Diary of a Homosexual

ℝ𝕦𝕝𝕖𝕤

You know how I'm a stickler for rules right? I believe we should do what's right most of the time and not what we want. One of my rules is not to blur the lines with my relationships. I'm not supposed to say anything to you that could potentially change our relationship in a bad way. This includes my feelings. Being honest about that means risking our friendship. So I shouldn't say anything because that's breaking the rules. I'm so used to suffering in silence because for so long that's where I felt the safest. You say you hate suffering in silence because it hurts too much. This hurts too, but it's a familiar pain. One that I can bear until it no longer hurts. But for once, there's a chance this won't end badly but the deeper, inner part of me knows the answer won't be yes. We can still be as we are now and nothing will change, but then I don't know if I want that either. It'll feel like I spoke something forbidden, and there was neither a consequence nor relief. Simply acknowledgement. You said I'm attractive but did I believe you or simply accept that that was your truth? I want to believe you. I want to believe a lot of things you tell me. Like suffering in silence isn't good for you. I guess I should be grateful though. You look up to me. You even gave me the biggest compliment you could ever give. I love knowing that I mean so much to you. It soothes a need inside and makes it so this suffering doesn't hurt as much. Everything always goes back to you though, Brandon. I don't love you anymore, but you've conditioned me to suffer in silence because speaking my truth means being rejected. I equate confessing my feelings to mean being rejected. I don't want that, and I don't think I'm strong enough to bear it. It's hard enough putting myself out there for that risk and to get it out is even harder. If you did say no I wouldn't hold it against you. You would be gentle and comforting. I would push past it like it happened years ago. I would pretend I was fine until it felt real. I might even laugh it off. Is that not disrespectful to myself? Laughing at my real feelings? Maybe... a dark part of me actually wants you to say no so you can prove me right. Break my heart so I can feel the pain and validation of my rational mind telling me it could never work. Assure me that life is no fairytale. Especially for someone like me. Follow the rules. Always follow the rules.