Diary of a Homosexual

𝕃𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕠𝕟 1: ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕥𝕓𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕜

"𝙸𝚝 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚜 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚠𝚊𝚝𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚢𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙸 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚌𝚛𝚢 𝚊𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚖𝚢 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝙸 𝚏𝚎𝚕𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚔𝚎 𝚖𝚢 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚞𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢."

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I know that it varies from person to person, but for me, the process of accepting that I like guys was easy. There was no sudden realization that I came to as I had often seen and heard. It felt like a fact that I had carried with me since I was old enough to understand what it meant to feel attracted to someone. Accepting myself was pretty easy also. Why fight what I know to be true inside myself if I didn't have to? I passed the first test of learning to accept myself, but could I conquer seeking approval from those I loved? I didn't live in a strict religious home, even though I was raised to be Christian. I knew about God and what is said about being homosexual. Religion is a tricky subject to broach, so we often don't bring it up to avoid any conflicts. However, it seemed at the time that most religions could agree that same-sex relationships were not okay. Since it was never an open topic of discussion in my family, I didn't know their opinions on gay people. My mom seemed tolerant and potentially open. My dad seemed to have a flawed view of it due to the many stereotypes associated with being gay. My extended family just felt like a bigger obstacle to face. In conclusion, I may have been okay with myself and my sexuality, but I knew I should probably keep it to myself until I knew I was safe from judgment and criticism. I didn't know those two would follow you everywhere, even if you stayed in the closet.

I dedicate this first chapter to you, Aidan. You were my first serious crush, and my heart and mind accepted that readily. No questioning it. No doubting it. I was head over heels, and nothing could stop me from heading towards what I know now to be a night of pain and anguish. I didn't realize at the time loving someone could cause pain. I was young, you know? The butterflies of something new, something real, something that could for once be mine. Did I care to consider that you may not like me? Probably not, as I was sure that once I could prove to you that I was worth the love you could give, we could figure out everything else. Aidan, you may not know this, but you gave me my first experience of heartbreak. You literally made me cry my eyes out. That may be why I refuse to cry unless I'm alone. It's a vulnerable feeling to allow someone to see you like that. But why did I like you? You were obviously attractive, but there must have been something there that pulled me to you. I'm sad to say that I might have fallen in love with the idea of you and not who you truly were. You were popular, and everyone was obsessed with you. The thought of you choosing me out of all of them gave me such a rush. Your Justin Bieber hair didn't help things despite being made fun of for that, but you brushed off the remarks easily. I wish I had your confidence back then. I can't deny now that you're still attractive.

We've both grown and changed in so many ways. Some were good, and some were bad, but at the end of the day, we are who we are. It's funny thinking back to you and being one of the Three Musketeers. It was you, Kaleb, and JD, but this chapter is about you. I don't know if I associate this memory as a painful and heartbreaking moment or a life lesson that every gay boy has to face. Maybe both because if I think about it long enough, I feel myself back at that moment. It feels like watching myself relive that night, and I want to cry along with my past self because I felt like you broke my heart unintentionally.

You may say me crying over it was childish but think about it. We both were young, and I was just starting to learn that I couldn't be naive when it came to love if I was going to be happy. We were in elementary school, and it was the Valentine's Day Dance.

"The month of love has never been in my favor, so why would it be any different now?" I told myself. "I'm not going to the dance," I said firmly.

My aunt, however, had different plans for me. She essentially guilt-tripped me into going, saying, "It'll be a lifelong memory."

I can definitely say I will remember that night for good or for bad. Racheal, my best friend at the time, had a crush on Kaleb, and though he was attractive himself, I considered myself a loyal lover and only had eyes for Aidan. Deciding to take matters into my own hands, I was a little pushy about getting them together, though I was pushing a little too hard. I literally forced them into each other at the dance. Another cringe moment, sadly, but hey, we all make mistakes. I don't remember most of that night. Just lame music, and I had to keep going to the bathroom because I had no clue who I was going to dance with when the slow song started, and maybe I was also prepping myself up to be asked to dance with you—childish but hopeful dreams. I kept going to the bathroom five or six times because my cheeks would heat up at the thought, and I knew the moment would be here before I knew it.

Eventually, the slow song did come on, and like in the movies, everyone seemed to gravitate to their respective partners. Racheal didn't end up dancing with Kaleb. Instead, she danced with Taylor, who had unintentionally guilt-tripped her into a relationship. A cringe moment for her, too, I'm sure. She couldn't refuse him since he had a troubled past with his dad's death and was labeled as one of the 'special' kids afterward. And that's when I turned and saw you. Dancing with the girl you had a crush on. I can't even remember her name, but I hated her at that moment. How dare she take my one night to feel special and share it with you? When I saw you with her, I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me, and suddenly I found myself in a dark corner with no one to dance with just watching everyone else. I, the gay kid, had no one to dance with. I was dealing with that embarrassing moment that only happens in movies and that my prince charming chose his princess over the peasant in disguise. The tears I cried that night. I cried in the corner for a few seconds before I realized with the rest of my dignity I couldn't let anyone see me, so I ran to the bathroom. I tried my hardest to keep the tears inside, but I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like someone was choking my heart out. I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror, and I remember what I told myself.

"You're pathetic. Why would he choose you? I mean, look at you. You're a fat ugly boy who he wouldn't even think twice about rejecting."

These thoughts running through my head were breaking my resolve, and I knew I could no longer face the night without crying and feeling worthless. I won't say this was the first time my size made me feel excluded, embarrassed, or unlovable, but you know how you push that pain down and keep going until someone brings it up again, and now the pain is ten times worse because you know you're ugly, but now you have someone saying it to your face. I called my aunt to come pick me up, saying I wasn't feeling well. I hid in the bathroom until she called, saying she was there. I did my walk of shame out of the building while avoiding my friends and you, trying not to cry again. I finally got to the car and my aunt asked me what happened once she saw my red eyes, but I told her nothing and we didn't talk the whole way home.

When I returned to her house, my cousin asked how it was, but I sidestepped him and locked myself in one of the unused rooms. I cried and cried my eyes out. I could hear my cousin asking his mom what happened, but she said she didn't know and that I wouldn't tell her. How could I without saying I'm gay? I knew I wasn't ready for that and knew that it wasn't just something you say to someone, especially your family. I couldn't help but continue crying but tried to keep it silenced because even then, I didn't want them to know I was in pain. That my heart was broken, but I know they know I cried myself to sleep that night. I'm sure they made assumptions about what happened, but I know they would never get it right on the money.

The day after, I was asked what happened at the dance by my whole family, and knowing me, I came up with a good lie before I walked out that door to face them. Until this day, they don't know what really happened. I don't even think Racheal, who now knows I'm gay, knows. Looking back on it, I don't know how I went back to school, but I must have pushed it down because education and grades were important to me, and I wouldn't let a boy let them drop. I still went on with life. And I don't know for sure if I continued to like Aidan after that; I probably did, but I knew now that I couldn't get that emotionally invested in a boy because that led to tears and pain if you weren't careful.

I guess that must be why I avoid dances now.

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