10 Years Later Ago - Lando Norris

17

NOW

I don't know how long I've been on the floor; I don't know how long Lando's been stroking my hair, letting the ends run between his fingertips.

I don't know if I've confessed anymore, or if you've apologised for everything.

"Why did you go?" I mumble through tears against his chest.

"Come here" he asks, shifting both our weights so we are both sat with our backs against the barrier, still sat down on the cold cement. He has his arms wrapped around me, one secure around my shoulders, pulling me toward him, and the other stretched out across my front, stroking my elbow with his thumb.

"Full truths okay?" I ask him.

I feel him nod before he begins to speak, the steady beat in his heart offering me a baseline to cling to. "That night down at the track, I had decided I was going to be selfish. I decided I was going to have to end it with you and not hold either one of us back from reaching our full potential.

No matter how much I wanted us to be together, in that moment, we couldn't. I had every belief that we would have been together in the future, that we would find our way back to each other when we were ready, but I knew we couldn't go through those dreams together.

When I got home and heard what happened, I just, I didn't know how to tell you whilst that was happening. Your world was slipping through my fingers and I couldn't help no matter how much I wanted.

I went up to my room and the minute I saw you in my bed with mum, the tears stained on your cheeks, it made me change my mind about it all. I wanted to give up absolutely everything to be with you. I no longer wanted anything for myself. I wanted you. And that was it"

I remove myself from his grasp and turn to look at him, "but you walked away anyway" I whisper.

"I made a mistake" he corrects.

I wipe the tears from my cheeks, inhaling a calming breath, feeling all the bit relieved from our conversation so far. I haven't spoken to anyone about it in the past 10 years, and tonight is reconfirming that Lando was the only person I was able to have this conversation with.

"Did you?" I ask him calmly.

He looks at me confused; waiting for my explanation, "what do you mean?"

"I mean, we were 17" I use as my defence.

"So?" He spits. A slight anger to his voice.

"So, we were kids, and in that moment we had to make very adult decisions, having hindsight would you change anything?"

"Yes" he confirms without hesitation. "I should never have left"

"I needed you." I begin.

"I know" he cuts in before I can finish.

"No, Lando, let me say this, please" I beg shaking my head at him. "I needed you, I needed you more than anything in that moment. Aaron went back to Italy before the flowers were even laid by their headstones. I felt so dependent on you, it wasn't healthy"

"You just lost your parents B, it's normal to need someone" he tries to defend, yet only digging himself further in.

"Just as you had decided that night to be selfish, I had decided I didn't need my own life, that you were all I ever needed and I would have followed you anywhere. After losing mum and dad, I wouldn't have wanted anything for myself. I would have gripped onto you so tightly for comfort and I wouldn't have the life I have for myself now" I explain.

I see his face relax, but I don't want to let him off. "Don't get me wrong. You were a complete ass and you leaving felt a million times worse than losing my parents because you actively chose to leave me. You hurt me more than I'll ever be able to explain. But I don't think I was ready for someone like you yet"

"Someone like me?" He asks.

"Someone who was my forever. Finding your forever at 15 is a risk"

"Do you still? I mean, when you think of me, is there" he dances around the question, and although my heart is screaming a thousand other answers, my head shakes.

"No" i mutter. "Because as contradictory as it sounds, I needed you and you walked away, so I'll never need you again"