Illicit Affair ||Pedro Pascal||

You Can't

Pedro didn't speak to me at work as it was, but somehow I felt even more iced out by him after the pictures of Oliver and I surfaced. Maybe it was just all in my head, but whenever I was in the same room as him, the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. It never felt that way before. Sure, he ignored me, but it didn't feel like he was doing it because he was angry all the other times. Things were different now, I could feel it.

Two days had gone by, no call or text, and I questioned if Pedro's suggestion of me coming over soon was now abandoned. I knew where he lived, what's stopping me from just going by and asking what his problem is?

I don't want to seem crazy, that's what's stopping me.

But the more I think about how intimate each conversation we have when we're laying in bed, enjoying each other's company, the more I think about how much I miss it. Was I ever going to have one of those moments again?

After much time of contemplating, I decided to go to his house. Although I was afraid of how he might react. Maybe he'd think I'm crazy for showing up unannounced, or perhaps he'll be happy to see me?

I walked up to his gate, put in the four-digit code on the keypad, and waited for the doors to open enough for me to slide through. I knocked on the front door and almost immediately he answered. Pedro's face was still, he didn't't look surprised or happy, or even angry. "What's going on with you?" I asked. I hadn't rehearsed or even thought about what I was going to say to him, so it was all coming out like word vomit. "You haven't called...or texted."

"Neither have you." he retorted. He opened the door wider, allowing me to come inside. I took a few steps through the door, and he shut it behind me. "I assumed you were busy with your photographer."

So he did see the pictures. "That's why you've been avoiding me?" I asked. "I didn't even want to go out with him."

"Then why did you?"

"Well...my manager thought that it would be good publicity."

Pedro scoffed. "Was it worth it?"

I didn't speak for a couple seconds. I didn't know wether to take that blow or not. "What if I said it was?" We looked at each other, not breaking eye contact. "What if I told you that I actually had a lovely night? That..it felt nice to spend time with someone who isn't embarrassed to be seen with me in public?"

"I would say maybe you should go be with him then." He shrugged.

I crossed my arms above my chest. "Yeah. Maybe I should. He listens to me, and he doesn't make me feel like a burden on him. He doesn't have to look around when we're talking to make sure nobody can see us." Pedro's expression softened a little, but he was still trying to seem unbothered. "You do that, and I pretend not to notice but I do. If I would've known you were just going to use me, I never would have told you how I felt."

His gaze shifted away from me. "What makes you think I'm using you?"

"What else would you call it when you fuck me and forget me?" I responded, my hands dropped to my sides.

Pedro tilted his head slightly. "You know why we have to keep this private..."

"Private, yes. But you forget about me the second we're back on set! You can still treat me like a friend, or a colleague at least, but you don't, you won't even look at me!"

He shook his head, and sighed. "We just can't risk it..."

"So you can sleep with me in private but you can't talk to me in public?" I said. I wasn't expecting an answer, but his silence was killing me. "What are we doing? I mean, what do you want from me?"

"I don't know."

It felt like my lungs collapsed, I was finding it harder to breathe. I stepped back, and opened the front door myself. "Figure it out." was the last thing I said before disappearing.

I went home that night and tried my hardest to pretend that I was okay. I wanted to act like everything was normal, or that I wasn't bothered. It had begun to rain, and normally it would calm me down. That was the first real argument we've had, I couldn't stop thinking about him no matter how hard I tried.

I couldn't sleep, which was making the situation worse. At least if I were asleep I wouldn't have to think about it, but it was driving me crazy. Half of me expected him to call me, and the other half thought he was done with whatever it was that we had and this was his way of telling me. I almost ended up calling him myself, but I didn't know what I would say, so I just continued to lay in bed, staring into the darkness, listening to the heavy raindrops tapping on the window and hoping I would eventually fall asleep.

That's when I heard a sudden knock at the door. I sat up and waited for another set of knocks, which eventually came. Slowly, I walked to the door and cautiously peeked through the peephole. When I opened the door there he was, sopping wet from the rainfall outside. "I'm sorry." He said, looking at me with his big brown puppy-dog eyes. "I shouldn't have been mad at you.."

I looked at his clothes, clinging to his body from the wetness, and his hair with droplets falling from the strands that hung just above his eyes. I shook my head and grabbed his arm, pulling him inside. "Look at you. Did you walk here or something?"

He followed me as I led him to my bedroom. "I forgot the code to get into your building so I was standing outside for a while trying to remember it."

I couldn't help but laugh. I went into my closet and dug out the extra change of clothes he'd left here on one of the nights he came over, and handed them to him. "Go shower." I instructed.

He went into my bathroom, leaving the door open a crack, and began running the water just before undressing. Once I heard the shower door open and close, I went inside really quick to grab his wet clothes and throw them in the washing machine. That way, they'd be nice and fresh for when he needed to leave, whenever that was.

Pedro dried off, changed clothes, and got into bed with me. He came from behind, and wrapped me in his arms. He had held me like this once before, but it felt different this time. It felt real. I felt his breath on the back of my neck, and I snuggled myself closer to him. "I don't..." he started. I could tell that Pedro was trying to find the right words for whatever it was that he wanted to say. "I don't want you to be with anybody else...you can't."

"I never wanted to." I responded.

It was the first night we spent together without having sex, but I'd never felt closer to him.