Die for You

Chapter 55

"I did my best, Paul," I screamed again, "I did my fucking best."

"I did my best," I screamed, waking myself up violently. 

The sheets around me were soaked in sweat and I was shivering despite the warm night. I had started to sleep in my own room over the last few nights, much to Becky's disgust. The truth of the matter was I'd spent most of the week screaming myself awake and there was nothing that Becky or Joanna could do or say to fix it.

Becky had begun to look more and more drawn as I ruined her sleep and I had promised to give her a chance to rest. She'd protested endlessly, telling me over and over again that her place was by my side, but finally she'd accepted her need to sleep, and mine.

It hadn't been my only reason for sleeping apart; but the other one was less easy to explain to her. I knew that on some level, I needed to keep her away, to make things difficult for her, despite her attempts to put Sunday behind us. The thing was, I really didn't know why I was doing it to her, I just was.I wasn't proud of it; it just seemed to be what I needed to do.

I'd gone back to my old ways since that Sunday afternoon horror show, grabbing naps whenever I knew it was safe to do so including, on one occasion, the sofa in her office. It was my old combat tactic of getting some sleep whenever it was available; saving it up, not knowing when I would need it next. It was the only thing that was getting me through the day, the only thing that was allowing me to function at all.

"Freenky?" I heard a sleep-thick voice say from the doorway as I sat on the bed, trying to calm my breathing. "Babe, are you ok?"

"Yeah," I said as I felt the bed dip next to me and a pair of arms wrap around my waist. "Just another nightmare, that's all."

"I heard, baby, why didn't you come to bed like you said you were going to?"

"Because you need your sleep, Bec," I said, wrapping my arm around her shoulders. "We had this discussion. You're looking knackered and you've got some busy weeks ahead of you; it's not fair on you to lose sleep because of me."

"But it's Friday night, babe, and I miss you. And I don't have to be in work tomorrow so it doesn't matter if I lose a bit of sleep. Besides," she said resting her head on my shoulder, "I'm losing sleep now, aren't I?"

"I guess you are, love," I replied kissing her hair, "and I should be yelling at you for it."

"But you're not going to, are you?" she said slowly, snuggling into me deeply, her voice sounding exhausted. 

One thing I did know about my Becky was that she needed her sleep, and my little setback had been affecting her badly. I was actually feeling pretty guilty about waking her all the time; almost as guilty as she felt, in her eyes, for putting me here.

"No, I guess not," I said finally easing her already sleeping form down onto the bed and slipping the duvet over her, tucking her in carefully before laying down next to her and slipping my arm over her waist protectively. "I guess I'm not going to yell at you at all."

I snuggled into her back, slipping my knees behind hers and smiled as she shuffled backwards, her hand slipping back onto my hip and pulling me closer.

"I love you, Freenky," she muttered as her nails gently traced the faint line of a scar, the result of an argument with a park swing when I was seven. I remembered how amused she had been when I told her how I had come by it; fascinated that this one at least, hadn't been caused by enemy action.

"I love you too, Bec," I said softly, closing my eyes and allowing that faint smell of expensive body lotion fill my nostrils as I drifted off into a restless sleep once more.