was a letter, addresses to... me.

   ~Shizuo's POV~

   I made my way through the heavy rain, which hid my tears. I felt as if I had been betrayed. The rain only became thicker and thicker, fitting to my mood. A sudden thought ran through my head. You could die, it would all dissapear. I let it sink in, thinking it over and over. It would be perfect, I decided, to go out by the hands of the one you loved. Maybe, if I asked Izaya to, he would happily oblige? I pondered the thought, all the times he said he would kill me, every time he waved a blade at me, every time he treated me as below the human race, flooding through my thoughts. The despair came along with the steady stream as the floodgates of my mind opened all the way.
   I choked back a sob as I continued my walk, not caring that it was almost morning by now. The rain had started to let up, and I forced my tears to as well. That's what I loved about walking in the rain, was no one could see your tears as you cried. Sadly, it would soon be winter, so any walks in the rain as I cried of past events would be forced aside. I pulled out one of my cancerous sticks, chewing on the end without lighting it. Lighting it would be a waste, the rain would just smother it out.
   The walk home seemed to take so much longer than normal, making my wonder if I had become lost.

   ~Izaya's POV~

   I clutched the letter to my chest, rereading it again and again.

(A/N- Same lettr as befor, u can reread if u want to, otherwise just skip it)

Izaya,

  It was so long ago, I know you don't remember. That's how I need it. If you remember, I'll be forced to remember. We can't have that happen. I've been forced to relive it over and over again already. Shinra told me that if I had another nightmare, I would have to tell you. Of course I didn't listen, otherwise you'd have known long ago. I said I would 'talk' to you. Does this count? I guess it does, even if you never see this. But just so you know, Izaya, we've known each other for a long time, even before highschool.

  Let me say that I am so sorry! You were right when you said I need to learn to control my temper. Sometimes, I think you may have gained your memory back, and use that damned phrase just to spite me, make me feel guilty. Make me remember.

  I know you probably don't remember, so you're most likely confused. So let me explain, love. Ha, haven't called you that in a long time. That nickname disappeared with your beautiful, innocent smile.

  It was a year or two before highschool, sixth or seventh grade. That year, we decided to try that 'dating' thing all our friends were talking about. It was fun. Though we did go through some minor bullying issues at first, being in a gay relationship. But they all shut up because, well, as you say, I am a monster.

  That day. That goddamn day... that was my biggest regret. It changed our lives, our future! All because of my damn temper. We could have still been together. You could have still remembered me.

  We were having a fight. I'm not sure what it was about. I think I was jealous of Shinra.
 
  I'll never forget the moment your innocent smile turned into a frown.
I'll never forget the moment your crimson eyes filled with tears. And worst of all, I'll never forget that strange sound you made when I threwnyou off me. Why did you cling to me? You knew I was upset!

  When you woke up, you didn't remember me. And I made sure it stayed that way. Until we met again in highschool.

  You were still clingy. I see, even now, that you are more comfortable hanging onto someone. I get jealous of them sometimes. But I can't get any closer to you. The closest I can get is false hate.

  If you hate me, I can't hurt you anymore. I love you too much to hurt you, even after so long, after you made it clear I was just a monster to you.

  I never saw that innocent smile again. Time replaced it with a twisted smirk. That bright innocent laugh slowly becoming an amused chuckle or psychotic cackle.

  You don't love me, but you're in my life. You aren't my lover, but you're safe. Safe from the monster, your monster.

   Shizuo.

   I did remember. I didn't before, no I wouldn't let myself. I had convinced myself he never cared, that he used me. But as I read the letter, I felt every moment we shared flood back as did the tears in my eyes. My hands shook as I gave out wails of anger at my stupidity, and joy that the monster, my monster; as he had addressed himself, still cared, still loved a horrible man like me. I fell onto his bed and tried to calm my ragged breathing, even squealing like a teen girl at times as I thought about Shizu-Chan's, no, Shizuo's, reaction to what I had discovered.
   I pressed my nose into his pillow, breathing in his scent, the one I loved so much. Soon enough as the hours progressed, I felt my eyes slip shut, a sleep filled with beautiful dreams and nightmares filled my mind.