Die for You

Chapter 34

April left us in a blur of a lot more meetings and a lot less 'dates'. Becky and I fell into what was actually quite an easy pattern. The only 'trouble' was, that despite the fact that we saw each other every day, we didn't have time to 'see' each other. With her busy schedule and my sessions with Joanna we never really had any time 'together'. 

Still this isn't a bad thing really, we had been pretty intense in a very short period of time and I think we both knew it had to cool down. It also wasn't a bad thing because I had a of things to think about, an awful lot of things to think about.

The evening of my epiphany had resulted in me sitting on Becky's sofa wrapped up in her arms spilling my guts to her about what I'd discovered. She hadn't said much, just nodded and squeezed and patted and kissed my head as we went along the memory path that I'd finally broken through.

It was a strange realization, that I hadn't got Paul killed, that it wasn't my actions in letting him take my turn that resulted in that sniper's bullet ending his life. The thing was, despite the realization it, wasn't getting any easier; his accusing face reappearing in my dreams that night.

"It won't happen overnight, Freen," Joanna had told me in my next session; the one that took place the day after, the day after I woke up screaming on Becky's couch, a blanket pulled over me. "The brain is a funny thing. You've spent all this time blaming yourself, believing your memory of what happened was the truth. That belief has shaped your life for the last few years and it won't just go away like that.

She was right, it hadn't; and neither had the guilt over everyone else, my nights being haunted by the nightmares once more, the same old faces, the same old accusations; the same old guilt. Thinking about things seemed to be making them worse, and I'd been thinking about things a lot.

Still, I was making progress according to Joanna, whatever progress meant. From what I could tell, progress meant a barrage of sleepless nights and tired days.

May pretty much brought more of the same, more therapy, more nightmares and less Becky; personally that was. We still were glued together professionally; and that was just how I wanted it. I wanted to make sure she was safe more than ever now, and I had a real, completely justifiable, reason for doing so.

"Freen," Rob had said to me one day as I stood outside the boardroom waiting for Becky's meeting to finish. "Can I have a quick word with you, it's about Becky and it's important."

I have to admit to my heart racing like mad as I nodded at the CPO that had accompanied him to presumably take my place. Becky hadn't told Rob about me and her, and I wondered for a second if somehow he'd discovered her dirty little secret, aka, me.

"Take a look at these," he said tossing a stack of papers in front of me as I walked up to his desk. Rob turned his back on me as I picked them up. He stood looking out of the window at the city skyline, hands twitching behind his back as I leafed through the documents.

"Have you told anyone about these?" I asked putting down the mail that was addressed to him and Becky.

"Not a soul, not even Becky. James recommended someone checking through our mail before it arrives just in case, well just in case this sort of thing happened. I have to admit this is just some of what we've received. I had the rest boxed up and put away, it's been arriving for ages."

I could have strangled him with my bare hands right there and then. I had, in my fingers, some of the most worrying hate mail I'd ever seen. Not one member of the family had been excluded from the bile, not even Jenna; but they'd all been directed at Rob or Becky. Detailed descriptions of what would happen to them or their family.