Die for You

Chapter 31

"So, Freen, how did things go yesterday?"

I stared at the woman opposite me who simply stared back, her look radiating confidence and calm.

"Why don't you tell me?" I replied shortly.

"Because I'm not psychic, Freen, I'm just a good observer."

"So what's your famous observational talent telling you then, Joanna?"

Yes, it's childish, but from the moment I pulled up outside, I'd felt a real annoyance at Joanna Foster and her fucking games. She'd played me totally yesterday, played me like a prized pillock and left me to deal with the outcome of her manipulations.

"Well," she said sitting back in her chair and steepling her fingers, reminding me vividly of Becky making the same motions last night in her flat.

"Well," she said again smiling, "I'd say that you were brave last night and did as I suggested, I think you got an answer you weren't expecting and for some reason I'd say you're a little pissed off at me."

I sat back in my chair, mimicking her motions deliberately, holding her eye contact and slipping into my interrogators attitude, my eyes cool and unyielding.

"What makes you think that any of that is true?" I asked.

"Because you're trying to hide behind that attitude of yours, and because you're behaving differently to yesterday; but mostly because you seem both more relaxed and more stressed at the same time. I may be wrong, but I'm not wrong often, Freen."

She looked at me and folded her arms, "so go on then," she said challengingly; "tell me I'm wrong."

"You're wrong, Joanna, " I told her smoothly, "I have nothing to hide and no reason to hide anything from you. I'm stressed because I'm here; worrying about what kind of a head-fuck you're going to attempt today, and I'm relaxed because I'm trying to find my safe place because that's what you want me to do."

"Bullshit," she announced calmly after a long silence fell between us, "I think we both know that's bullshit. Or at least I know it is and I hope you do, because if you don't, then we're in real trouble with this therapy, because if you can delude yourself that much, then we're further back than I thought we were."

We stared at each other, our silent gladiatorial contest continuing as the minutes ticked inexorably away; sliding from the future, to the present and finally into the past. Gone forever, never to be repeated, just one more moment of lost time, one more thing to regret.

"So, are you going to talk to me today?" Joanna asked softly, "because I think you need to tell me why you're annoyed at me, otherwise we might as well end these sessions now and I'll recommend you to someone else. I'm sure Jenna won't mind, as long as someone is helping you."

"You fucking played me," I snapped; the mention of Jenna's name finally bringing me to my senses. After all, she had arranged for me to have these sessions, gone out of her way to make sure that I got help. Despite my anger, it did feel like a betrayal of a friend; and I didn't need another betrayal on my conscience.

"I played you?" she said in surprise. "How so?"

"Becky, you knew all about her; about her being gay, about everything. You fucking set me up," I accused, "it wasn't about being brave or any shit like that, you just set me up."

I petered out as she regarded me from across the room, unable to express what I thought I knew.

"You're right and you're wrong, Freen," she replied calmly, using her voice in that rhythmic way that she had the day before. Consciously, I tensed myself against its hypnotic nature; watching as she smiled slightly as my body tensed.