The Music Room

Heartfelt

Donovan, Alix and Doxx sit around the table in the kitchen in the Indiana safe house, the others aren't here. I checked the house when we arrived. The boys glance at each other and then back at me. I hate them all at the moment. I feel as though I am a zoo animal, a freak and they just ogle at me. They laugh and tap on the unstable glass of my heart. I must protect myself against these people who call themselves my friends.
Piercing blue eyes search my own gray ones; looking for any chance at civil speech. There isn't much. Betrayal is still fresh on my mind and it is too soon for any slim possibility at redemption for any of them. My vision shakes and I believe there is an earthquake within me. Violent anger courses through my veins and boils my blood, beads of sweat appear on my brow and I quickly wipe them away. My eyes fall upon Alix, he still mocks me; even after comforting me over the death of Donovan. He knew that they were alive the entire time.
My heart pounds within the white walls of my chest, which constricts and I feel trapped. Desperately I need out. I need to feel free again. I stand and walk out of the room, unable to take it anymore. I grab the keys from the rack in the hall and escape. My eyes, nose and throat burn and my vision blurs. Angry wasted salt dampens cheek bones. I drive on and on. For an hour I drive at top speed through the corn fields and dirt roads. The pain soon become too much. It threatens to swallow me whole; the hollow emptiness within and without.
I don't cry often, before the invasion I would bottle up my emotions and shovel them deep down inside a bottle. Capped and waxed I would put it away for later. Wait until an earthquake shakes and shudders through me. I crack and break down slowly over time. I become a true volcano. I erupt and explode. Allowing my pain to take control of my tongue I strike out, a spitting cobra, my words cut deep and I push people away. I have lost many people thusly. I have let them see who I really am and they abandon me. Since the invasion I have no energy to store my emotions away so I just explode and sputter. I run away from the pain rather than contain it. I am a coward.
I sob until I have no more tears. I am light headed and thus I sit. Curled up in a tiny ball of pain feeling sorry for myself. Why? Why was it me who had to be dragged into all of this? Just because my parents and brother and uncle were all badass what does that mean I will? They were brave. They never cried. They never lost their composure. They never gave in. I on the other hand have done all of those things.
I slowly wipe my tears away and pull myself together again. I go through what I know to be true; "My name is Lexington Williams, I am sixteen years old, I live in Communist America. Soviets have taken over the country except for the western states. We are the last stand against the wall of communism. My family is dead because of me.-"
A tap on the window pulls me back to the present. I unlock the doors and allow Alix to slide in. We sit in an awkward silence for a long time before he breaks it by saying in a slow deliberate voice; "he loves you more than you know".
"Donovan?"
Alix nods.
"Maybe"
"He does Lexington."
"He sure has a weird way of showing it"
"He was the one who didn't want to go through with the plan. He wanted you to choose it on your own." Alix says and I can see the truth within those dark green eyes. His words do more harm than good. They confirm all of my fears and suspicions. They all betrayed me for the stupid revolution.
"I'm not joining the ranks" I say coldly. In this moment I vow never to allow them to manipulate me again. I will not bow to them; nor to anyone. Not like my parents did to that wretched tyrant.
"I had a feeling you would say that" Alix replies easily. We slip back into an old routine of friendship that was developed over the few months I spent with him. "So what are you going to do?" Alix asks me.
I decide to be honest with him, he doesn't deserve it but I give it to those dark green eyes that mock me playfully. "I'm going to leave" I say softly. He nods knowingly.
"You should at least say goodbye to Donovan." Alix tells me, I sigh uncomfortable with this proposal. Facing Donovan, whom I am still madly in love with despite his actions, despite my better judgement. To leave him would force me to break my last unbroken promise; depending on how you look at it.
"I can't" I whisper looking straight ahead.
"I understand that you can't" Alix says, "but Donovan needs to tell you something." I nod and sigh, pulling my pieces back together. "Let me drive you back." Alix says and I am too tired to resist. We switch seats and I pass out as soon as I buckle my seatbelt.

Rule number 4; Seatbelts