Die for You

Chapter 64

I woke with a start from a nightmare about Baghdad, the sound of bullets and screams still ringing in my ears. As I opened my eyes, I saw Becky leaning over me, her eyes looking hurt.

"Hey," she said, her hand still caught up in my hair, "sleep well?"

"Not really," I replied rubbing my eyes with my forearm, causing her to pull back her hand.

"Where did you go last night, baby?" She asked softly and I internally winced at the pain in her voice. "I was worried about you."

"Couldn't sleep," I replied, "so I went out for a drive."

"Where did you go?" she pressed, ever so slightly beginning to piss me off.

"I just drove around," I said, trying to avoid answering the question.

"All night?" she continued, pressing the interrogation.

"All night, Becky. Jesus fucking Christ, I drove around all night, then I came back, ok? What more do you fucking want from me?"

I let my tiredness, my frustration, and my need for her to back the fuck off leak out into my voice for the first time in our relationship; watching her recoil as I did so. I felt a thin sliver of guilt creep into my heart, but I ignored it; knowing I was acting for the greater good. It hurt me to see her in pain like that, of course it did, but she needed to let me go... I knew that now. Ever since she met me, I had brought her danger, right back to that very first day when we were barely on speaking terms.

"Hey," she replied softly, composing herself swiftly, "I wasn't trying to start a fight, I was worried, that's all."

"No need," I replied dryly, "I can look after myself, you know?"

"I'm not sure you can, Freen," she said finally biting back, squaring her shoulders at me as she sat back, her hackles obviously rising. "In fact, I think it's quite the opposite; I think you need to talk to someone about all of this..."

"Oh, you do, do you?" I snapped, "Made me an appointment with Joanna already, have you?"

"No," she snapped back, standing up, "but perhaps I should, it sounds like you need it!"

"Oh really, some kind of a fucking expert, are you?" I shouted, wishing she'd just fuck off and leave me alone.

"Actually, I am," she shouted angrily, "remember? We need fucking help, Freen, you and me, we've been through something awful and we need someone to help us get through it, because fuck knows we're doing a shitty job of it ourselves."

"Something awful?" I sneered back at her, "that wasn't awful. You want to know what's awful, hun? Watching your best mate die in front of you is awful, tasting his fucking blood on your lips as he dies, that's awful; spending month after month under attack is awful, watching your friends, the people you've spent your life with die for no fucking reason... that's fucking awful, hun. Worst of all? Sitting next to a hospital bed watching your mother die... that's more than fucking awful. Getting the fuck away from an ambush unharmed? That's fucking nothing; that's like a holiday for me."

"I wouldn't call what happened to JJ being unharmed, Freenky," she retorted, Ignoring my jibes and hitting a very raw nerve, rendering me speechless for a second. I watched her take a deep breath, closing her eyes and composing herself carefully.

"I don't want to fight with you, Freen," she said in her best soothing voice. "I was worried about you, that's all; you scared the shit out of me last night when you left without saying goodbye."