Diary of a Homosexual

𝕃𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕠𝕟 5: 𝕃𝕠𝕧𝕖 ℂ𝕒𝕟 𝕊𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕖𝕤 𝔹𝕖 ℝ𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝕚𝕟 𝔽𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕐𝕠𝕦

"𝚆𝚑𝚢 𝚖𝚎? 𝙸"𝚖 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚊𝚝 𝚋𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚔𝚒𝚍 𝚠𝚑𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚖𝚜 𝚜𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝚊𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚐𝚎?"
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I don't know why you weren't first. It's strange because all through my years of elementary to high school, you've been a constant. I can remember the day in elementary school when we were in the carpeted gym and were being talked to as if we were incompetent little children. Though, we were, after all. I still can't figure out why you moved our line back so I could sit in front of you. You barely knew me, and your friends, Aidan and JD, definitely had no clue who I was. I remember Aiden wasn't pleased with my sudden intrusion, but I felt protected because you were there to ensure he wouldn't say anything to make me leave. If I asked you about that day, you would probably say, "I don't remember that." or "I don't know why I did that."

I couldn't blame you. It happened maybe eleven or twelve years ago, but still, I remember because I felt insecure about myself, and you picked me out of anyone else. I still laugh at that day because you had to move the line back four or five times because I didn't understand that you wanted me to come up. I cringe, but could you blame me for the confusion. All that was going through my head was, "Why me? I'm the fat black kid who seems smarter than average." I wouldn't say I loved or even liked you from that day forward because that would be pathetic. I won't say you liked or loved me either because we were too young to know what that meant. I barely even knew what the word "gay" meant or that it applied to me. I was still trying to find myself and would assume you were doing the same.

Logically, you should have been the first person to catch my attention other than Aidan, but Kaleb, my attraction to you didn't start until middle school. With all my moving around, there just wasn't enough time. Still, even in middle school, my heart didn't beat for you. Instead, it beat for another, but my eyes would still look to you sometimes if Brandon weren't around. Brandon had most of my attention, but you were still my occasional eye candy.

I still don't know if I would have had a better chance of dating you than Brandon, but you made it easy to get over him when we got to high school, so I guess thank you in a way, but you could still end up being another crush that goes nowhere in reality but everywhere in my head. But I'm glad you remained constant because you haven't changed, and I needed your personality because, through the years, it felt like everyone was changing around me, as we usually do when we learn more about ourselves and the world. And I hope you at least keep your personality in life.

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