10 Years Later Ago - Lando Norris

15

NOW

Walking out of the bar and heading down towards the Thames, the very picturesque, romantic atmosphere of London by the lights is confusing my head and heart. Whilst I remind myself of how much this man has hurt me, I can't help but give into the comfortable, familiar feeling I still get being with him.

I watch as he walks only slightly ahead, hands inside of his jacket pockets, as he gazes around at the city in front of us. Almost like it's the first time he's seeing it. Every now and again, a street light will reveal only the smallest portion of his face and every time, the knot in my stomach binds tighter.

"It's absolutely beautiful out here" he gushes. "Coming out at this time of night is one of my favourites."

I mimic his line of vision and hum in agreement as we pull up to the waters edge and he leans his arms against the barrier.

I plant myself next to him, leaning my back up against the barrier and taking in the opposite view. I somehow convince myself that a different scenery will somehow make this less intimate.

Standing in silence, with only the sound of the night humming in the distant backdrop only remains comfortable for so long, one of us has to break the ice.

"So, how deep do you want to go tonight?" He asks with a slight chuckle.

I release a staggered breath that is disguised as a laugh in return, nerves getting the better of me. "May as well hash it all out" I confirm.

He nods his head heavy, understanding and preparing, yet neither one of us know how to start this off.

"I'm really am sorry, B" he begins. "I'm not sure I've ever actually said it"

"You haven't" I cut in immediately. And this hits him hard.

"Yeah" he mumbles, "I am though" and then he makes overbearing eye contact, "I'm sorry"

I stare into his gaze and can see the undoubtedly weight of his apology, he means it. Nodding, is how I can accept it, for now.

I see his touch on me before my body has a chance to feel it, "Come on, Evans. Let me in" he plays, but the nervous resign through his fingertips as he gives my arm a playful squeeze.

As he removes his hand, I find that my own fingers subconsciously graze the spot where his touch met my skin. Tracing its invisible outline.

"I want you to know our breakup was excruciating for me too" he adds but his statement triggers my deepest anger.

"That was the problem though" I spit, "we didn't actually break up. You never actually ended it, I just had to accept it was over" my body has willingly turned to face him, armed and ready for attack.

But Lando just hangs his head low. Unable to look at me, let alone stand his ground. I hear a somewhat mumble of an 'I know' fall from his lips.

However, now that my seal was open, I couldn't stop. My heart poured out to him and he had no choice but to take it.

"I know you saw me that night, Lando. I felt it. You watched me leave, then you witness me go through absolute hell and your solution was to leave" I accuse.

He doesn't defend and it tears me apart to think my accusations are the truth.

"I needed you" I choke on my words, "I needed you in that moment more than I would have ever needed you in my entire life, and you weren't there" the tears that threatened my eyes are now coming down in waterfalls.

I had a plan to keep this conversation so calm, to hash out our differences, but it seems like I had some suppressed emotions about that night and his comment was enough to unlock it.

"You weren't there" I repeat as my voice and emotions defeat me in that moment, it lowers me to my knees and I cry more now than I ever did that night.

Is this what therapy feels like? A tidal wave of emotions?

I feel his arms around me, but it doesn't offer any comfort. "I didn't know how to be" he whispers into the side of my head, as he holds it tightly against his chest. "I didn't know how to fix the world that just crumbled around you. I didn't know how to build you a world worth living in, in that moment"