Cherry

Chapter 32

Cherry

October (2 months later)

As I look into San Fransisco's crystal clear water, I think back to when I first learned how to swim at 10 years old. When I was younger, I never cared to learn how to swim, since I was always afraid of the ocean. In almost every dream I had right after my birth mom died, I was drowning. I was terrified that I'd drown in real life, even if I dipped my feet in the water. But, getting adopted by my moms meant living right by the water. So, it was inevitable. I had to learn how to swim, despite the terrifying thought of drowning always creeping around in the back of my mind.

Now, I don't care if I drown.

Sometimes I sit and wonder if Ethan still has the rose quartz crystal I gave him that feels forever ago. If he does still have it, that probably contributes to the fact that I cannot stop thinking about him. He's the only thing on my mind. I go to class and think about him. If I have an art assignment, I create something inspired by him. Or, maybe I can't stop thinking about him because I have the poem he wrote me hung up on my vanity, so every time I get ready for the day, I see his words.

*..*

The way the flowers dance to a warm breeze

The way the woodpeckers adore the trees

The way bees love honey

The way you love how the summers are always sunny

Is the way I feel about my Cherry.

*..*

I can't believe I pushed him away. Well, I can believe it, but... I feel like I'm currently in an alternate universe caused by me making the wrong choice. In another world, I'm on the right path. Ethan and I are still together, and I'm not fucked up in the head. We're happy and still in love. He was right. I wasn't pushing him away to work on myself. I pushed him away because I'm never going to get better, and he shouldn't have to try and pick up the pieces for me.

Not to mention the fact that long distance never works, and I didn't want him to resent me for him feeling lonely because I had to go back to college. I didn't want to get in the way of his dreams, either. I would have felt so guilty if he did. Ethan has a business degree for fucks sake. He needs to put it to good use. I was nothing but a bad distraction. I mean, that's why he came to South Carolina last summer in the first place. He wanted to get away from his boring life and find himself. His initial plan was to go back to Boston after the summer was over, and how was I going to ruin that? He was fully willing to drop his career and life plan to follow me, and no one should do that, especially for me; someone who can't love him the way he deserves because of the roadblocks I'm facing.

Ethan stopped contacting me a few weeks after I left him at the airport. Two weeks and four days, to be exact. I so desperately wanted to answer his calls and texts, but it was better if I didn't.

Moms call me every night, though. I know they can sense something is wrong with me, but I can't tell them what's going on. It's better for everyone if I just keep to myself. The only things I talk about on the phone with them are classes. I ask about Momma's doctor visits. I ask how Sylas is doing. I talk to Cora whenever she isn't busy with schoolwork or going out and partying. She tells me she's being smarter, and being safe, and I choose to believe her because I honestly can't have any added stress to my mind right now.

Currently, I'm missing my family a little extra, so I'm rubbing the opalite crystal Momma gave me at the airport two months ago. I'm trying to calm myself down, but the dark thoughts continue to appear.

College does nothing but make me miserable. I have assignment after assignment, but that's expected, right? I am in college about to get my Bachelor's degree. College students are supposed to feel burned out and so stressed because that's just a normal thing that universities offer. I can't even talk to anyone here about how I feel if I wanted to. Need an extension on an assignment because you can't mentally work on it? Professors do not care. Get used to it. Suck it up. Meditate to relieve your stress. Find a hobby to find joy.

Well, I've tried. None of that bullshit "it's so easy to be happy," works or is actually true.

Weed doesn't even help me anymore. That used to be my go-to when I was feeling like this. But, now it just makes me paranoid and more anxious than I already am. I remember almost a month ago I bought gummies and ate them while I was up late doing homework. But, about an hour after taking them, I started seeing things in the corner of my room. Thank God I don't have a roommate because the weed caused me to have the worst trip of my life. If I did have a roommate, she probably would have thought I was insane by the way I was acting. I was shaking out of fear as a figure approached me, and I swear I stayed frozen for an hour straight, just staring into the dark figure's eyes.

Even my nightmares have never been this awful. I think stress adds to the scariness and frequency. I was used to getting them every now and then, but lately, I go to bed knowing I'm going to have a nightmare that night. I'm so scared of seeing my past that I haven't been sleeping. I've currently been awake for two days straight. The only thing keeping me awake right now is the cool breeze that blows beside the ocean.

I stand up from the sand and contemplate what I'm about to do. I love my family and I love Ethan. I love Sylas, too. I love creating art, but now since I'm doing it for assignments, it feels like a hassle. Am I even going to be able to find a job with my art degree? It's one of the hardest degrees to find a job with. I knew that going in, but I feel like I'll be a struggling artist for the rest of my life. As I begin to walk into the chilly water, I see my loved one's faces in my mind. I see Cora, me, and my moms all dancing to music together in the kitchen. We're giggling and smiling so hard that it hurts. I see Sylas too and give him a hug in my mind. Then, I see Ethan. I kiss him one last time in my mind and hold him tight. The thought is almost enough to pull me out of the water, but I keep going. I hope they can forgive me in the future. The farther I walk into the ocean, the more my body gets covered.

It's at my waist now.

Now, to my chest.

Now it's at my shoulders.

Now, the bottom of my nose.

I go further until I'm fully submerged in the water. I can hear what sounds like yelling coming from the shore, but it's muffled because of water filling my ears. Right before I close my eyes, through the seaweed and a school of fish in front of me, I can see a single fish swimming toward me. It's black and white, maybe an angel fish. We make eye contact for a split second, and then it's gone.

Eventually, it gets harder and harder to hold my breath. My body naturally tries to breathe, out of instinct and desperation for air, but all my body receives is a sudden rush of water that pours into my mouth and nose.

Then, all at once, everything goes black.