I want to kill myself.
One of my friends wants to kill them self. Wait, what?I hope I didn't start some sort of killing trend. Uhg I really should just have trigger warning tattooed on my forehead.
"I'll start." Libby broke me from my thoughts. "Mine frightens me a little bit and i think that it's Niki's" What is that supposed to mean? "It say's 'I have wanted to starve myself before, I really should because im getting fat.'" HA I could laugh at that, because everyone has those thoughts sometimes its no secret, why is it worrying.
Wait, why is everyone staring at me.
Niki.... you laughed out loud.
Oh. whoops.
"what is so funny Niki?!?!?! That was a big secret!" Samantha was about to beat the shit out of me but I didn't care I kept laughing.
Samantha!! That makes it 100% funnier. Samantha was s k i n n y, you could fit a basketball in her thigh gap.
"Sam you're so skinny its kind of gross, why in the fuck would you want to starve yourself. That's just dumb." I was gasping for breath, I tend to laugh a lot when someone irritates me.
"So you think I'm gross? And i still have some fat, I mean I eat all the time and don't gain anything that's not my fault, and just think it would be cool to be a real anorexic." You think is would be cool? Wow okay how does one respond to this without bombing her household.
Leave it be you cow, focus on calories, don't you want to be skinny like her.
Fine.
"erm so I guess I should go?" Chrissy spoke awkwardly trying to break the tension. "Mine says 'I hate myself' and I'm gonna go with Niki."
"Um, yeah." And after I finished these weak two words I was verbally attacked by shouting words of hate and help all in one.
"WHY DO YOU HATE YOURSELF" and whispers that they thought I couldn't hear of "well you should"
I thought that they would cool down for a while so I sat there for 5 minutes soaking it all in. "ENOUGH!!!" I screamed this on top of my lungs. "One at a time, please I can't handle 7 little assholes screaming shit at me all at once"
"Beth you first" "Why do you hate yourself" Oh god not this question I hate that word. I cringed and moved on to Chrissy.
"Do you cut yourself?" Should I tell them? It's a lot to take in all in one day, but maybe I should use the band aid method.
I was just about to say yes when...
no no no no you idiot, they will tell the councilors and then you will end up right where you started.
"No." Thank god what was I thinking was i really about to tell them the truth? Oh my god that was close.
But no I didn't stop there, I never stop there, I always have to make it worse. "I'm not a fucking freak only freaks cut themselves, do you take me for a freak?! I thought we were friends Chrissy how could you?"
"Niki stop people who cut themselves have a lot going on lets not bash them." Sasha said angrily.
"Why, Sasha? do you cut yourself?" What am I doing, what if she does NIki stoppp. But no it was too late now because Sasha was close to tears as she shakily answered "yes"
I wanted to do nothing else but go and hug her and tell her that its okay and that I can relate, but of coarse my body had other ideas. "My point exactly." I said this with a cold tone I didn't even think I was capable of making.
"THAT IS ENOUGH NIKI YOU NEED TO FUCKING STOP IF ANYONE IS A FREAK HERE ITS YOU AND YOUR FAT ASS NOW KINDLY DO US A FAVOR AND SUCCEED IN KILLING YOURSELF NEXT TIME, PLEASE LEAVE NOW." Samantha screamed the most hurtful words I've ever received at me. The little voice in my head was the only one who had the nerve to say it to my face, but a real person saying it hit hard.
Before I knew what I was doing I had my blade in my hand and 7 shocked girls staring at me, jaw dropped.
"Okay, if that's what you want." I smirked, then dug the blade into my wrist, and everything blacked out.
Maybe I succeeded this time. Maybe everything will be okay now.
a/n
This sucked so bad and I don't even know where I am going with this, but hopefully that mysterious boy will start to egg in somehow
