I'll Be Fine (pt. 1 of 2)

interlocking interests

"All I got is me, I don't believe in havin' friends, huh
Practice what I preach until it haunts me in my dreams"

needed a small reminder that who i am isn't
EVER
decided by who i have around me
the ones i talk to? simply stepping stones
although i truly do enjoy every last one of you, some of you get too rowdy or personal or anything, and i end up sending you on your way
do not cry, or fret
you did this to yourself
just like you made me angry
you made this for yourself
i don't know what happened anymore, either time
but looking back
i told you
i had codependency
i had these problems, and thankfully
i don't have them as bad
knowing id die with them controlling me
and now i sit here reminiscing that night at 4 am
wondering
why i decided to tell you
why i decided to talk again
why i said something
why i couldn't sleep
why any of it happened, when it shouldn't have
and better yet
why did you respond?
and on this night
i realized
you tried hard
you really did
i guess you just couldn't handle my poutiness
and my gripping onto you for a bit of happiness
my spamming with messages
and my want to run
after being accused of something so horrid
but the reason you responded
is because you cared
and for someone like you
that means a lot
unfortunately, i guess someone like you also can't overlook that the poutiness is usually something that doesn't come out
and the time i show it, i guess it was too much
but hey
how can't i know that you just wanted to hurt me, put me on edge
see me SUFFER
i don't know when it started to be about that
or if it ever was about that,
but should you grow a bond that big again,
with that sort of intimate touching and playfulness
you should get a thicker set of skin
especially deteriorating and "dissociating" over me saying
"i just wanted to hug you"
"it's okay, who cares"
"don't worry about me"
and etcetera.
maybe i wish you were back, in a slightly different timeline