Every Moment (ZeRoyalMexican)

Part 42 - Caught

~Ze's POV~

If I can just put this here, and this there, but that wouldn't be possible and that would cancel out with that. I sigh, scratching the back of my head as I step back and look at the entire stone wall all covered in white scratches all composing of different chemicals and numbers. In frustration I grab the pillow to the small bed and attack the wall until the white scratches become incredibly faint and I take another rock to scratch on the wall and start all over. A loud noise causes me to flinch but I continue to work quicker than before when I find my train of thought slowly leaving me but I feel my thoughts begin to grow jumbled up. This is impossible without my laptop or any research material by me, just how am I supposed to know if there is a perfect solution with these particular properties when there are probably millions of solutions to pick and choose from?

"What are you doing?" The familiar voice calls behind me and I don't glance back, a bit afraid of the expression I'll see on the man I used to love's face.

"I'm trying to figure out the permanent cure for the Hidden while I'm here and an exchange would be easier. I don't remember all of the progress I made on my laptop though so I'm a little troubled," I explain casually, dropping the rock suddenly and hugging my arms with shivers. I'm cold, I was fine until now but now with this fear and Gassy behind me I feel cold. kneeling down to pick up the rock I slowly turn behind me, finding Gassy looking directly at me. His dark eyes investigating and seeming completely angry and cold with me causes me to wince and look back towards the wall, the many formulas covering the stone wall all only visible under the light of the lantern down here.

"Diction said your interrogations begin in half an hour. Get ready," Gassy orders and I just nod, looking at the blank wall at a loss for words to say to the man I've completely changed the life of. Holding up the rock to the wall I hold my breath but frown before turning back towards Gassy suddenly.

"I-..." Although I had this entire speech prepared in my mind the moment I open my mouth and meet his eyes I feel all of my words leave me. His eyes just look directly into me, seeming so incredibly cold as if he's prepared to completely wipe me away from his memories. It's as if he's completely ripped away all of the nice memories we had together from his memory, or now thinks of them as sad past times and believes I betrayed him, which I did. Still, I have to say something or he'll never retrieve them as good memories, or he'll never look to me so lovingly again. I have to say something.

"Ze..." Gassy mutters with wide eyes, and I immediately hold up my hands to my face feeling the wet tears completely covering my cheeks and immediately wipe at them and turn back around facing the wall. Suddenly a loud noise clanks and I immediately turn around, shocked to find Gassy's fists on the bars separating us and a wild, angry expression on Gassy's face. "What the fuck is your problem. You act as if you want to be together then you stay silent for days and you come back with a fucking syringe in my neck and now you're crying your eyes out like you actually feel bad. You avoid looking into my eyes and when you do you look away again like you're actually feeling guilty about this. You look to me when you think I can't tell with this caring, concerned look. Just what in the world do you feel for me? Why are you continually changing your mind and changing your attitude? Just what is the twisted plan you and Chilled have going on here?"

I hesitate, not in anyway expecting an outburst like that and it only makes my feelings fall apart even more. While I had prepared myself for his anger and confusion I hadn't expected for him to directly confront me about it. Hearing it for him I feel my emotions begin to collapse as the wall I've been building up for all of the time we were apart begins to crumble. Grabbing my arms I stop myself from just throwing myself at the bars, embarrassed I'd feel tempted to do such a thing and afraid he'd completely reject me and never forgive me. What the fuck I mean I've forgiven him before for some pretty unforgivable things, like nearly murdering me for one. Can he not forgive me for making him a powerful asset to the base? Somehow turning all of my guilt into anger and blame isn't very satisfying as I thought it would be but instead it only makes me hate myself even more. I don't want to be the kind of guy who stays hung up over this one first love for the rest of his life, I don't want to be hopelessly chasing for a guy who doesn't even trust me a bit.