🥀 Love Yourself | Jikook

😊 But this is my fate, don't smile on me light on me 🔆

I open my eyes, everything feels foggy and dull. The bed is cold, Jungkook isn't here. Feelings I open my eyes, everything feels foggy and dull. The bed is cold, Jungkook isn't here. Feelings rise up inside me and I stifle them. Why should he be here? I hardly talked to him at all yesterday. He doesn't deserve me and I'm not doing anything to make it any easier for him.

I look at the clock, its bright red numbers glare daggers at me. 8:00! That means only an hour and a half until scheduled. I missed my morning workout! I'm so useless I can't even keep to a simple regimen. I sigh, I can't go now, I just have to find extra time.

I walk into the kitchen, where something smells really good. Pancakes, eggs- I feel hunger pangs, then disgust washes over me. How can I be so greedy? I resist the hunger pangs (dancing will distract me) and debate who to sit next to. All the hyungs might notice me not eating and get worried but I shouldn't sit next to Jungkook or should I, should I try not to be so cold. Maybe then he would love me again- what a selfish thought. That leaves . . .

They see me. "Jiminnnnnie!!!" Jungkook flings himself at me. I want to tell him that he doesn't have to pretend in front of the other members, that they would understand but he's crushing me too tight. "You're up! I missed you, Jin hyung made food just for you since you didn't get lunch or breakfast yesterday!" he turns serious, "Are you feeling better?"

"Yes, I'm fine." I realise how stiff I sound, like Yooungi in the morning and then I realise even he looks more awake than me. "I'm still groggy." I sit down next to Taehyung and take a glass of orange juice. I can't make myself take food I don't deserve.

A plate is placed in front of me anyway. "Thank you hyung." They're trying not to be obvious but I can easily tell that they're watching me. Slowly I force myself to eat, fighting disgust at how much I enjoy it.

Dance practice goes the same, I work as hard as I can and manage to slip away from lunch early to practise more. By the end of the day I'm exhausted. The buzzing happiness of effort has turned into a persistent ache.

Hobi bounds up to me as we're packing up.

"Hey, since we're already here, why don't we just film the dance practice video now!" He says.

The others agree. I have a theory I want to test.

"Umm, hyung I'd love to but I'm really sore. Can I just lay down in one of your studios?"

"Aww, sure. Here's the key." Namjoon says cooing and handing me the key. His smile fades in his eyes, I can see that he's concerned. I brush it off and turn away.

I don't intend on going to Namjoon's studio. I head to the gym. I've been dancing all day but I still feel heavy, I need to burn the extra calories from breakfast.

After working out I race back to Namjoon's studio (it's the first place they'll look for me) and curl up. It feels good and I tell myself not to get used to it. I need to push myself and make myself uncomfortable if I'm going to get better at dancing and singing.

I still have a few minutes so I tune into the live stream and scroll straight to the comments section.

My experiment was to see how many likes and positive comments the other members got without me there ruining everything.

We already have millions of likes and as I keep scrolling there are only a few negative comments. Such mean things, how could anyone say that, it's all so stupid. I want to delete everyone so none of the members think that people don't enjoy all of their hard work.

@Taekook4life - Awww! Taekook are looking so cute together, my dreams are coming true.

> @OT6 - Yasss QUEENS! They are slaying that choreo

> > @VK00KSolo-stan - yep, it was meant to be.

> > > @KrAzYabtKoOkiE - What I've been saying all along: cat hybrids belong in cages not on stages.

> > > > @Jimin's-jams - They haven't posted an official breakup announcement guys, besides Namjoon said he was sick at the start of the video. Weren't you all listening or do you only hear what you want t hear? Stop being so nosy.

> > > > > @Taekook4life - Jeez! Intense much? Also, official announcement or not, it's only a matter of time.

> > > > > > @VK00KSolo-stan - Yeah, @Jimin's-Jams, just shut up! We're not being nosy just hearing what we hear and seeing what we see.

> > > > > > > @Jimin's-jams- You all are trash trolls GTFO.

Still I can't help the despair that crashes down on me (so selfish) people clearly like the group much better without me there. There aren't any comments asking where I am. I look around Namjoon hyung's studio. All the awards and records and trophies, none of it's for me, there would be more if I wasn't around. I should leave and yet I can't bring myself to (again selfish).

I will work hard and maybe then I can justify continuing to drag down such a talented group. I am such a horrible person. 

I vaguely hear the members open the studio door, then a warm body slam down beside me, he pulls me closer. Jungkook.

"Minnnieee!" He coos, "Are you feeling better?" His voice is soft and beautiful and his touch feels warm, cosy and safe. I wish it didn't it would make it easier to let him go. This is the closest we've been in two days. Why is he doing this? Could he still possible want to be friends with me? I try to move away but his grip is iron. Then he loosens it and I move over. When I look back at him he looks confused, a bit taken aback and sad. I feel so guilty that I move just a bit closer pretending to stretch out so he won't get suspicious.

"Yeah" I say, attempting not to sound so stiff again.

(A/N I'm sorry this chapter was kind of bad. How does my stuff end up being so long? 

Idols work so hard because they love music but also for our entertainment. It's an incredibly, infinitely, demanding job and they are always trying their best for us. I feel for all of them and wish that they and every other human never had to hear people being so rude on the internet.

Also from the second chapter on I kind of just ignored (I literally forgot lmao) that Jimin was a hybrid T-T so when this is finished I'll go back to add in more referees to his ears and tail.)