I'll Be Fine (pt. 1 of 2)

Dear Parent #1 and Parent #2

Despite what you might believe, I do love you. It's a deep love, one that I will retain my entire life, or atleast in part, and even a small sort of respect. But in terms of actual likeability, Parent #1, you were my favorite, by far. Parent #2, you made my life in its entirety hell. You had zero remorse for the things you did, you popped off the handle at simple things, you were much too quick to accuse and deny. All you ever accomplished was making people mad at you, although your business clients loved your attitude and work ethic. You know damn well that your misogyny, jokes, and all that about wife beating, black people hating, and tradwife lifestyles were jokes because you lived in them, and made them what others around you had to suffer through. Your entire ego and additude was based around the shitty household heirarchy, men first, and adults first. You believed you were the alpha, you know what you're doing, your pride being spared was utmost importance, and all you asked for was what you believed you deserved for all your "hard work." You tried to snuff me out, tried to make me your submissive whore for your meaningless missions and mind-numbing tasks. And for that I applaud you, because for that, you gave it your best effort. And in part, you did. You snuffed out the part that cared for you, cared if you were dead or alive, cared if you were present. I may know lots from your teachings, but that doesn't mean I appreciate the person they ended up spouting out from. The way you meticulously indoctrinated me with your ideals, your love of guns and weapons, and your political beliefs, was all truly a work of art. It was plotted out so perfectly, all set up to be a mini you, but then I got exposed to the real feelings in my brain, as well as hardships. The stress, the anxiety, the feeling I could never trust anyone but those who didn't have contact with my parents, it was a fiasco in my head. I even admitted to wanting to kill myself. And all you did, was call me selfish, atleast when Parent #1 read it off to you, after going through my phone. Parent #1 told me I was selfish. Told me that if I needed help, you should just ask instead of just "thinking about blowing my brains out" or "hanging yourself." Even after I tried to tell you I wasn't a guy, I wasn't a horrid and terrible guy, you called me stupid, and that the "liberals made it up." You never wanted me to know about being a different person, you never really wanted me happy. Getting clothes, getting skirts, and you catching me, you get all scared and defensive, wondering why I would do this. Why wouldn't it pop into your brain that I want it, I need it for my own brain, to just be willing to continue? Why wouldn't you atleast ask, why wouldn't you check in with me, ask me how I was doing, and why I wanted the feminine clothes? For god's sake, I was fucking asking strangers off of Reddit for clothes. Wouldn't that make any sort of lightbulb go off in your head, any sort of indication that maybe I should go see someone about it, or atleast be given the choice? I felt trapped, because you shut down all my attempts, you followed me to ask about my fucking texts, and what I did. You even fucking returned the skirt I got, and gave me back the money I spent on it, not saying a word about the fact you did after repremanding me and making me want to shrivel up and die infront of both of you. You made me feel so insignificant, but I've atleast grown out of that. It just angers me so much the both of you would rather make me the most Republican loving, fully indoctrinated "son" instead of just letting me be, well, me. It shows a lot about your character and your idea about the human spirit. Indomitable as it is, you think you can change it, mould it, and shape it to your liking, without any consequences. Just like conservatives act like there are no consequences to practically ban the ability of children to think for themselves and let them become who they want to be. This brings me to my next point: you just shoved all things manly and masculine, and bullied me, pressured me, and forced me to hate everything girly, feminine, and femme. Pink? No can do. Multi colored? Hippie clothing, at best. Dresses? Only for the women. It makes me so angry that I believed it all, but not only is that in the past, it's in my impressional mind that was largely empty and just had a knack for muscle memory and math. With that, I love you Parent #1, with all my heart, and I one day wish I can truly come out to you, but I don't know if I ever will. And as for you, Parent #2, I wish upon you the world's wrath, and to believe all that you believe in as it falls apart around you, with your system crumbling to pieces. You deserve nothing more than a total shutdown and eradication of everything you hold so dear, anyhow.