Diary of a Homosexual

𝕃𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕠𝕟 3: 𝕃𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝔾𝕠

"𝙸'𝚖 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚘𝚗𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚐𝚞𝚢𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚎𝚟𝚎s 𝚒𝚗 𝚏𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚢𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚎𝚜."
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Oh, Brandon. There's so much I have to say that if I start, I won't stop, so I'll keep it short. You were my first, not like as in sex but as in love. I had to put some thought into it because I've never been loved that way, so how was I supposed to know how it feels? You've had my heart for three long years, but now is the time to reclaim it. As all unrequited loves go, getting over someone isn't easy but what makes it even worse is that the person could never possibly love you because you're not the correct gender. Honestly, what I'm about to say will sound like stalker-like behavior, but I'm okay since you won't read this. And hopefully, you reading now won't either. In our language class, we had a daily journal assignment. Some were about what we would learn in class, but others were more personal.

You kept one, and I kept one. What you don't know is on the days we would be tasked with writing something personal, I would go and see what you wrote. I had to be discreet because the teacher and my other classmates could see me over there, but I had to make it look like I was putting mine away, but, in reality, I was looking in yours. That was how I found out about Katalina. You called her your "girl." From reading that, I knew you had a girlfriend. I was frozen and had to reread it twice to make sure. I don't remember if my first emotion was anger, surprise, jealousy, or sadness. Maybe a combination of all four, but I went to anger and jealousy because I couldn't afford to get sad about it until I got more information, and mainly I didn't want to believe it was true.

Upon asking my best friend Racheal about it, who didn't know I was gay, she said you and Katalina had been going out for a while now, and it felt like a slap in my face because I thought I would've heard or seen something, but I didn't. You aren't a social media person, and I wasn't either, which still astounds me how you amassed such a large following considering our small town. So many followers but not a single post on Instagram. Maybe you were just that likable. Or perhaps you drew people in, and you didn't know it because I noticed and even asked you about it, and I still remember you did not know what "admired" meant. Probably another character flaw I decided to overlook.

I gathered as much information as possible on this so-called "Katalina." She played softball, and she had a sister with whom I was going to school and then the pictures. I could still remember my cringe at the sight of you and her. It could be a picture or seeing you and her at the same place I am, and when she touched you, I would instantly ball up my fists and want to scream. But I knew I had no right to do that. But it's not fair that I have to bottle all these emotions inside, and I can't tell you. But that's the price I have to pay to continue what little thing we have. I could feel however I wanted about you and her as long as I didn't say anything. I could hate her and love you, and you couldn't take that away from me. But deep inside, I knew my feelings for you would either have to be forgotten or buried deep down because once again, we were growing up and moving on to bigger things. High school was one of them. You and Katalina wouldn't be separated anymore. I would have to share you with her, and I couldn't do it. I couldn't love you and see her hug and kiss you. My heart wouldn't be able to take it.

"How do I get over him?" I often asked myself late at night when I couldn't sleep because you were always on my mind.

The tiny voice in my head whispered, "Time."

Time, distance, and a new setting would be the cure for you. I won't lie and say I was instantly over you when we got to high school. I would seek out your attention, but Katalina had well deserved it, so I let her hog your attention for the most part. I would still clench my fists during the first two weeks at the sight of you and her but slowly but surely, with no classes with you and limited time to even go and speak to you, my feelings for you started to fade. I no longer cringe at seeing you and her; I don't need to talk to you to feel happy. There were moments in middle school you could just look at me with this smile, and I was on cloud nine, but that's the old me. So I never did tell you how I felt, at least to your face. Honestly, I was too scared, and I'm not one of those guys who believes in fairytales. I do like to believe in magic on occasion. I didn't need to tell you how I felt to get over you. Do I still not look at you and admire your face? I still do, but it's different because it's more of a reminiscence than love. You have Katalina, and currently, I'm chasing after another who may lead to happiness or pain like you.

Though I hope it's happiness against all reason and sense.

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