🥀 Love Yourself | Jikook

⛲️ In this garden of ours saw a beautiful flower 🌷

Two days later: 13th October (Jimin's Birthday)

I wake up earlier than everybody else as usual. The dorm is quiet and calm and dark and lonely. I ended up sleeping on the couch again and my tail is sore and stiff. Not only from sleeping in an awkward position but from keeping it hidden it's a necessity but still I selfishly wish i didn't have to. Especially today, my birthday. None of the members have mentioned anything about it.

I guess they forgot. I try to be happy that I'm not distracting them or being a nuisance anymore but I can't. I've barely spent any time with Jungkook since I've started my new regimen. He stays up late, but I stay up later and when I get back to the dorms I'm always so tired that I fall asleep in my clothes. I shower at the company gym so I don't wake the members.

Silently I grab some clothes from my closet and then I head out. I can't help myself from crying. I still love Jungkook so much and I know that it's awful but I wish he'd love me even though I'm still so ugly. But I've gotten so much better haven't I? So why doesn't he love me? Then I remember that perfect, beautiful, glorious Kim Taehyung exists. I sob again.

I don't know why I ever thought it would be a good idea to walk today. I guess I thought it would be good to clear my head today. Now I feel awful, my body feels heavy and I have the beginnings of a headache. Then I remember that this is what it's supposed to feel like, this must be however one else feels in order to look so perfect, right? I just had to start working a bit harder.

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~ T ~ I ~ M ~ E ~ ~ ~ S ~ K ~ I ~ P ~

It's been 10 minutes since dance practice was supposed to start and not one of the members has shown up yet. The ache has settled deep into my bones. They're probably just stuck in traffic or something. I force myself to keep dancing. Just as I'm going to break down and call Jin-hyung, choreographer-nim comes in.

"Jimin-ssi I came to tell you that your schedules have been cancelled. You can go back home and rest. You should." He says looking slightly awkward then he leaves.

I just stand there for a moment in shock. They cancelled my schedule, the company must not want me here anymore. I mean I guess I always knew that I wasn't good enough and all my effort is too little too late but so suddenly. I feel myself sinking to the floor. Then I get up, I can't be sitting here uselessly.

I get to work. I do the routine over and over until I find my mind drifting off to other places while my body moves. My mind drifts off to the dorm, where I want to be lying in bed . . . With Jungkook. I want him to massage my back and kiss me and tell me he loves me. I force the happy memories down.

I'm so tired and sore that I can hardly stand. I hear the click of the door opening.