Die for You

Chapter 51

#11 – Christmas

.....We had some great times at Christmas and I want you to keep doing that, please don't lose sight of what we had as time goes on... and don't tell me you won't because I know what you're like. I bet you've done no planning for this, your first Christmas on your own, and that's not good enough... perhaps it wouldn't be too much to ask for you to light a candle or two like we used to? You could even put out a glass of something for me, like you used to do for Father Christmas, I think I'd like that. I think that would be really appropriate, remember I'm looking down on you dear, I'll know if you don't do it!

So here's the deal, Freen, do this for me... at some point on Christmas Eve or Christmas day, when you have the time, put this tape on again and share a few minutes with me. Wherever you are in the world let me be a part of your Christmas, just like when I was alive and able to make it happen myself.

Merry Christmas, Joyous Yuletide and all of that love, may your New Year be filled with happiness.... cheers!"

"I never did, you know," I said to Becky as the screen went black again; my voice choked as I repeated what I had told her before. "I never did celebrate Christmas again after she died, not in the same way. I just couldn't do it."

"You didn't know though, love, I'm sure she'll understand."

"Yeah," I agreed, "she totally would, still makes me feel bad though. I should have watched these when she intended, should have known they'd be important."

"Freenky?" she said, causing me to twist around to look at her, those glorious eyes staring back at me, "you didn't know any of this until today, you can't begin blaming yourself for not following her wishes without ever knowing what they were; and you can't blame yourself for not watching these tapes either. You were seventeen, babe and your mother had just died; you had a lot to deal with."

"Perhaps," I agreed half-heartedly, still feeling that I'd betrayed mum in some serious way.

"Perhaps nothing," she said a firmness in her voice that was tinged with sympathy. "You know I'm right; besides, she'd forgive you anything, she loves you to bits; you can totally see that in these tapes."

"Yeah," I said, not wanting to have an argument about something so obvious; the guilt was still there, but she was right as usual. There was no point blaming myself for things I have no control over; it was something I'd spent a lot of time discussing with Joanna in our sessions, guilt. She was firmly of the belief that guilt was behind everything that had been affecting me; guilt about mum, guilt about Paul, guilt about just about fucking everything.

"Do you want to see what she has to say about me then, Freenky?" Becky asked nudging me from my internalization, "Put on tape twenty?"

"Yeah, why not?" I said cracking a smile. "Might be a laugh to see what she has to say about a girlfriend of mine. I think I need a drink first though."

"You've hardly touched the one I made you," she said indignantly, gesturing at my still practically full cup.

"Yeah, there's a reason for that, love," I told her as I stood up, collected our cups and walked out into the kitchen.

"What's that?" she called after me, "something to do with your mother and tea? Something about these tapes?"

"Nah," I said poking my head around the doorway from the little hall. "It's mainly because you make tea like you cook... really fucking badly."

"You bitch," she shouted, scrambling from the sofa to chase me as I laughed and ran as fast as my feet could carry me. I'd barely managed to close my bedroom door when there was a loud thud as she slammed into it, followed by the pounding of fists on the wooden panels.