To The Beyond You

Breaking Point

It's been days since I've actually had to worry about things. Because things don't worry me anymore, but scare every ounce of my breath. It's been weeks since I've even uttered the word love between us. It's been months since I've even looked at his face again with love. The emotion with what I'm always looking at him would be pain and guilt. Every time I look at him it's like I'm at an act to play for. To do whatever he says and not to do whatever he doesn't.

Part of my heart aches back for the moments he did it unintentionally and to correct them. I wished instead of acting clingy that day, he could've laughed at me too and taught me how to eat that Tacos.
That could've been so much better than me fighting myself with that till date.
The word Pervert still rests in my heart from when he shot that to me without thinking twice. Those letters are stitched to my heart and maybe him trying to cure it could've made it Pierce out my heart but him doing something else has caused even more bigger holes in my heart than I could ever possibly think. Every time I think about it, my heart bleeds to where those letters are stitched causing terrible pain.

I'm also now unsure of the word unintentionally of him.

Recently when we had his mom side relatives over, I shut my mouth down. As if I was someone who didn't know how to speak. But to my conscience that made him happy. He said that I behaved well with the guests than I ever had. First time ever in the world while he was happy, i was not. It made me sad. Not even sad. It is the realisation you get about a person which doesn't seem right that you should ever be getting, but it is. Last thing to ever think that you might be wrong but that thought does'nt even cross your mind.

And then there was a moment week before where I just broke his favorite plant and I hade to hide it from him. But he suspected me and asked what I was doing. I still remember the moment where my body shattered to his words. I was scared to death. Scared of how he would react to it, Of how many new words I had to listen after he gets to know about it. I'm not sure I was ready for it. In fact I was never ready for any of his arguments. But what I've learned is that, he just tries to down me. In every single argument, Useless arguments.

I realised this when I fell out of love. It seems like hoping for nothing. I was hoping for nothing. It seems nothing now because all it seems is just a Scattering Relationship.

His words are doing it to some extent where I had the same kind of headache last night after he shouted at me just like I had when he slapped me. These arguments doesn't seem justified. But I still hate the fact that seems like everything is finally over. I hate the fact that I love him. I hate it that I can't leave him.

It was late morning when I woke up to his arogant voice. He was shouting at his phone. I'm not sure if he is alright. But I'm quite sure that I don't want to involve myself in it. I'm frightened of what his next unknown actions would do to me again. I won't do anything unless he tells me that he needs me.

I go to the kitchen and make myself a cup of fucking coffee. Hoping that this time coffee just doesn't only make my mood better but also doesn't ruin my life. He's right at the kitchen table. I don't know what's he staring at. But I know I'm not willing to ask or clarify about anything. I'm not absolutely willing for an apology.

"Why would you do that?" He said.

"What?" I said. But I don't turn to him as I grip my pan to release my anxiety on it.

"You killed my rose plant intentionally."

To tell the truth, I knew this was coming.

"Well I didn't fucking kill your favourite plant intentionally. It just happened."

"Well, if it wasn't, then you wouldn't stare at me shattering when I noticed you last night Evelyn."

"Because that's what you do Ryan!"